Living with fearful-avoidant/disorganised attachment style
Hello, ESL from poland here and it's my sad part of life.
When i doing research first i though it's was gynophobia since 10 years of age, in which there was a partial remission during junior high school come back to secondary school, currently again partial remission (kind of).
What does mean partial? I did not run away from everyone, but only those who made such offers to me, relationship or just they asked directly if i like them (in context sexually, English sucks here, due to lack T-V distinction)
So i survived all education, in which the only "achievement" was where girl literally forced hug to me. Now i have 24 years old and practically i don't have any experience in this aspect of life. Meh, Incels/Xpills they complain about the lack partners meanwhile i had completely opposite. Anyway they are toxic, in my youth I agree for some of their things because eg. redpill handbook literally promote the core FA wounds - no trust, and expecting it to be broken or worse, betrayed. What can I say, such a life is technically possible but in my opinion the suffering is not worth it.
I have had few IRL friends, once was so high that one point he had an aggressor and broke off the relationship, second in some sense betrayed me, he urged me to stealing. Currently I have no one, except internet friends, which I sometimes meet in real life, but due to health and security (i live in polish equivalent of detroit) reasons, it's very rarely.
Coming back, normally, when someone want to be a buddy or friend i don't mind, but when someone expects more, i break contact almost immediately. This led to style pathology like the girl in the class literally confess love and me? I just avoid for 3 F* years. I'd rather not imagine what a person who had to see a person like me had to go through every day. It had to be so cruel... inb4 you could have proposed to we be friends. Ach, if it were that simple...
Why it's complicated? Because as i noticed, crossing the red line means there is no turning back. I chat with other girl on IRC where we talk since about 1 year as buddies, later moved to DM where i opened more, for the first time in my life i confided in my problem to someone, she generally understood but well, for some reason, she has chosen play with my anxiety and began flirting for me (for fun, because she has a boyfriend) effect?
2 mental breakdowns
vomit
escape on 24 hours (deactivated mechanism)
borderline attack for 2 weeks interwoven via s***ci*al thoughts
fear of abandonment all the time (so OCD)
About the moment when i confessed to (in relation to the past, but still) s***ci*al thoughts, she stopped replying. And so I found 7cups. And no, i don't want k*ll myself, and no, I'm not going to. At present my condition is stable. Here:
https://youtu.be/1fnmR0MkppU?t=235
is explained perfectly what exactly i thought.
And at about this point I already discovered that it wasn't gynophobia but fearful-avoidant attachment style.
The scientific literature is also full of studies in which many mental disorders is correlated have been proven and i was in a shocked how many of them fit me too, and i didn't realize it.
BPD
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2468749922000096
OCD
https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.2044-8341.2011.02028.x
Depersonalization
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2468749922000096
Alexithymia
https://journals.lww.com/jonmd/Fulltext/2001/05000/Alexithymia_and_Attachment_Representation_in.7.aspx
perfectionism
Probably depression
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002239562200019X
Especially borderline really hit me because in each other aspect of my life i'm always emotionally stable, like rock.
fortunately, there is no correlation with psychosis, what i feared the most - because I was unable to find any professional help, who understands this rare condition - depending on the source, it is estimated that 2-7% of the population suffer from it (but these sources are uncertain so I do not recommend taking my word for it here).
And currently i stuck to healing, because maybe I read and understand more and more about it (in particular thanks to this YouTube channel above) but i don't have "exercise material" at the moment, euphemistically speaking and i still feel that when i confronted again, fear will be still unmanageable :(
I don't know what to next. I hate myself, because it hurt not only me but also other people. I don't want doing this but i can't...
@straightforwardLychee3280
Hi friend and very welcome to 7Cup.
Maybe you find a listener to talk to here. You can also have a therapeut if you want to. Or you can go to sharing circle, to listen or to share.
With much love from Helga (living in Norway, also Europe!)
@straightforwardLychee3280 Hi, looks like this accidentally got posted twice, I deleted a duplicate. I did want to let you know too, I did read your post, there's a lot there to process.
@Helgafy
sharing room it was probably first thing which i doing after register account. Yours community is really comfortable, non-repulsive and simply cool but unfortunately, i think feel lonely and misunderstood in my issue. Like eg. the statement "relationships is good" makes as much sense as saying "spiders are good" for to a person suffering from arachnophobia. Maybe I'll try other methods.
@AffyAvo
thanks, I wrote this using yours mobile app for the first time and something jammed.
> there's a lot there to process.
a euphemistic term for a hopeless case, eh? Sorry, either i fell into depression or I am very close to it (eg. for the first time in my life I started sleeping too much) because I have 3 main values in life which shaped my personality and thus never had a classical symptom of depression like loss of interests.
@straightforwardLychee3280 I don't know about hopeless, but I didn't really know what to say beyond acknowledging I read it. I do hope you find others who support you and maybe even find some people who have been through something similar and things are now looking up for them.
@straightforwardLychee3280
Friend.
I think your issues could be treated. Why don't you try a therapist. I'm not a therapist, but from your writing it seems like you both have fear of abandonment and are fearful-avoidant attachment style (all your words). Maybe you have experienced something that make you feel like this.
All the best from Helga.
@Helgafy
finally i found how to do it without psychotherapy (almost)
https://dacemars.com/best-attachment-books/
The books are not intellectually difficult to read, but while reading, I met with a powerful grief, which according to these books are ok because it is the way to treatment.
Why not psychotherapy?
1. The condition of psychiatric care is very poor. The main problems faced by psychiatric care were the insufficient level of funding, the staff deficit, the lack of coordination of activities, as well as large restrictions and territorial inequalities in access to services. Among the EU countries, we are in the last place when it comes to the ratio (9.2) of psychiatrists per 100 thousand. residents. According to the data of the Supreme Medical Chamber at the end of February 2021, there are currently 4,347 specialists in the field of psychiatry and 482 psychiatrists of developmental age in Poland. According to the NIK report, there is also a shortage of psychologists specializing in working with children and adolescents: even 44 percent of them are missing in schools. in general, psychology and psychiatry in Poland are almost non-existent.
1.1. In addition, there are stereotypes, prejudices and low social awareness of mental illness, as well as stigmatization, discrimination and exclusion of people who need support, help or treatment due to mental health disorders. The latter phenomenon is the reason why some of the problems of psychiatric care are not disclosed. For example, Poland requires a referral, which in itself can be humiliating, especially if you don't get one, because the cr**py receptionist knows if you need it better than you do.
2. The problem with private care, in turn, is choosing a specialist and potentially wasting time and money on the wrong one. If it's a psychological problem and not a psychiatric one, why you should pay for it?
also i found good listener outside 7cups.
Thank yall for all attention and support. I will hope come back after healing.
@straightforwardLychee3280
Very nice Poland-person. (I have been to Warszawa! - and now you're helping very many refugees from Ukraina!).
What you're writing in 1.1 is sad. Many here in sharing circle are from India. They have the same problems there with accepting mental illness.
All the best for you - person from Europe!
Helga.
