Family matters
I've been divorced 10 years, after dating a few, I finally met someone who is very compatible with me. He's 11 years older and we've been dating 2.5 years. We get along well but there are a few things I struggle with
1. I always wanted to re marry, hopefully to someone who I really loved and had a great relationship with. From the beginning, he told me he didn't want to remarry. At one point, I felt as if I was wasting my time since I knew what I wanted and he was against that. Right now I feel like I don't want to live with anyone as relationships are hard. He recently started talking about engagement but I feel that our relationship is no longer as strong as it used to.
2. He is very loving of his family, this includes his ex wife. They had 2 children and now have a granddaughter. They both get along well. He says he doesn't love her but get along because of the family. They still spend holidays together. She sits at the table for dinner and when she leaves he calls me to go over.
I do love our time together, our communication and love for each other. I'm just not sure if things will ever change.
@energeticWillow4306 its understandable that you dislike this arrangement where he sits with her at dinners and after she leaves you can come and be with him i think that is a very unusual arrangement and would make anyone feel like they are the second woman in that persons life or feel disrespected and wonder why the ex (and boyfriend) doesnt want you there during the times when they are together. I think most women would have a problem with someone who they are in a relationship with wanting to have special get togethers alone with their ex and not wanting you to be there. If you are wanting to eat with him first or stay with him at the same time that his ex is there wanting either of those things is completely valid and reasonable.
I try to be understanding of the fact that they have children, adults, together. Right now, I can't deal with that situation. Sound like I'm extra. I've distanced myself, he should be able to understand my concerns and he does not. We do not have, and will never have kids. I rather save my mental health and step away. Ultimately, it's his loss for wanting to stay stuck in a past that is obvious didn't work.
@energeticWillow4306 right if youve told him how you feel that you want to be there with him anytime hes with his ex and hes not allowing you to be with him and wants to be alone with her thats not something you have to tolerate but if you havent told him you want to be there from now on anytime he gets together with his family that is something to tell him to communicate what you need in the relationship
I'm not sure if I want to be there. I've heard she's a person who likes conflict, at this stage in my life I like peace. They can continue and I will step down. I think that he should have reinforced to her that I need to be included. If it didn't come out of his mouth then it means it doesn't matter. He wants it that way.
@energeticWillow4306 It sounds like maybe hes scared to make her upset if she is a person who likes conflict he could very well be someone who wants to avoid conflict and just does anything she wants so there might be some issues he needs to work on maybe go to therapy would help and when you do break up you can let him know why your breaking up with him so he realizes what hes doing is not something that a woman hes in a relationship with will tolerate it just sounds like hes stuck in a toxic relationship with his ex and you have every right to not want that in your life and want a healthy relationship with someone i hope you find that its what you deserve 👍
Thank you for the feedback, I've expressed my concerns to him for over 2 years. I always believe that what will be, will be no matter what. Right now, I've decíded to take a step back and leave it in God's hands.
@energeticWillow4306
Hi Energetic, a few years ago I was in the same postion as you. I felt how you feel - this isn't just frustration anymore, but true helplesness and hopelesness. There is nothing worse than feeling that the person you love most in life hasn't you as a priority.
I encourage you to define for yourself: what does need to happen in order for you to feel like this relationship is working? What is it exactly that you would like him to do about this issue?
After you have thought these questions through, maybe it would be a good idea taking the time to sit down and have a deep conversation with your guy about how you feel and what your expectations are and whether you can find a compromise.
I am rooting for you and your guy that your relationship will work out ❤️
Hi,
Thank you for your feedback. I took my first step and wrote my thoughts. This way I will remember when I have the opportunity to speak. I hope that your situation turned out ok.
@energeticWillow4306,
"She sits at the table for dinner and when she leaves he calls me to go over."
You mean she has dinner with him at his house?
Occasionally?
Every week?
@energeticWillow4306,
could it just be that he just want to be a good dad? Be there for the kids, trying to stay on good terms with his ex wife?
It's hard when you feel not or not totally acknowledged. But that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you.
Why would he propose to get engaged? Maybe he just needs time to get over doubts, to get over being cautious. Maybe he don't want to ever divorce again. Maybe he doesn't want to go through that pain again. Maybe somewhere he feels he failed and tries to make up byspending holidays with his wife and kids.
Maybe you two can reach out to a relationship therapist, to figure out where you both stand at.
Hi! Kids are 27 and 30.... both married I am also divorced, definitely understand not wanting to fail again. I respect the situation, does not mean that it's fair to me. I am the current situation, I should have my place. I thought about the relationship counselor but dealing with a person set in his ways might not be worth it. When you can't control the situation, sometimes it's just best to walk away.
@energeticWillow4306,
I understand.
Counseling could help though to create mutual understanding. Sometimes we get so stuck in our own perceptions, or in a pattern, situation that we cannot tell the forest from the trees.
A specialized outsider might be able to create mutual understanding clarity on both sides.
I will put that on the table, see where this leads. One thing is clear, when there is love, everything else is possible.
@energeticWillow4306,
In itself that is true. Sometimes a deep mutual genuine love is not enough. It also requires two people who are grounded.