Love Life? What is that?
Here is the thing.
I was finally feeling good about myself. This week was going smoothly. I was focused on my goals and doing okay with my job. I wasn't feeling the lack I usually feel, the lack of a romantic partner. I am ashamed of that, but it is what it is.
Then a friend opened up a conversation about somebody I liked a few months back. He is a mutual friend. She suggested I should try harder on that, maybe message him or sth, he most likely didn't get I was interested in him. That I let it go too easily.
That little idea, that little possibility of love and the possible rejection, these were enough to shift my focus. For a few months, I banned those ideas, stopped daydreaming about love, stop liking people. Now my heart aches and I remember all my past heart aches. And those moments of fleating joy in a constant state of pain. I am too tense to go on a date with somebody. I should just forget about this thing and remember what is important again.
It's understandable that even the smallest spark of possibility can make everything feel intense again, especially when you've been focused on healing and finding peace within yourself. The ache that you're feeling right now, it's not something to be ashamed of. It's human to want connection and love, and it's okay to feel conflicted when it’s brought up again.
Thank you for your words of emphaty, truely appreciated. Maybe I need to soend more time understanding my needs rather than blaming myself about them
@marydaisy Can you separate going on a date from having a relationship? Can you separate not being in a relationship at this moment from past hurts? Maybe hunger is a metaphor for what I’m trying to suggest. I can live without food for several hours. Eventually I will be reminded about food and I have to go eat. Eating takes care of the need and then I’m good again for several hours. Of course you can’t order up relationships in 30 minutes or less, but the point is you’ll probably cycle through being ok being single and then later desiring a relationship. Put yourself in the dating world without being hungry for the relationship. Just enjoy the date itself. If a relationship comes then great, if it doesn’t great too. There is so much more to your life then whether single or not. Imagine the life you want for you with a relationship playing an “enhancing” but not necessary part.
Thank you, these are great questions to ask, appreciated. It seems like everything is depending on finding a balance. And I know I am trying to break free from my immature understanding of human relations to a mature one. It's okay to have setbacks from time to time I guess :)
@marydaisy
I understand how you can feel conflicted inside about being (or not being) in a relationship.
I believe just a possibility of falling in love can remind us the bad things that happened, like pain, missing someone very much, being mistreated, invisible or misunderstood, rejection or disappointment. Especially if that was repeated many times.
But also I believe that being in a relationship may be a unique way to experience connection, intimacy, understanding, warmth, home, joy, living life to the full and belonging to each other. We lead our calm and well-organized lives alone. Sometimes feeling that something precious is missing. And then: Kaboom! And our well-organized world is suddenly upside down 😊
Thank you for your sincere and kind words. I wasn't afraid of that possibility before but funny enough I do now, cause I know what's at stake 😂
What concerns me in this particular situation is that I'll get myself invested in something that is not true. Instead of seeing dating as in itself fun and without any expectations That I'll use it as a way to distract myself from my goals (Been there done that).
And also I am concerned that I'll get rejected. Because I can't give indirect signals to hint that I like this guy (some of us are not that lucky) I have to ask him out at some point. And rejection even at that stage, would hurt me badly (I know myself, I am sensitive to outside approval). But there is something called rejection theraphy isn't it? Maybe it would be therapeutic 😂
@marydaisy
I am aware of the fact there might be two separate ideas of "dating" nowadays. The more "modern" one is about entertaining oneself with another person (including physically), while the more traditional one is about building some multi-layered connection with someone (though it might be entertaining, too 😉) if both the values and the chemistry are compatible. As far as I know the former is not for me.
I have been rejected many times, but I had no idea it's been therapeutic 😆
To be honest I have no idea if it's therapeutic or not 😂 But I know I should get used to rejection more.
Also ideally deciding on what you want out of dating beforehand, before you even get to know the other person just shouldn't make sense. I'm just trying to maintain that mindset.