Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is something that we do so that we keep ourselves safe as well as our members. If a member's discussion about a particular topic makes you uncomfortable, you can politely tell them that, and ask if they'd like to talk about something else and if not, you can refer them to another listener. However, if you feel their behavior is deliberately harassing, obscene, provoking, threatening or intimidating you should always block/ban/report.
Boundaries come up in other ways too. Sometimes listeners feel that a member is overall dependent on them for support, even getting angry if the listener is not available to chat all the time. You deserve to have a life and it is up to you to decide how much time you wish to dedicate to 7Cups and your members. If you are feeling burned out, it may be time to step back. When members use phrases like , "you saved me, I can't do this without you, I really need you," these are red flags that the member is becoming too dependent on you. We want to support people in pain, and recognize that some people really do need long term support, but other times, if members are using listeners as a way to avoid facing their problems or repair or build relationships in the real world, we can actually be a crutch for them, and hold them back from changes they might make to become more empowered to solve their own problems. It is solely up to you to decide when and if that is happening.
Boundaries will often be tested and the way to have boundaries respected is to ask for the members? support in honoring the times and days you are available to chat, including the length of time you have available.
I sometimes practice what I call "the slow back away." When I sense a member is over-relying on me, I will respond to their messages less frequently, and offer shorter answers to their questions. This way, I can allow the needy member to save face by avoiding direct confrontation.
If a member becomes angry at you for needing space, do not take it personally. You did not do anything wrong. You are steering the member in a healthy direction and also taking care of your own needs.
Members often suffer from abandonment issues, or have had problems with authority figures in their past or present. You as the helper will sometimes symbolically represent those people in a members? life that they believe hurt them, and so they will lash out and scapegoat you as if you were that person. Do not feel bad when that happens. It's normal and natural, and members who do that are hurting and doing the best they can in order to regain a sense of control when they are feeling out of control.
Remember, it isn't your fault.
[Updated by Forum Mentor @Mel - 23rd June 2020]
So important! *bump*
That's really something
Bump!
@InvaderStitch
^Really great post! Just saved me. Thank you so much. :)
I had exactly this dependency issue with a member on here. In the end it even made me deactivate my account and go on a self care break for a few months. I only recently got back to being active.
It had reached a point where they told me I was the only reason for them to not do another suicide attempt. They would get mad or even self-harm when I reduced my time on here or went on vacations irl or when I established the rule that we'll have scheduled sessions twice a week (and I wouldn't talk to them outside of those sessions).
What eventually made me leave was when they admitted they had fallen in love with me. Although I'd made it clear from the start I'll gladly support them as a listener and a friend, but nothing beyond that. Not to mention that I don't even have "the right sexuality" to fall in love with them.
So yeah... I totally didn't know how to "detach them from me", cause everything I tried only seemed to make things worse. And it scared the hell out of me to have that much responsibility. Literally their whole life seemed to depend on me.
In fact I only dared come back because they aren't on 7cups anymore, they deleted their account in the meantime. I hope they didn't commit suicide for real because I left... :/
I'm not a listener, but I have a member harassing me (I've blocked him on all the other sites I'm a member of, and blocked his telephone number). There doesn't seem to be anyway of blocking him from posting on my feed.
@LittleLotte So sorry they became so dependant on you, thats never easy and can become quite draining.. You had mentioned you blocked them on other sites as well as their personal phone #? Currently it is asked you Refrain from sharing personal contact information (ex. Social media accounts, home addresses, phone numbers, messaging apps/sites, or any other medium of contact off-site), simply as once you make contact off the 7 Cups platform we don't know who's on the other side of the screen and it can be dangerous, harrassment can be involved, etc. I know you mentioned you had to block them off other sites as well, thankfully if you stay on one platform, you only have to block on one platform if necessary! I encourage you to check out the Community guidelines here! Remember to stay safe 
@MissMeghan Unfortunately it was the other way around - I knew him on another site and had swapped numbers before he ever came to 7Cups. I recommended 7Cups to him by text message as I couldn't support him enough and thought a listener would be helpful for him. I never share my personal information with people on 7Cups. However I do have the same username on 7Cups as several other sites which makes me easier to find.
The posts in the forum were very helpful to me.
I focus on the LGBTQ+ community and it's very easy for the younger people to "fall in love with you." (Been there, done that when I was their age).
....But now I am here, years later, with a ton of life experiences. Some I share if appropriate.
I am currently in a 32-year relationship with my partner, unheard of in the gay community when a long relationship is usually May to December.
I still have issues with those becoming so dependent that if you don't chat with them when online, they threaten self-harm. I then wonder if it did occur after I log off for the day. ( have anxiety over that)
Then at times I go the other way, and cannot wait for Member-x to log on because I care for their issues (and them) so much. I need to be able to back off when I find myself having a "crush" on them.
Do any of you that are LGBTQ+ have issues like these?
Thanks a million.
I believe it's important, about where the chat is heading. and the things you can and can't say, via the rules and personal boundaries. To keep the member focused on what the problem is
Boundaries are, important. Because it gives you, protection, those of us ,who have partners, particularly in sexual chat, where I feel uncomfortable, I advise them, that I do not do that, and offer them the chance, to switch to another listener
This is so important and I need it to hear this!!!
Thanks for the valuable information , It helped me a lot🌱💜
