Someone on another forum accused me of having BPD (and now I feel awful)
basically someone on Mental health forum randomly accused me of having undiagnosed BPD based off my post history,
my day is ruined.
Certainly not the first incident, on all my past online accounts on pretty much all websites pretty much everyone I met accused me of being overly hysterical (and it only worsened with time)
This is a nightmare as a transgender male that wants to appear more minimal and plain, not over the top.
I am so deeply ashamed to be this emotional.
I take great pride in being stoic and appearing unflappable.
I really do not want to be the kind of person that overreacts to everything and is overly hysterical.
Anyway this is what i posted to the other forum:
can't do pretty much anything at all without flashbacks from the past
pretty much every interaction I have with others will only add onto it
doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt
i feel like a waste of space
hence i dont really like to be described as "interesting", i just wish i was simple and basic and plain, boy/girl next door
e.g. [desirable > undesirable ; respectively]
monotone > loud, expressive, long-winded
faded colours > bright colours
monochrome > colour at all
simplicity > detail
lowkey > over the top
withdrawing information > oversharing
droopy eyelids with baggy eyes > big wide open eyes
i cant open up and make friends with anyone without the type dysphoria e.g. "am I an extravert?" "am I too [insert X trait]?" etc and the crushing feelings of inadequacy when I realise Im not as [insert ideal self] as I thought and others are more ideal self than I am in whatever way
but also simultaneously cringing massively at how I do such a thing in the first place, like loads, to the point of imagining really uncomfortable scenarios
am i being too sensual/corporal without even realising it?
when I speak to people how does my voice sound?
withdrawing from others because overly concerned with what others think while simultaneously ashamed of how much I care about what others think......
its like "I want to do drawing/video games/reading just for the image deep down Im the kind of person that would benefit more from *** dancing or yoga but doesnt wanna admit it because it contradicts massively with how they'd rather be" sorta situation
its like Im so doubtful and confused that different parts of my mind are pulled tightly in all kinds of tight positions to the point of inertia indecision impulsiveness and just feeling really *** overwhelmed
and the fact that when under psychological turmoil in general females tend to ruminate but males tend to distract gives me gender dysphoria
for the love of god to just BE
pale skin, fluffy curly hair, monotone voice, acne, calm in crisis, either that or appears so stoic and rational but is dying internally, quick-witted, works a menial job, may have journal entries about the 4th dimension or something, video game addiction
my personal idea of just utter perfection
I would kill to become that kind of person
at the same time Im jealous of chavs, whenever I touch grass and I witness the "normal looking people" my age Irl i realise how *** cringe it is of me to "dress weird", to be the only one that wears colorful charity shop clothes or something to smoke cigarettes instead of vapes to have an iPhone 5s instead of iphone 104 ultra pro max built in airpods to use Reddit and wikipedia instead of ***
whenever people talk about my sorta personality traits Irl its so vague and superficial.
Nothing compared to the real deal, e.g. proper classifications, like cognitype and Ichazo enneagram and that
Knowing that the people that actually dont give any *** are like brainrotty fat ugly neckbeards NEETs and that Im one of the many insecure boys all on the big fat looksmaxxing wagon (not necessarily solely physical appearance like in the stereotypical sense but like in general, like about pretty much anything a person could be insecure about so they lie about themselves and distort their image and everything to compensate) reassures me
I look at the Youtube comment section of MOTHER by IDLES, someone points out that in this song the guy is screaming with anger authentically because all the other tough angry man songs are so fake and poser-ish "tries hard to appear strong macho aggressive but is actually a ***", *** *** it made me realise how much of a poser I am by listening to June of 44 without realising its "fake" in comparison
Brainrot is so ugly, like just compare the look of the cheviot hills (its like the idyllic swiss alps except on my doorstep so I dont have to pay big bucks for travelling abroad) or like a working class apartment block in the suburbs of some North UK city built in the 1950s on a cold cloudy day or something (if not that a British housing estate, considerably obviously way more middle class looking, in the semi-countryside on a sunny enough (pleasantly sunny not like oppressively hot) day in April) or like cute absent-minded sketches doodles of the Moomins or of sheepies with *** "clones of Shrek dancing in white void 10 hours straight" sorta youtube videos.
I hate how if i vent to forums like this ill just get really vague responses like dont do much (the same happens Irl) and if i vent to somewhere like youtube only comments ill ever get is weirdos treating me like Im some hysterical woman sex toy or smth
Most relatablest songs ever (in terms of lyrics):::
-In The Airplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
-Teen Idle by Marina (except in my situation its obviously way more of an inverted/ alternate universe male version)
-SAMARITANS by IDLES
-There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by the Smiths
-Girls and Boys by Viagra Boys
-You Used To Hold Me by Scott and Leon
-drive it all over me by My *** valentine
-Everything Is Embarrassing by Sky Ferreira
-Little Trouble Girl by Sonic Youth
-Jungle Jim by Rodan
-Sincere by MJ Cole (tbh all UK garage songs lyrics are like the same, all about "I love you i wanna date you but please dont mess with me" pretty much. Nowadays thats pretty much the relationship I have with my brother but instead of wanting him to love me its more I want him to validate my identity instead of treating me like Im my *** younger self)
-Sam fender songs in general
-Pet Shop Boys songs in general
@camo303xvp I'm not sure why someone thought you had BPD? At least with this post, you're not fixated on a favorite person or expressing feelings of emptiness. You sound like you just have to find peace with traits of yourself that might not be ideal to you but also are not necessarily 'bad'. You just sound like someone who is at war with themselves. Everyone wants to change at least something about themselves, that's human nature, and I sure as *** want to change some things too. But, I've found that taking the focus off myself gives me peace- like when I'm concentrating on friends or work or my cat or volunteering or my family. Do you have any person or people or animal that could help you get out of your head and live your life? The type of rumination you have to deal with sounds really painful.
I feel like you’re very focused on fulfilling a certain persona, like that you have to fit into a certain characterization. You mentioned how you want to do different things and hobbies but it doesn’t fit into how you want to be, and I mean it’s more than most people to realize that you don’t really know who you are, or that you’re confused with all the different versions of yourself, and I think a great way to help this discovery(at least it helped me) is to just be crazy about trying new things, and when you do it don’t do it with anyone else, just you. And if you don’t have an inner monologue try speaking aloud a lot when you’re trying to understand how you really feel about something, because a lot of people spend so much of their time going from one task to the next or talking to other people that they don’t really discover what they actually enjoy. For me it was music (highly recommend learning the cello).
And as for looks I think that everyone has something they wish was different, and that can be comforting, but also it’s not bad that you wanna do things to be more comfortable in your body! Instead of “looksmaxing” try going for self care, like getting a haircut or drinking water and going on walks, getting good sleep, eating better, but I think that you are most definitely NOT hysterical because NOOO DUDE you shouldn’t feel bad for saying your emotions on a site MADE for telling others how you feel.
Honestly, I’m really really sorry you feel this way, but it’s great that you’re at least acknowledging it, and being trans I can only assume you’ve previously been uncomfortable with how you perceive yourself, but I really think that finding people in your personal life and hobbies that you truly enjoy (no overthinking about what you think fits your personality or who you want to be) can help you dude. Good luck ok, and I’m sure whoever you find yourself comfortable as is gonna be amazing.
