Relationship moving downhill
After an affair, my SO initially refused to break contact with the OW. At my insistance, he did. I found out the other day that he had contact with her. He became depressed when I continued to insist that he have only necessary email contact and cc me. I know he has no intention of following that. He has said to me that if he had enough money, he would possibly move out and that "the jury is still out" on our relationship.
If I put my foot down and say, comply or get out, he'd probably leave and I don't want that. I know what you all are going to say -- you are crazy. Let him go. We've been married for 32 years. Just found out our son is separated from his wife. We have no idea why. Both men in my life basically refuse to communicate with me. I just "pressure" them too much.
@fearlessOak3002
Hi there, I can see why you would think that you're "pressuring" them too much, but from my standpoint, I do think that you have the right to do so! About your son, you're his mother, and so, of course, you would be worried about his well-being and would like to know what had transpired between him and his wife. It is definitely harder to support someone when you're kept in the dark about what's going on. However, understand that perhaps your son's refusal to talk is probably because he needs time to figure things out on his own; it has nothing to do with you. Just gently let him know that you are there for him if he needs your support.
Regarding your husband, I hear you. That is not an easy position to be in as you do want him to end communication with the OW, but by asking him to do so, makes you look/feel like the domineering wife. And at the end of the day, this is something which you wouldn't want to have to tell him to do; the hope is that he himself wants to end things with her. And the fact that he appears reluctant is probably making it harder for you to forgive and rebuild the trust for him. Overall, I can only imagine how much pain and sadness you must feel, 32 years of marriage is a long time. As you do know your relationship better than anyone else, what do you think that your next step should be?
For example, have you spoken to him about your thoughts/feelings in detail? Do you feel like you'll be happier if you left him? Reconsider why you should stay, or why you should leave. Perhaps even reflect on whether you'll be happy if this continues down the road for the next 10 years. If nothing changed, would your future self tell you to stay or leave? It's not going to be easy, but I think that only you would know what would be the best for you. If possible, get some support from friends or family, just so that you don't feel too alone in this
Thank you, @2cupsofteaa. Re: my son, my main concern, in the end, is his kids. In the short time they've been separated, he has gone from seeing them 1 day a week, to multiple days. I know it is tough to be the non-custodial parent, but I feel strongly that they need their dad in their lives. It seems that he is realizing that too. You are right that he needs to regroup and kind of "lick his wounds" a bit.
As for my husband, yes, I want to stay. I can see how confused he is right now, which confuses me. I'm willing to fight for my marriage. I have made an appointment for therapy. Hopefully, seeing a professional will help me clarify things.
We did make some headway the other day after having talked. This is so hard. It feels like my whole world has caved in and it's frightening. But, I do have support, for which I am grateful.
@fearlessOak3002
Hmm, regarding your son. It definitely would be tough being a non-custodial parent and not just for him, but also his kids. And I know that as a mother, it would be a difficult thing too to see your son struggle like that, but in the end, you just got to believe that he will find the strength to pull through this, and the same goes for you as well!
I'm happy to hear that your husband and you have been talking though, and that you are considering therapy. Hopefully through this, you would attain some more insight and clarity into your situation. Either ways, it does sound like a very confusing place to be in for you and your husband, but what seems to be certain for sure is your wish to stay and work things out. I think that no matter what happens in the end, you really gave it all you got. And I know it's a scary position to be in right now as the future seems really shaky and unpredictable, but honestly, support is everything and things do happen for a reason. Just hang in there, and remember to be kind to yourself too. Self-care in times like these are very important!
@2cupsofteaa, thanks. (Sorry for the above. Stupid computer.) I am definitely giving it all I've got. That's for sure. And, I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason.
@fearlessOak3002
Haha no worries! And my thoughts are with you! I hope that no matter what happens, you'll come to terms with it and continue having the strength that you have right now!! <3
@2cupsofteaa, thanks! I hope so. My anxiety symptoms have been ramping up. I'm much more aware of them now. Can't wait for the therapist appointment to come through.
@fearlessOak3002
Considering the amount of stress and worry that you're going through, it's understandable. That's why the priority is to also take care of yourself :) Perhaps check in often with how you're feeling on a daily basis and give yourself space/rest when it's needed!
@fearlessOak3002. I don't think you're crazy, you are very compassionate and when you have a a long history with someone, you still love them and Don't want to give up on them. Sometimes being stubborn and loving someone so much is what it takes to save a marriage, also sometimes it doesn't work, but in the end your husband has to make a choice, i admire your strength ! Make sure to take care of yourself, you are important!
After 7 whole yrs of being together wen broke up for a whole yr straight and got back together of Aug 2016 every since then nothing has been the same the love is different the sex is different the feeling is different.i just don't know what to do at this point I love him and I know he loves me so very much but we both know that we need more then just love. I feel like our flame has stop burning can anybody give me any tips on what to do
@mommy4, I am dealing with that a bit myself. Part of it is me being older, part of it is us having been together for so long, and a great deal of it is the trouble we've been through recently. I am in the process of dealing with how much I have changed and how much our relationship has changed. For me, personally, it is worth it. For others, perhaps not.