Not Dating but Seeing People

This is a new world of dating where people are seeing people and not calling it anything or saying just friends but acting like more and never saying you want more cuz you might have to give up your something else going on. I'm new to this and I thought it would be freeing, but it doesn't feel free. It feels like I'm trapped by muliple people who don't tell me they want more because they are seeing someone else too because they are scared to focus on one person again too, and I am craving more, but I'm scared I'll never meet anyone who only wants me. I know many people who thought there would be someone some day and they waited and the day never came for them and they suffered and cried themselves to sleep in cold beds. I know someone who is literally dying, will die within weeks, who is dying alone cuz her man cheated and left her. I have been cheated on in every relationship, so I thought I'd try not going for a relationship. Just taking what I need from these non relationships and being free. But it's not working for me. I don't like the way I feel. It feels like I'm lying even though I know they keep their side secrets too because we never ask each other. I'm afraid to let go because I don't want to be alone and lose the only connections I have and I'd miss these people too. I don't think I like this non dating situation, these non relationships. But I've also been hurt too much to even consider trusting someone to put my heart on the line and stay loyal to just one. I couldn't do it without the same promise and even then I doubt I could go without doubting them. I think I might be broken for that kind of love which is sad, because it's the only kind I ever wanted. So now I'm trying to love myself and trying to focus on self respect and I'm finding I don't respect myself for beingin these non relationships. It's not all the time. Sometimes I feel fine. But sometimes my chest hurts and I meditate on why and I find it's got something to do with these ...non boo's, and a kind of loneliness that I've always had. A hope that's been shattered beyond repare. So if I know I'm not ready for the real thing, even though that's what I want, and I can't stand to be without some kind of affection for long without going crazy, what should I do? I'm thinking about it. I'm pushing it out of my mind but I lay awake at night with eyes wide, thinking about it. I wake up and I hit snooze and I want to go back to sleep but I can't, cause I'm thinking about one or the other man and how I'm keeping them a secret from each other, and how they have secrets from me too, how they don't put me first neither, how they lie and cheeat and steal moments and kisses and affections of their other mistresses. None of us knows what we want even the ones that are lying to me saying I'm the only one and they got a history of cheating on me when we were as one. I fantasize about monogomy and polygamy and I'm jealous and I'm selfish and so are they. So this is a weird time in my history. When I didn't know what would become of me. I'm not having a relationship but I'm seeing people who are seeing people. Better than making promises we can't keep. But I dream of the day someone I want makes that promise to me, that's when i really think, I'll be free.