How would you go about dealing with this?
Hey all, feeling kind of bogged down by something and thought someone else might offer some perspective
I've a good friend I've known for a long time - like 20 years or something. We've always been on good terms, but since a few months ago we decided to write music together & have fun jamming together, like start a musical project. However since then - I almost regret saying yes to this because I feel like things aren't vibing well.
Basically, every since we started I feel like I'm not much in control. In the beginning we wrote some songs together & I played around with some material he wrote - I thought we were writing songs together but when I sent it to him he initially appeared excited and then just kind of dropped the whole thing. I had put some effort into the songs (also consisting of his riffs he wrote) but we didn't really talk about it afterwards and I feel that sucks because I spent quite a bit and he seemed to not want to go through with them.
It's been a couple of months since but I feel like worse and worse on having started writing music with him. We had been in a band 10 years ago - I felt similarly frustrated then. A couple of months in all of the material I had written kind of got pushed aside because he felt it didn't fit the style of the band (which I thought was hurtful, wasn't I part of the band?) and we ended up with 9 songs with onl 1 from me while i had written a lot more.
I feel the same thing is repeating now. It's come to the point that I don't even WANT to talk about anything related to music with him becauseI just instantly get frustrated because I feel disregarded. I've avoided him for about a week on whatsapp (he prob knows something is up). I feel it's come to a point where I can't just disregard it anymore because I'm just so sick and don't even WANT to talk about music or projects even though he is terribly excited. I know I have issues with avoidance & stating my feelings and in retrospect wish I'd said something sooner because now I just feel like totally frustrated even doing anything related to music with him.
Sorry for the blogstyle post lol. I'm meeting him tomorrow and will prob want to talk about it but not sure how. I really like him of couse still as a friend & love to talk about other stuff but whenever with him nowadays all he wants to talk about is music (like, LITERALLY all the time) and I'm just not having fun anymore since I'm not as excited as he is. So yeah, if you made it this far, props to you lol. I just want to deal with this the right way because in the past I've literally BLOWN up after carrying feelings around vs another person which ended horribly & wish not to repeat that (don't think it will, but all the same)...
Any thoughts appreciated
@KittyKeats
Its normal to feel jealous and frustrated when we start losing control and when it seems someone getting credit for our efforts. Your feelings are valid and I get how stressful it must be for you weighing on you all this time , happy you found this space to let out. ❤
How did the meet go?
Did you try to tell him how you've been feeling? Maybe you can discuss some professional boundaries and ensure each get their say and feel valued?
@Optimisticempath
Thank you for the reply! I did meet with him, the conversation was a bit awkward but at least I brought it up. I still notice it doesn't really feel comfortable, even when we're apping or whatever it feels a bit more forced, but I'm going to try and work it out. I also talked with my therapist about it today and I'm thinking this is something I need to work on to learn to express myself somehow. Even if I'm not quite sure in which way.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, really appreciate it :-)
@KittyKeats
Well, update. Things were fine for a while and I let things sleep but 2 weeks ago I decided to be pro-active and have a real conversation with him about what was bugging me. I told him about the things that got to me and also why I sort of broke contact with him about the project and he seemed surprised but okay with him.
It's now a few weeks later and I don't know what happened exactly but I feel like I'm kind of losing contact with him. I proposed to get together after last time we hung out (we watch a tv series just general dumb stuff) and he seemed stand-off ish. I asked him once whether he wanted to do something and he said "cool" but then didn't really follow-up which made me all paranoid. Last weekend all my friends got togeter and I wasn't there and he didn't check up on me how I think he normally would. I know this all sounds terribly dependent and I'm not sure why I'm going about things in this way but I feel hurt somehow that he's not really contacting me or checking up with me. I don't know why this upsets me as much as it does (in the past he's done similar stuff where he has other interests and I see him less) but it does. I range between being angry and wanting to contact him being angry and feeling like that probably won't solve much. But I feel this distance forming and it scares me since I've never felt that before (last couple of months have been hard and I feel alienated in general)
Sorry just needed to vent 😔 I feel really isolated and noticing i'm even starting to feel unsure around my group of friends which I've known for so long and it really feels really bad. Everything feels very messy atm and hoping for things to change sometime soon in the future.
Another post... not sure if this solves anything but sometimes feel I just need to vent and this thread seems like good a place as any.
