Love, something that happens to other people, like Olympic gold medals.

I have a lot of conflicting thoughts about why I'm not, never have been and probably never will be in a genuine relationship. I don't particularly enjoy this aspect of my life, but I know being all 'I'll never get a girlfriend, woe is me' isn't a good look, and I don't want to be too whiny about things'. I don't want to be just another sadboi that people will back away from because it starts to sound a bit incelly; so I tend not to voice my thoughts, and just argue with myself internally instead.

Basically, I find it impossible to believe that I stand a chance, ever, of being in a relationship. I have tried to change my thinking; because people will tell me that if you don't believe something can happen then it will never happen. I just can't do it though, it seems too cringe to me, telling myself that I can meet someone who is interested in me and might lead to something just feels like a lie. I can't suspend disbelief enough to believe in it.

I feel like there must be something within my pysche that holds me back. Relationships are a normal part of life, not something only ever experienced by an elite few (the gold medal analogy). Surely I'm not just exceptionally unsuited to them. I can't be the ugliest, creepiest or dullest human to ever walk the Earth, I know that these would be ridiculous statements, and people in my situation are generally told that 'you're being your own worst enemy'.

At the same time, I know that I'm really nothing special. I'm socially awkward and very uncharismatic; I know for a fact that I'm unattractive because I've been told enough times (people, even sometimes well-meaning people have this thing where they seem to think ugly people have just learned to laugh at themselves) and I have no particular talents, I don't create anything of any real beauty or value, don't play any musical instruments to any degree of competency, and so on, I've tried but I don't really ever get better at anything. I wouldn't be excessively down on myself if I said that I was probably in the bottom 5% or so when it comes to relationship appeal. It sounds like a really pessimistic thing to say but 5% means one out of every 20 people, which isn't really that unbelievable.

So I'm conflicted between the desire to understand what it is that is holding me back and what feels like an imperative to just come to terms with who I am, and the fact that there is nothing about me that has ever been considered attractive.

I have been in a relationship... once, for 15 months, 12 years ago. I don't feel like it should count though, she was just looking for the next person to come along. I'm wary about claiming it amounted to psychological abuse because that's what incels do, and one time I did bring some of the stuff she did to me up with a therapist and was just quickly shut down and accused of trotting out the crazy ex-girlfriend trope that guys use to blame their mental health issues on women. It was rocky though and I felt on an emotional knife-edge for the majority of it, there was no love there really, some initial co-dependence and then I was made to sleep on the sofa. I also made some very bad decisions which at the time I felt I had no choice in and some of which still impact my life to this day. I constantly felt at fault and that all the punishments doled out to me were justified, I had bouts of total amnesia (like I mean total, entire weeks just erased) I gave up almost everything I had and when the relationship ended I had to rebuild my life from scratch.

Since then I had sex a couple of times, about six years ago now... just a FWB thing, we're still friends but long-distance friends who speak occasionally on FB. Even before the relationship though my dating life was very much unsuccessful. First kiss at 21 who turned out to only be trying to make her boyfriend jealous (it worked), almost lost my virginity at 23, with the second girl I ever kissed, but chickened out and it became awkward. I regret that, she was nice and did just want no-strings-attached sex, with me of all people, but by that point I was convinced that sex would just ruin it, I was 23 and would be expected to be good at sex and it would be nice to get to know her but there was no way she would want to ever see me again. I never did see her again but heard from a mutual friend that she was pretty angry at me for not going through with it. Eventually lost my virginity at 27 with the girl I was in a relationship with, the third girl I ever kissed.