How to manage my past traumas with new people
I have been going to a psychologist for almost a year.
My doc has told me that I have deep problems of abandonment.
And I knew that, but having it confirmed has taught me that I have to try to be stronger than those old feelings and wounds that still hunt me very often.
But it's so incredibly difficult and exhausting.
I have a best friend, she is wonderful and I know that she cares about me.
She is not like the people in my past that hurt me.
That I'm very conscious about.
But every time something little happens (not even a really bad thing) I cannot stop obsessing about it and I start feeling worse and worse because I can't fix everything and I can't make sure she will be happy forever in order for her to not abandon me. (it's a mess, I know and I'm ashamed)
Right now I'm feeling terrible and anxious. And nothing bad has happened! She hasn't answered me in all day and that's odd, but thats also inside of what is normal.
I know that, but I'm still so scared and sad.
I know I have to be patient and tell myself that all will be ok, that I have to focus on things that make me happy until she decides to answer.
But I can't stop thinking about it, and about how much it hurts to feel so lonely.
And I know I shouldn't pester her about this, and wait and respect her times and boundaries, while I try to solve and learn how to manage myself better.
But in moments like right now, were my wounds reopen and all hurts and I feel so hearth broken, I just don't know what to do!
How am I supposed to be better about this?
How can I feel better so my current friendship feels more healthy?
And if I want to try to make new friends, how should I warn them about this problems I have? I don't think hiding this would do me good, but no one wants to be friends with someone so hurt and sensitive...
-sighs-
I apologize if this is not the right place to talk about this. But due to pandemia I lost my job and I can't go see my doc for now...
I'm not looking for a magical answer, but ideas and emphaty would mean a lot to me 😭♡
(it's my first post, sorry if anything goes wrong)
@Deadbug I am going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend of 2 months. I am afraid I am going to push him away as a result of it. He has given me no reason to not trust him, yet I always make it clear to him how hard it is for me to trust him because of my past. Trust issues, abandonment issues, PTSD....etc.
I wish I had the answers. Sometimes I get the worst sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I cry a lot, partly because I feel so pathetic for letting myself become this person. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth all the trouble of letting someone in my life that I grow to care about so much. It is so painful. Does the joy really outweigh the pain?
@Ihave4cats oh I understand all those feelings! I feel the same things, it's so hard!
The people near us can do everything perfect and have no fault of anything, but the pain still comes back. And we don't even know why!
And that creates the thought that the people around us will get tired and eventually leave and all that only makes it worse!
And I understand your question "does the joy overweight the pain?"
I personally try to cling to hopes and believe that if I control myself, I will reach a moment were I will feel happy again, a moment were I will have the other person happily by my side.
But when i work so hard to reach that moment and things go wrong, for any reason, it's just devastating.
Some people might say that it's how it's, that it's normal and we should just keep going.
But it hurts so much and it's so draining.
And if it hurts so much when nothing bad is happening, I am really really scared of how It will feel when something bad truly happens...
I'm truly sorry that you have to feel these things too. But I'm grateful that wrote here. Thank you so much for letting me know that I'm not alone with these kind of things. I wish everything goes well for you, and I hope you find the answer that helps your heart grow stronger 😢🤧🍀
@Deadbug you don't need to warn anybody. i hate people in this world. your abandonment problem isn't anything you need to get fixed. don't buy into the bullshit other people have projected onto you. just let them leave, it's honestly simpler. if people make you feel insecure they're probably shit, to be honest. but if you really want them in your life, evaluate what they actually add to it.
@dworth257 I understand what you mean, I hate humanity a lot from time to time.
But I also think that sometimes, good people cross your path, and they are honestly clueless about feelings and issues like mine. And being able to explain it a little bit can help a lot.
Some people just need to learn and take a moment to think, and they will stop behaving like "big pieces of shit" towards oneself. And of course I know that real bad people exist and those will never change. Those have to be discarded immediately.
So I wonder, how to warn and teach the people that is worth it?
In my case, my friend is absolutely worth the effort, I'm very lucky and she has given me things no one else has. That's why in moments were in feelings so bad, I'm reminded that I have to work on being better, somehow 🤔 because the wound is mine and it's like I keep it open, even if I don't want to.
@Deadbug only be concerned about her time and boundaries if she respected yours.
@Deadbug if she didn't? forget her. she's not important to your life.
@Deadbug sorry to be so blunt, but I know so many people who talk out their ass about boundaries but don't respect mine
@dworth257 oh, no worries, I understand were you are coming from.
Thank you for giving me your opinion and point of view!
Some people make it hard to remember that we are all learning and growing. And worse is the people that actually just tries to hurt others.
I'm very sorry that you have meet people that has not respected you properly. That can hurt so much 😢
And im really grateful that you answered in such a blunt and honest way. I truly appreciate it! ♡