Been a few weeks since, still haven't heard much of my friend. (I feel like a petulant child at this point, talking about this where I'm not sure it even registers on his front). I reached out to him & talked to him on the phone after I feel I dropped the ball on not following up on him and he was like "yeah we should hang out" but I couldn't the day he proposed and since he went on a vacation following this I just let it rest. He's been back from vacation & I haven't heard from him since still. I would contact him but feel like last 4 times we've spoken/seen was on my account and any more I feel like I'm just inserting myself into the relationship all the time & I would feel more comfortable if he reached out to me.
Not sure why this is bugging me so. I really do feel like I'm not sure why this is getting to me so much & why I'm so very bothered when he's done similar things in the past. Perhaps because I just felt really alone last month & enjoyed whenever we would hang together in the past but seems his interests are elsewhere at the moment.
Just feel so bad in all this & hope can find a way to get over this. We've been friends for like 20 years (!) and I always thought of him like something not terribly unlike brother (though not quite) but even now all I feel is bad inside thinking about all of this. Hoping for things to fall into place because I feel so terrible & this was one of my last connections I always felt good with
@KittyKeats Hey Kitty, I hope you do not mind me replying as I don't know if you were just looking to vent. I had read your first post a while ago but then didn't respond to you, now I kind of was lurking in the community area and saw this title, which I didn't really remember reading.
I understand you are sad, but, in order not to fixate all your time or energy on this one person or situation, do you think it would help if you could find a way to make more connections, perhaps meet new people or reach out to other people? It just seems like this situation is hurting you, and I am wondering if it might be beneficial for you to focus your efforts elsewhere so that then you won't feel so let down just by this.
The relationship or friendship may or may not be over, but what really matters is how you feel about, and work on yourself to get some self-esteem back. I hope you do not mind me saying so, I am going through something myself, so it's almost like I am giving myself the same advice. I find that when I focus on the whys of other people, it doesn't really help me because I can't control what other people are doing or not doing, or how they feel or don't feel about me, or whether I can trust them or not. But, I digress, as I am talking about my personal situation now.
also p.s. I just reread your first post more thoroughly. To me it sounds like you got a lot of rejection from this person from the very start or at least that's what it seems like. It seems like a repeat of the same thing happening over 20 years ago. Maybe your personalities don't jive well, maybe it's time to let this one go and think more about yourself. I can understand why you would feel this way. You basically gave him another opportunity to work with you or be your friend, and he is repeating the same behavior he had with you before based on what you wrote here. That sounds frustrating, and like you are putting most of the effort into it. I can understand why you would not feel good about this. Maybe it would be best to forget about this person for a while unless they make more of an effort or reach out to you.
@reliableWest8997
Thank you for the reply. Read through both of them and you mention things that ring true.
Thing is, I feel like there've been a number of connections over the last year that ended really badly and I worry about not disposing my "personal" side on the situation. I don't really have a lot of connections left and I'd just hate to lose another one.
(Also sorry to hear about your breakup, hopefully you managed to deal with it in a meaningful way for you).
As for update on my situation: shortly after my last post he contacted me and was like "heeey let's hang out" but by then I already felt positively bad about the whole thing. We met up still a couple of times to hang but right now I'm just noticing that even though he dm's me sometimes I just don't even want to talk to him cuz I feel terrible and whole situation sucks to me. So now I just don't really feel comfortable doing much but tbh it sucks because like I mentioned he was like fee connections I still had.
Not sure what this is adding but just felt need to share (in general but since you posted I thought I'd put it in a reply though not directed at you). Like my life feels such a mess and I really want to make sense of this in a constructive way instead leaving another relationship in ruins. I might be able to get treatment with a psychotherapist soon so hope that will help.
@KittyKeats,
it happens that people drift apart. There is nothing wrong with that. I understand it hurts to feel that happening. Break up of any kind can be tough.
@dukeofdearham
Well, it feels like everyone here has already made up their mind that the friendship is over but me lol. I still would like to deal with this but having trouble given my current situation and other things going on.
Also, I had a talk with said friend on the phone like a month ago. I was so frustrated still which feels like it ended in me just venting and the whole convo felt really awkward. Told him we'd chill in the future but still feel hurt enough that I don't think much good can come from it the way I currently feel. He hasn't messaged me since (nor have I seen him talk much in another chat we share which is weird) and I haven't either so kind of just trailing which feels bad.
With a bit of luck I may start psychotherapy seen (I hope, noticing some bumps but hope they can be resolved) so would be really great for me to get something out of that to help deal with this whole thing. Would really like that anyhow.
