Rocky marriage
I’ve only been married 2 years and I’m already feeling worried. I’m growing less and less attracted to my husband and I’m getting bored in our marriage. He is 10 years older than me and when we first met we had so much fun together. We were instantly connected and became best friends and inseparable. Now 7 years and one kid later, I’m finding myself looking forward to the time we spend apart. He’s getting fat and grey, this really bothers me that he doesn’t care to take care of his physical appearance. He’s also going to bed before 10pm and some nights before 8pm. He is 46 and goes to bed before our kid who is not yet 2 years old. And We don’t have any intimacy at all. I feel like I have to beg him to be sexual with me and even still it’s less than twice a month. We don’t even cuddle. We barely even talk about anything anymore. He has so many responsibilities that he has made for himself and he overloads his plate constantly. Then he gets stressed out and then I get the grump stressed out guy who only has time for his smoke and his beer before he’s asleep on the couch. I stopped sleeping with him because he snores and I cannot sleep like that. So we haven’t shared a bed in almost two years. I keep hoping for a time when the stress is gone and when he is t feeling over worked and overwhelmed but to be honest the idea of cheating on him excites me. And because he has such a lack of interest in intimacy I don’t think he would even care if I found a new friend. Sometimes I think he would even appreciate me having someone else to rely on for emotional comfort and sexual pleasure. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave him not having only been married two years. I want to make things work. We have talked about feeling like we are just not on the same page anymore on numerous occasions. Maybe even once a month when my irritability is high and tolerance too low. And when we talk we both are emotional together and we say we will make things better but we go through this every month. I get jealous of other people who are happy in their marriage and attracted to their husbands. I feel stupid for falling for him and I feel like I could have done so much better. I’m scared that I made the wrong decision and now I’m stuck. When we met I was so dark and depressed and heartbroken and I’m scared that I moved too fast because I was jaded. Please help if anyone has any advice.
@greenmagmolias2404
I'm sorry your struggling so much in your relationship. I'm no expert but I've been married for 30+ years, two grown kids. Trust me many times I questioned my relationship...he's 10 years older than me too. I think relationships are the most difficult thing in life. I think therapy can help. A third professional person who is a relationship expert may be able to bring to light what is happening and how to find a new way to make it work. I think you deserve a chance to save your marriage...
I noticed that my marriage had it's ups and downs over the years depending on what was going on with jobs, kids, finances etc. We did not agree on how to raise kids or how to spend or not spend money. I definitely had my doubts at times. I still do some days. I just really want this relationship to work so I keep keeping on, I wish you luck and hope you can try to save your marriage.
Best always ABB 💜
Thank you for your understanding and suggestions. I’m really glad you shared your experience with me. It helps to feel like someone DOES actually understand. I think therapy might help but I know he would never agree to it. He has mentioned in the past, but regarding his friends relationship, that he thinks getting a third person involved is useless and overrated. This was of course years ago back when we were so In love and so happy and seen as the couple everyone was jealous of. It’s so strange how things can change so fast. I don’t mean to make it seem like things are awful because there are times, I’d say 30% of the time when I’m happy with him. He still needs to exercise and keep a nice hair cut but it doesn’t stop me from being flirtatious and making him feel attractive anyway. And like you said this is a stressful time: he works, the house is being renovated, his father is moving to the street right behind us, there’s a financial increase coming soon but we also have the money already allocated to specific things. And blablabla. The list goes on. And I’m home all day with the kid for a few more months. So things are definitely stressful and in the midst of it there are times when I’m happy with him. But as the stress builds I just wish we could find a way to grow closer Not further apart. And I can’t talk to my family about this because I don’t want anyone to think I’m unhappy. And worry. They don’t live close enough to come visit and help me so it would just worry them to think I’m having a hard time. So I keep everything bottled up. So again I appreciate your kind words and helpful encouragement. Means a lot.
@greenmagnolias2404
I understand. I'm glad my response was somewhat helpful. Personally I love going to therapy and my spouse doesn't but that's ok it helps me and he accepts that I need it. It's an act of self care and I have alot if childhood trauma I needed to process on top of other things. Btw my best friend was ready to leave her spouse and she got to a point where she said come to therapy or I'm moving out. He wanted to save their relationship and he agreed to go to therapy , that was over 5 years ago and they are still together.
I also stayed at home for awhile when my kids were small- the hardest job I ever did btw- it might help if you had something outside of being a mom at home. Maybe a class, or a hobby or a movie with girlfriends. I went to an excercise class 2x a week in the evenings. It helped me keep my stay at home mom brain healthy lol.
Over the years I also would write letters to my spouse because he's a terrible listener and he listened better to my letters. I told him when I liked things and when I wanted to improve things between us. I tried the positive approach. In my experience men stop listening when it's criticism ( no offence guys).
Anyway some information for you, hope it helps . Best always ABB 💜
It is very helpful!!!! I’m grateful for your replies, gives me a lot to think about and pursue. I do write a lot about how I feel but I’ve never thought about writing to him. I have a pad in my phone where I write down all of my feelings occasionally for the past 6-7 years. Sometimes I can be very openly harsh about things so I never want him to see it. But I started doing it because I wanted to be able to freely get all my thoughts out of my head and to go back and see how I feel about things later…. just to know if I’m overreacting or if I feel the same or if I’m feeling better or worse… kinda like a check to see if I’m just being “black and white” or not. I am trying to learn how to live with greys since the last 10 years when I was diagnosed with BPD. I’m not sure if I believe the diagnosis but I do agree with some of it… so I have been really working on myself the last ten years. Anyways … While I’m always writing my feelings I think it’s a great idea to start a notepad where I write letters to him. Even if I don’t plan to give them to him right away I think it’s going to be something good for me to do.
i also joined a yoga class that’s once a week which unfortunately is on a hiatus right now but you have made me think…. Maybe I should just go online and do yoga along side a YouTube video or something. But it was nice to get out of the house and do yoga for 2.5 hours once a week. It forced me to take time to myself and it forced my husband to see what it’s like having a toddler and trying to cook dinner at the same time. It helped him live in my shoes for a few hours once a week and it was good for us both.
I think if it comes to it, giving him an ultimatum like your friend did is also a good option to keep in mind. And telling him that maybe he doesn’t agree but that it would be something good for ME is a good route too.
once again, thank you. I’m liking your positive approach method.