Where Intimacy Dies
I think I'm broken.
I caught my husband cheating on me on Easter this year. It was absolutely devastating. Made worse by him saying he was never going to tell me. And that it had gone on for over 2 years of our less than 5 years of marriage at the time.
Now he complains that I am not physically affectionate. I dont feel like I can be...with anyone. I cant even be physically affectionate with myself. I dont think I can even feel anything at all. It has just been getting worse.
But this seems to be where intimacy dies. Intimacy with myself. With my husband. With anyone. This horrible broken place of numb nothingness.
I dont think just my trust was shattered...I think I was shattered. What can I do? I feel so dead inside.
@ArtemisElf, you have the right to be broken because your husband (are you still married to him?) not only shattered your marriage, he shattered your heart. That maybe the reason why you can't feel anything.
If I ever have to go through something like this, I would like for someone to remind me, that it's okay to be this way, that there is hope and healing over time, to keep choosing forgiveness over and over again, to learn to love myself again.
I may have to go through a different trial in my life that would shatter me. I hope that I'd find those who have gone through the fire to help me go through mine.
@friendlySkies6250
Yes, we are still married but it feels like it is tettering on the edge. He says he needs physical affection. That that is his love language. But I feel so empty. How could I give that to him? I dont know that I can...I cant even feel good about me, let alone anyone else.
@ArtemisElf
It's good to hear from you again, @ArtemisElf :-) It's great that he wants to begin healing the broken marriage as it seems; however your heart may need more time to heal.
What is the love language that you'd like to receive? If you don't know anymore, explore different types of love languages with him ;-)
What love language do you prefer to give to others? It might feel like work to affectionately touch your husband, but if he's willing to work with you, then work with him or make it into a fun game of butt tag lol or something. Lol
It'll take time and work, but I'm here with you.
@ArtemisElf- my heart goes out to you. Have you considered couple's counseling- and if he does not agree to it- at least counseling for yourself. Has he ended his affair? Did he even show any remorse or regret for the affair? What steps has he taken to heal your heart and regain your trust? Have you weighed the benefits of staying together? Are you considering leaving the marriage? So many questions need to be asked- do you have children in this marriage that have been affected? Have you sought out any support prior to this to get through this phase of your life- it sounds like a miserable 8 months if you have not.
I can't imagine his request for physical intimacy unless there has been an effort for restoring trust in your marriage.
Again, I wish you the best - it is brave of you to put your situation out here on 7 cups. There are many listeners who may be able to start your healing journey. Be aware- each is an individual with varied life experience- you might browse listeners and test the waters to find a fit. Also listeners are not professionals and it is the 7 cups standard to not give advice.
@barncat
This gives me a lot to reflect on. There is so much that hurts. We have kids but we hid this from them. And when it comes to his need for intimacy, it feels like that has more value than mental health. He feels hurt and rejected for lack of sex. I feel hurt and rejected by my security and trust being torn away from me, my self worth being decimated, my sense of family being crushed into dust, everything that was true is revealed to be a lie.
Sex is not as important as my mental health. I need to feel something besides hurt. I dont know what the future of my marriage looks like. I want it to survive but not at my expense. You know?
There is just so much problematic because I probably have ptsd from his affair and he still wants sex to fix it when sex is what broke it.
@ArtemisElf
I went through all of your posts, you talk so much sense. He is being insensitive & selfish/childish. Only you can judge if he is genuinely sorry and is serious about making amends. If so, it is your decision if you want to give him a chance or not. If you choose to give him a chance, make it clear to him that you still need more space & time to feel intimiacy and to be ready for sex. You can also ask him to make more efforts to win your trust back. You might ask him to stop if some of his efforts start making you feel uncomfortable. His response to these suggestions and anything more that you can think of shall give you reasonably good idea as to in which direction your marriage is likely to head. Take your time, think, observe, and keep trying. It is not going to be easy. And you shall need constant assurance about your own worthiness, and it has to come from someone close whom you can trust. It could be your friend, sibling, or just anyone whom you trust and can rely upon. It seems to be a long road ahead towards getting normalcy back in your marriage but it is very much possible.
