Why am I still doing it?
Trigger Warning: Self Harm
I was clean for a couple months. When i first started self harming, I did it because I felt human doing it. I used to be emotionless, and pain from self harming makes me feel alive. But now that I feel emotions again and I generally have different emotions unlike before, somehow I'm still doing it. I don't know why I do it. There's no triggers or anything, I just reach for the blade and start doing it. I don't understand why I'm doing it, even when I'm happy I still do it. At this point it just feels like a routine to me. What's worse is that when I'm nervous or anxious I start touching my scars and cuts because it made me feel comfortable. I hate it so much. I hate how I'm still doing it although I should be fine. I hate everything and I just want to live a normal life.
@JanusPi
Hey, first of all, I want you to know that I'm here for you and I'm so proud of you for reaching out. What you're going through is really tough, but please remember that relapsing doesn't mean failure. You've had months of being clean before, and you can get back there. It sounds like this has become an automatic behavior, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Maybe try to find something else to do with your hands when you feel the urge, like squeezing a stress ball or drawing. And when you touch your scars, try to replace that with a gentle touch on a soft blanket or your favorite stuffed animal. You are not alone in this, and there are always better days ahead. I believe in you.
P.s...,in brief ...Self harm is an addictive coping mechanism...sometimes, we can be months clean and then...Relapsed and everything becomes...your mind keeps telling you to do it, even if you are not triggered, it's like missing something, it's natural...
@Bearainy
Yeah I think maybe I don’t feel deserving of my current happiness. Or even, it feels like “home” being in that dark place. I’ve been there for nearly half my life and being better feels foreign to me I guess.
@JanusPi
Honey, sounds like you are going through a lot😔 hugs if ok. I know how it must be like for you...but I guess I can never know just how much you have been through.
You deserves happiness, support, love and all the care in the world.
I know it may sounds really unattractive to you, but what doing those things instead of sh? “ write a letter to myself, why I am precious and should take care of myself”, “ listen to my favorite music and wrap myself in a warm blanket for 15 minutes, then call a support hotline.”
