When To Throw Away A Decade Of Friendship, HELP!
In 2007 Jeremy might as well have come riding into my life on a white horse with a cape. I was in an abusive relationship with his cousin and he became the best friend I had ever had, he fixed everything, from busting his cousins lip to repairing my cars. His house was my second home. We were the best of friends with every benefit imaginable and he'd do anything in the world for me, anything that is except make me officially his. For 6 years we were inseparable and sometimes we were romantic and sometimes we weren't but whatever was happening one thing was for sure, we were each others. I got tired of waiting for a commitment so I dated a couple guys but we were still bff's through it all and he never dated anyone else. He finally met someone else and immediately almost was telling her he loved her and it devastated me but it didn't last long. I thought I was finally going to have my chance and I was going to finally admit how I felt but then he met "Felicia". Well that would have been short lived but about 2 months into that he told me one night he was going to break up with her and the next day he found out she was pregnant. He was ready to be with me and then boom, baby. So fast forward his daughter is now 6 and we were still very close in the beginning but he moved to Texas for awhile and Felicia was instantly threatened by our friendship so we went a few years without much contact. About a year and a half ago he randomly started coming back to my house where I live with my now husband. Then he started talking about us ending up together and ya'll I'm not a home wrecker or a cheater but this wasn't just any guy, my husband had cheated on me and my marriage was already dead, I was finally looking at my dreams come true even if it was wrong and his home hadn't been happy from the start, he just thinks he would do his daughter some great injustice by leaving her mother so they fight in front of her instead. He pulled me all the way back in, I was so in love and he said he wanted to be with me and then he just ghosted me which is something he had never done to me before. But now, in the last year and a half he has done that to me 5 times total. Sometimes the "Goodmorning beautiful"s and constant text would last a few months, sometimes a few weeks but each time when it stops, he completely just ignores me. When I comfront him, he says he just got busy, lost his phone, trying to avoid drama with Felicia but that he wouldn't ignore me and hes sorry but then he does it again. Ya'll hes not using me for sex cause in the last year and a half of this emotional torment we have only had sex once. I would say I should stop letting him do this but we've been friends a decade and he says he has feelings for me we just can't do anything about that right now yet now I keep feeling used and hurt. Its like he makes me feel as bad now as he use to make me feel good but our connection and chemistry is undeniable. He opens up to me in ways he wouldn't open up to anyone else but sometimes it feels like he treats me like a stranger. I'm not sure if hes ever known exactly how I felt years ago and I'm not sure if theres any point in going there now. I've tried to tell him his actions hurt me but I don't think he really understands what I mean, what should I do? Should I throw it away or hold on? I love this man and I don't want to throw away a friendship that we have agreed we don't want to ruin but when he ghost me I always end up losing my cool and then I always get a response but I don't think he takes me seriously cause as soon as he says sorry, I never mention it again. Any advice at all would be great and if your still reading, God Bless You! lol Thank You!!
@Carma7710
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
He finally met someone else and immediately almost was telling her he loved her (This is a huge red flag here, he was feeling lust for her and love. This is a sign he was projecting a fantasy and unmet needs onher) and it devastated me but it didn't last long. I thought I was finally going to have my chance and I was going to finally admit how I felt but then he met "Felicia". Well that would have been short lived but about 2 months into that he told me one night he was going to break up with her and the next day he found out she was pregnant. He was ready to be with me and then boom, baby. So fast forward his daughter is now 6 and we were still very close in the beginning but he moved to Texas for awhile and Felicia was instantly threatened by our friendship so we went a few years without much contact. About a year and a half ago he randomly started coming back to my house where I live with my now husband. (I'm noticing he is not showing intengrity and consideration for your marriage with the way he used to show up like this)Then he started talking about us ending up together and ya'll I'm not a home wrecker or a cheater but this wasn't just any guy, (I can understand you have a lot of feelings for this guy, but he tends to project fantasies on you and give you all of this promises. He comes across as selfish with empty promises. It's like he is telling you everything you want to hear) my husband had cheated on me and my marriage was already dead, (One thing I would like to point out is that there's probably some fears which lead you to staying with your husband) I was finally looking at my dreams come true even if it was wrong and his home hadn't been happy from the start, he just thinks he would do his daughter some great injustice by leaving her mother so they fight in front of her instead. (These