Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is something that we do so that we keep ourselves safe as well as our members. If a member's discussion about a particular topic makes you uncomfortable, you can politely tell them that, and ask if they'd like to talk about something else and if not, you can refer them to another listener. However, if you feel their behavior is deliberately harassing, obscene, provoking, threatening or intimidating you should always block/ban/report.

Boundaries come up in other ways too. Sometimes listeners feel that a member is overall dependent on them for support, even getting angry if the listener is not available to chat all the time. You deserve to have a life and it is up to you to decide how much time you wish to dedicate to 7Cups and your members. If you are feeling burned out, it may be time to step back. When members use phrases like , "you saved me, I can't do this without you, I really need you," these are red flags that the member is becoming too dependent on you. We want to support people in pain, and recognize that some people really do need long term support, but other times, if members are using listeners as a way to avoid facing their problems or repair or build relationships in the real world, we can actually be a crutch for them, and hold them back from changes they might make to become more empowered to solve their own problems. It is solely up to you to decide when and if that is happening.

Boundaries will often be tested and the way to have boundaries respected is to ask for the members? support in honoring the times and days you are available to chat, including the length of time you have available.

I sometimes practice what I call "the slow back away." When I sense a member is over-relying on me, I will respond to their messages less frequently, and offer shorter answers to their questions. This way, I can allow the needy member to save face by avoiding direct confrontation.

If a member becomes angry at you for needing space, do not take it personally. You did not do anything wrong. You are steering the member in a healthy direction and also taking care of your own needs.

Members often suffer from abandonment issues, or have had problems with authority figures in their past or present. You as the helper will sometimes symbolically represent those people in a members? life that they believe hurt them, and so they will lash out and scapegoat you as if you were that person. Do not feel bad when that happens. It's normal and natural, and members who do that are hurting and doing the best they can in order to regain a sense of control when they are feeling out of control.

Remember, it isn't your fault.

[Updated by Forum Mentor @Mel - 23rd June 2020]