a friendship break up or worth saving.
I have a long time friend of six years. Like everything we've had our ups and downs but with this latest "bump" I'm having second thoughts about us. I don't want to say it's abusive or unhealthy or toxic becacuse this person has been with me through a lot of terrible things and supported me through like self-destructive moments. but here is a list of some red flags of the Big Break.
1. a friend of theirs, not mine, bad mouthed me passive aggressively in public to them. they took their friend's side, saying it was only socially awkward at worst. she wanted me to take the high road, but also does not think her friend took a "low road" to speak. she blamed the public awkward position she was placed in on me, not on the friend who brought the conversation up in the first place.
2. i accepted that as we have different friends they can hold that feeling but i hoped at least that they could heat out my side. all they wanted was for the conversation to end after i said smth like "yes ofc we see things differently."
3. when i pressed to explain my hurt feelings about it, they said they couldn't sympathize at all and that they could maybe empathize. they did not even consider asking how i felt until i brought it up. the conversation took a turn here bc they seemed to be under a lot of pressure? i was rly trying to be understanding about them not taking my side though.
4. after that i apologized and they asked for a break bc i was too much.
5. but bc of an emergency i decided that the break was worth putting aside for a small message of love and i did it. i told her at even tho we're on a break i wanted to know i was thinking about her during this tough time. she responded that she considered messaging me.
6. now that we're trying to make up she 6a. said we're in the same both because we both sat on our hands about reaching out first (not true....I actually did reach out?) 6b. said we can be friends again if I don't hold anything against her and put any pressure on her.
7. we're basc still on a break but taking it slow and so far have an optimistic outlook BUT she kept emphasizing that i was the one pushing the fix to go too fast, even when I was trying to be considerate. she doesn't want to talk or resolve what happened in the past, she just wants to forget it even though i want to talk about it (but i'm willing to try to put it in the past too). i feel like i'm signining a contract to never acknowledge my past hurt again bc doing so will hurt her feelings.
8.. bonus info: she said she missed me because she wanted someone to talk nightmares with, meanwhile i've been having nightmares about us for the past weeks we've been on a break
I know we're both going through tough times right now, physical and mental health wise so I want to give her a break. But I'm also scared? Of messing up? And I don't know if messing up is staying with her or not. I've talked to some people about it and no one thinks it's abusive, just inconsiderate of her, but I'm still trying to be with her against our mutual friends' advice. So I think I just need some help from complete strangers. On how to see this? How to deal with her without damanging myself, her or what we have.
@dreamforward
I'm sorry you've had to go through this and I'm sending you a virtual hug:) We all change and grow throughout our life journey and sometimes that requires friendship changes as well. If your friend can't support you in front of others, or claims you are too much, or won't be there for you, then in my opinion it is not a healthy friendship! I know it can be very hard to let go of a friend or someone we love, but life is too short to not surround ourselves with people who build us up, not tear us down. Maybe both you and her have changed and the friendship has come to a natural end. You could wait to see what happens or talk to her one on one. Whatever you decide to do, remember you need good healthy friends! I wish you the best of luck!
@Pinkfluffyunicorns8706
ty, i think i'm going to have to end it? because it's not healthy. but it's hard because she's not very good at listening or taking responsibility but she talks big about loving me and caring about me but also thinks everything is my fault in this fight we're having. and i don't want to hurt her so i'm not sure how the conversation is going to go. ugh, the signs don't really point to a healthy relationship and i feel like i know logically to leave but i've known her for years and i don't know what my future would be like with that empty hole.
@Pinkfluffyunicorns8706 Was gonna say something very similar to this :)
@dreamforward
It really tough when in a relationship one person wants to talk things out and another one wants to move on and "forget" it. Are you always the one compromising what you need? Is there balance in the relationship? Can you talk to them, at a different time, about your thoughts and feelings? If you feel like the relationship is worth saving then you can continute to work on. If you are having to guess whether it is healthy then there might be some changes that need to take place, and both people have to be willing.
@ali1112 In the past we have both made compromises, but right now it's all me (although they act like they're also putting in effort, or they dismiss my efforts at reaching out/compromising/etc). I am hoping to talk to them at a later time but that would have to be in a few weeks, according to them, and even so I know they won't reach out first. It's not in their character and they'll probably just say we both didn't reach out once I do, so. Anyway I'd have to break the bubble and hope I'm not intruding by triyng to fix this. I'm still not sure if it's worth saving because maybe we're just in different places if not unhealthy.