TW: Rape victim looking for rough sex
I'm a middle aged married man with two near adult children. In '05 I lived through three months where I was confined with two men who raped me daily along with physical and mental abuse. I'm now trying to accept that I'm bisexual. My wife knows and supports me. I've had sex with men and I play the role as a (sissy bottom). I've since found a man that is Dom and supports my desire to be a sissy and talked down to. Our sex is alot like the rapes now he wants to urinate on me. My problem is how I feel afterwards. I feel like I deserve the abuse and the treatment he gives me. I don't feel like a real man. Before the sex I (want) the abuse....but after I feel like I'm even more worthless and hate myself even more. It's easy to say to stop the rough sex but I'm hooked on the things he does to me and makes me do. I feel like after the rapes I'm not a real man. It has gotten to the point where I wear women's underwear. Please be nice in your reply.......thank u
[MonBon added trigger warning]
Hi there @decisiveRaspberries7625
It sounds like you've a lot going on! It's nice to hear your wife supports you through this! Do you think this is something you could ever talk through with her at all? It seems you were abused and raped in the past, I can't imagine how that made you feel - that's really horrible I'm sorry you went through that. I notice you mentioned you don't feel like a real man, I'm wondering is this how you want to feel and if so what could you possibly do to feel more like a real man? I also notice you put that before things happen you feel like you want the abuse but after you feel more worthless? You said you're hooked by the things he does and struggle to say no - do you think there could be anything which might help to say no when you don't want it? It's not wrong to wear womens underwear if you feel that if the right thing to do but you should only do it if that is what you feel comfortable with. Expression is okay and that is what we are here to help with. I hear you're going through a lot but there are people here who would love to help. I'm here for you - please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. Take care, keep being amazing, keep being you. 
Bear