I feel as if I am a coward (TW[?])
sometime in 10th grade I started SH, but I never cut my skin. I felt as if I was a coward, the farthest I was able to go was stabbing with pencils (no bleeding), bruising, pinching, and digging my fingernails into my neck/arms. I have Social Anxiety Disorder that developed during COVID where I developed a hatred for the way I look, so I often SH out of frustration when I see other people living their lives freely. just recently, maybe a month to two months ago, (for context: I have a small mirror in my bag that I bring everywhere) the mirror in my bag cracked and took a shard out and scratched my wrist. I just barely broke the skin and beads of blood rested on my skin. I felt relieved, and for whatever reason, the frustration and self hatred disappeared for a moment. after it healed, it left small scars (they aren't even noticeable now) and that scared me. if my mum were to ever see them she would never understand, she would kick me out of the house to go live with my father who I would never want to live with. I know that not being able to break the skin isn't a think I should feel pathetic about but I do. the farthest I can find myself going is scratching with the mirror shards, then putting hand sanitizer on it.
its not like I want to go farther than that, but I still can't help but feel pathetic, like I'm not doing enough.