are the excuses he is telling you not leave her) He pulled me all the way back in, I was so in love and he said he wanted to be with me and then he just ghosted me which is something he had never done to me before. (I could see how hurtful this was, and honestly you didn't deserve any of this. The thing with him is that deep fears tend to take over when it comes to materializing his empty promises, so then he disappears without thinking how this would impact you) But now, in the last year and a half he has done that to me 5 times total. (This is way too long, boundaries should have been implemented if not then he will keep doing this to you) Sometimes the "Goodmorning beautiful"s and constant text would last a few months, sometimes a few weeks but each time when it stops, he completely just ignores me. (He charms you, you two get too close and then he disappears. This can definetly be quite confusing and hurtful, but it's not fair on you to deal with how inconsistent he is) When I comfront him, he says he just got busy, lost his phone, trying to avoid drama with Felicia but that he wouldn't ignore me and hes sorry but then he does it again. (Excuses) Ya'll hes not using me for sex cause in the last year and a half of this emotional torment we have only had sex once. (When things go well with her or when he feels the closeness is where he disappears, but when things are going bad in his life is where he starts texting you to charm you back. If he is really serious about things between you two, then he would have left her) I would say I should stop letting him do this but we've been friends a decade and he says he has feelings for me (The only love he feels is for himself, and the only thing he cares are about his needs and wants. I don't buy the whole "i have feelings for you", if he did then he would be with you and not her) we just can't do anything about that right now yet now I keep feeling used and hurt. (Its understandable, his inconsistency tends to really take a toll on you) Its like he makes me feel as bad now as he use to make me feel good but our connection and chemistry is undeniable. (One thing I would like to point out is that love probably feels inconsistent, betrayal and not safe for you, so you will feel this powerful attraction for men who have those 3 qualities) He opens up to me in ways he wouldn't open up to anyone else but sometimes it feels like he treats me like a stranger. (Yes, it feels this way because he opens up, but at the same time keeps you at a distance. You shouldn't tolerate people who are this inconsistent in your life because it will trigger your anxiety) I'm not sure if hes ever known exactly how I felt years ago and I'm not sure if theres any point in going there now. I've tried to tell him his actions hurt me but I don't think he really understands what I mean, what should I do? (Don't waste your time with a man who comes and goes without any consideration for how you feel) Should I throw it away or hold on? I love this man (You love how he makes you feel) and I don't want to throw away a friendship that we have agreed we don't want to ruin but when he ghost me I always end up losing my cool and then I always get a response but I don't think he takes me seriously cause as soon as he says sorry, (He doesn't have the ability to show empathy and understand for a person emotions, so he will be dismissive and tells you what you want to hear.) I never mention it again. Any advice at all would be great and if your still reading, God Bless You! lol Thank You!!
@freshLight64 Thanks so much! You make very valid points and even though I may have known that deep down, I needed to hear it. I also really wanted an outside opinion and your responses were very honest and kind. Thank you again!
@freshLight64
youre the best listener in relationships, thank you so much for helping people! I don't see you being online to message you so I'm just saying this here thank you for helping me out too. also videos of coach Craige Kenneth that you suggested for me to watch helped me a lot. Thank you again :)
@freshLight64 you are very inspiring and great at helping find clarity. @sheila99 is right, you are the best listener I have saw on this site this far. When you said that he was a trigger for my anxiety it hit me hard. I knew that, I could feel the difference in my anxiety by what was going on with him at that particular time and I would feel completely out of control of my emotions when things got bad. As hard as it is to admit, he is toxic for me and he may have been for many more years than I could see it. When someone treats you like your as special as he always treated me like I was, its hard not to get caught up believing that. Everything you said was spot on and very helpful, especially just to know that I'm not losing my mind. Thank you for being an awesome, caring person!
@Carma7710
Thank you, i really appreciate everything you said, for comments like that it inspires me even more to help other people here. You are not losing your mind or going crazy, its just your attachment system is being overly activated when he displays inconsistent behaviors. The moment he ghosts you is where it triggers the fear of abandonment, and then you enter this overwhelming fear that takes over your body. The moment he doesn't respond to messages, shows inconsistency, or shows some sort of affection is where your attachment system will activate depending on how much he does these things. There's also a chance of co-depedency you feel when it comes to him, you might have to search on this because its something i still have to read very throughly.
