Things about self harm, my real pain

When people ask what the worst thing about self-harm is, they usually say; having to hide everything that has to do with it, Like what you used, what you cleaned with, that sheet of paper you wrote down about what you're going through. Or the burning in that damaged area, feeling your clothes sticking to it and rubbing against the marks. And yes, they are the worst.

But something they rarely talk about is hiding your feelings from the people you love. Maybe not your parents, not your family. You may think you don't have any friends, but maybe they see you as a friend. But not they either, You don't love them enough to tell them, or that they will surely tell others or laugh at you.

Do you know what real pain is for me? Hiding it from someone you really love, someone you should tell everything to.

Someone you want to tell everything to, but you just can't. Someone, who a part of you says they will laugh, who will say that there are people who have "real reasons". And another part of you says that they would worry about you or blame themselves for it. Someone who would say to you, "why did you hide it from me?"

In your case it could be your mother, your sister, a good friend. But what about your partner?

"Why didn't you tell that person who is supposed to support you in everything? And that you should have told him from the beginning?"

"If you didn't do it, it's because you don't love him enough."

One thing about self harm is that when you cut/burn yourself or any variant, you start crying for having done it and for believing that it would make you feel better. So you say, next time I'll do it deeper and then I'll feel better, and so on to the next, and the next. But it doesn't work in any next time. So when you realize it, you do it for the sake of doing it, because you need to.

And because you think it will work the next time, you don't tell him. "When I feel better it won't be necessary." And so on, until who knows what will happen.

My real pain is seeing that the person you love the most sees that you are suffering alone, that you don't want help. And that you see that you are almost losing them, just for not telling them.

And that's true for anyone you love, not necessarily your partner. Shut that thing down and realize there will never be a next time.

Encouragement to whoever reads this