Learning to move forwards after immense difficulties
This may be kind of long, so I hope you bear with me, but I would appreciate anyone who has any advice on how I can help myself get through this.
My boyfriend and I have had a very special relationship from the beginning. I first met him when I was 15 and had the biggest crush on him, but he was slightly older, and it wasn’t reciprocated. I finished high school, and eventually when I came home for summer during college, we met again. We became incredibly close friends very quickly- everything was easy and we had a lot of love for each other. We were very attracted to each other and began dating.
We had a really good relationship for the most part. We were pretty much inseparable, still had our own friends / hobbies, but just loved being together even if we each did our own thing. My family accepted him as their own, and being that his home life isn’t great, it was even more meaningful to him. He came to all my competitions, would help me with anything and everything, and I did the same for him. We shared the same values, etc, and knew that one day we would get married. We joked about it when we were friends first. We love each other.
Our relationship began to fall apart in January. Our biggest downfall was he struggles to communicate and express his feelings, and I can be argumentative and defensive. I really don’t mean to, but I am a strong personality. I became incredibly depressed, and I took things out on him. He felt like he couldn’t come to me with how he felt, so our relationship started to spiral downwards. Additionally, he was also struggling with his mental health, with his job, with his family life, and his mom was diagnosed with cancer. It became very unhealthy, I was very insecure, and I was hurting him as a result.
We broke up for about two weeks, and it was very hard on me. I lost over 10 pounds, wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating, and was incredibly depressed and anxious. I began journaling about all the things I wanted to fix and ways I could be better, if I was given a second chance.
Eventually, we came back together. He said it was incredibly hard for him as well. He felt like I didn’t love him, and my argumentativeness, defensiveness, and pushing him away really hurt him, especially with everything else going on. During those two weeks though, he didn’t handle his emotions well. He was also not sleeping or eating, but he was also staying out until 2 in the morning. He was drinking every day, was drunk every night, and he saw another girl. They kissed, but didn’t sleep together or go over each other’s house or anything. He says that he was struggling and just wanted attention to try and feel better, that it wasn’t true attraction or feelings, that he thought about me, and only wanted to be with me. He was also emotional during that time, which he never is. He has since cut her off. He is now sober, now in therapy, and investing a lot of time / energy into his own mental health. It’s been about 2 months since this, and everyday he has really shown he is serious about getting better. He has also continued to show emotion, even cried during our deeper talks, which is a big deal for him, as it is so hard for him to express his feelings.
We often talk about ways we can better our relationship and each other. We know we want to be together. We love each other and want a strong, healthy, happy relationship, and we are both willing to put in the effort (I am also in therapy, investing in myself, etc).
However, I am really struggling with him seeing that girl. It really hurts my feelings. I feel very silly for feeling this way, but I cannot move past this. I want to move past it, and I know I need to in order to move forwards with him. But it’s hard. Therapy is helpful but hasn’t fixed it, and the same goes for journaling, talking through it, etc. I’m incredibly anxious and depressed right now, and I feel this is a big contributing factor.
What advice do you have for me to understand that he wants to be with me, and she was not a reflection of what he wanted, but how bad he was feeling?
@lightSea47
Hi, there. I read your post, and I believe you answered it and gave yourself the best advice! When two imperfect people are together, imperfect things happen. Who is perfect? Nobody in today's world is perfect, right? You wrote of mistakes that you made and mistakes that he has made. It sounds like he has forgiven you for yours, so forgiving him for his seems like the next step. When pain is hard to let go of, think about why, exactly, you are hanging onto it. Sometimes past experiences shape us. Is there anything you can reflect on from that angle? I don't think any stranger on the internet can know, but I wish you well!
I just really don’t know if I can get past it. I feel like there’s no way you can love someone and do that…
@lightSea47 Trying to establish trust after things like this happen can definitely be a huge challenge.
Therapy can take time and is certainly better than reflections from people like me, as I can really only share that I feel your pain. Digging into why you cannot let go is potentially deep, right? Because the pain is a struggle. I can only offer that when I feel really anxious or depressed I try to find other positive activities to occupy my brain. Time is often the best healer. Finding snippets of joy in the middle of a bad day can feel really good.
I truly am unsure if I’m capable of such forgiveness. I feel so betrayed. I feel like he cheated
I hear you. What options do you have beyond processing the pain? This is why these sorts of things do break relationships apart. You may need to make a choice and could let them know you need the time. Only you can choose your path.
@lightSea47
Personally, I wouldn't consider someone who'd be in the mood to see other people merely two weeks after a longterm realtion "ends" capable of loving in the way I'd want to be loved and love; there's an unbreachable gap there that I wouldn't be willing to try to mend, nor do I really think one could ever truly mend it.
We’ve had many long talks, in which he expresses he genuinely did not think I loved him at that time because of the way I took my depression out on him. So he turned to alcohol, which he knew as an option to numb the pain. He is now sober. Now I think it has less to do with her and more with how he was feeling.
@lightSea47 If you can't trust him that he wouldn't do that again then that would be significant and I probably wouldn't seek him out. However, there are couples who have been together for decades and actually cheat for less reasons. Maybe evaluate your own standards, is it jealousy or something else? I've been single for over 20 years and have felt like I always tried to date, so take what you can work with if you have it and if you know what's true with him.
There are some who understand relationships and marriage are institutionalized for religion, so maybe it's the common expectancy based on the stories you've heard from others that a partner would not bounce that quickly? Be a friend at first if you have to, and promote both of you going to seek help, focus on that, utilizing baby steps I think would be good.
@lightSea47 I should have also mentioned apart from seeking help like on here or a therapist. Physically do something, talk to people, go walk, keep busy. This is what works for me, because I realized I was still stuck thinking about someone when I needed to stop. After completing certain tasks I was able to put them in the fog, and begin forgetting, and getting something done made me feel better about myself too!
