...See more
Hello, ESL from poland here and it's my sad part of life.
When i doing research first i though it's was gynophobia since 10 years of age, in which there was a partial remission during junior high school come back to secondary school, currently again partial remission (kind of).
What does mean partial? I did not run away from everyone, but only those who made such offers to me, relationship or just they asked directly if i like them (in context sexually, English sucks here, due to lack T-V distinction)
So i survived all education, in which the only "achievement" was where girl literally forced hug to me. Now i have 24 years old and practically i don't have any experience in this aspect of life. Meh, Incels/Xpills they complain about the lack partners meanwhile i had completely opposite. Anyway they are toxic, in my youth I agree for some of their things because eg. redpill handbook literally promote the core FA wounds - no trust, and expecting it to be broken or worse, betrayed. What can I say, such a life is technically possible but in my opinion the suffering is not worth it.
I have had few IRL friends, once was so high that one point he had an aggressor and broke off the relationship, second in some sense betrayed me, he urged me to stealing. Currently I have no one, except internet friends, which I sometimes meet in real life, but due to health and security (i live in polish equivalent of detroit) reasons, it's very rarely.
Coming back, normally, when someone want to be a buddy or friend i don't mind, but when someone expects more, i break contact almost immediately. This led to style pathology like the girl in the class literally confess love and me? I just avoid for 3 F* years. I'd rather not imagine what a person who had to see a person like me had to go through every day. It had to be so cruel... inb4 you could have proposed to we be friends. Ach, if it were that simple...
Why it's complicated? Because as i noticed, crossing the red line means there is no turning back. I chat with other girl on IRC where we talk since about 1 year as buddies, later moved to DM where i opened more, for the first time in my life i confided in my problem to someone, she generally understood but well, for some reason, she has chosen play with my anxiety and began flirting for me (for fun, because she has a boyfriend) effect?
2 mental breakdowns
vomit
escape on 24 hours (deactivated mechanism)
borderline attack for 2 weeks interwoven via s***ci*al thoughts
fear of abandonment all the time (so OCD)
About the moment when i confessed to (in relation to the past, but still) s***ci*al thoughts, she stopped replying. And so I found 7cups. And no, i don't want k*ll myself, and no, I'm not going to. At present my condition is stable. Here:
https://youtu.be/1fnmR0MkppU?t=235
is explained perfectly what exactly i thought.
And at about this point I already discovered that it wasn't gynophobia but fearful-avoidant attachment style.
The scientific literature is also full of studies in which many mental disorders is correlated have been proven and i was in a shocked how many of them fit me too, and i didn't realize it.
BPD
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2468749922000096
OCD
https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.2044-8341.2011.02028.x
Depersonalization
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2468749922000096
Alexithymia
https://journals.lww.com/jonmd/Fulltext/2001/05000/Alexithymia_and_Attachment_Representation_in.7.aspx
perfectionism
Probably depression
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002239562200019X
Especially borderline really hit me because in each other aspect of my life i'm always emotionally stable, like rock.
fortunately, there is no correlation with psychosis, what i feared the most - because I was unable to find any professional help, who understands this rare condition - depending on the source, it is estimated that 2-7% of the population suffer from it (but these sources are uncertain so I do not recommend taking my word for it here).
And currently i stuck to healing, because maybe I read and understand more and more about it (in particular thanks to this YouTube channel above) but i don't have "exercise material" at the moment, euphemistically speaking and i still feel that when i confronted again, fear will be still unmanageable :(
I don't know what to next. I hate myself, because it hurt not only me but also other people. I don't want doing this but i can't...
