Relationship feels sexually dead
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t talk to my girlfriend about sex because she is never in the mood to even talk about it. I feel incredibly lost. I feel like my relationship might be salvageable but I don’t know what to do.
I just feel really sad and lost and also sexually frustrated. I hope I can find a way to reconnect with her and kindle more intimacy in our relationship because I can’t live like this forever 😕
Hi Eumesmo, perhaps you can work on other aspects of the relationship first, which can lead to more intimacy, which can leads to more sex.
I just was checking out a book called the couple’s activity book. Maybe this can be good for you too.
@walkalot
Thank you for the idea, I‘ll check that book out. I hear what you are saying. I think there are areas of our lives that are affecting our sex life in general. Like I think she is frustrated about a lot of things and that is affecting her desire, and I think that there are things on my end that are affecting my desire as well.
I can think of a lot of these things. I think it is things like frustration around chores and things like that. I think I should reflect on this. But I guess, for me, the main thing is that I want to at least talk to her about sex. I want to discuss it. If there are things that are getting in the way of her feeling sexual desire then I would like to talk about those things.
I’m gonna explore some of these things. Thank you for that perspective, it helps-
@eumesmo I totally get it. I would be frustrated too. But sex is sensitive subject. Best to Start with easier subjects and rebuild camaraderie.
Also, don’t feel discouraged. This happened to most couples at one point or another
@walkalot
Thank you. I definitely haven’t given up on our relationship. I think mostly I just need to tell her how I am feeling. Or at least discuss this in therapy and see what my therapist says and what advice he has for me.
It’s kind of wild because I am really stressed out and frustrated about this but my girlfriend doesn’t know how stressed out and frustrated I am. I think one of the first things I need to do is talk to her about sex.
I also agree with you that building rapport around other issues can help and I think that a lack of closeness and connection in general can put a damper on our sex life as a couple and make it hard to talk about sexual things, but I also don’t want to do non-sexual things in the hope that it will somehow pay off sexually, if that makes sense. Like I want to try to go straight to the point and actually discuss sex with her. I want to hear from her how she is feeling and what she thinks are the reasons that our sex life is not going well and what she wants.
I also want to read more about consent because I think sometimes I am not sure how best to ask for consent. I think sometimes I kind of push her a little to do things like just talk about sex and I think it annoys her. I feel like I have a lot to learn when it comes to understanding consent and I think that is an area of my life where I have to take the initiative and try to learn things myself and teach myself.
@eumesmo
women tend to be roundabout when it comes to sex. they don’t usually go straight to the point.
As for consent, I would say focus more on making her happy and loved. Then she will feel good about you and want it too. Then you don’t have to worry because consent is already built in.
@walkalot
I mean the issue for me is that I worry that she might not want it even if she feels happy and loved so I do want to be kind of direct about it. But of course I want to talk about it in a respectful way and be really considerate of her feelings.
I want to tell her that I am feeling sexually frustrated, and then see what she responds. In the past, when I have told her that I am not satisfied with our sex life, she has told me that she is frustrated because she wants us to talk more about marriage. She wants to get married to me and marriage is something that is really important to her in general. I have talked to her a little bit about this but we haven’t discussed it very much. I think I do want to get married to her but it really worries me that we haven’t addressed or resolved our sexual issues. I feel like if we were to get married without resolving our sexual issues than our sex life would probably be even worse after marriage.
I guess I want to start by just talking to her about sex and telling her that I am feeling frustrated and just want to talk to her about sex and ask her if there is a good time for her to talk about it or if there is a particular way that would be helpful for us to talk about it. I want to explore what her hesitation is in not wanting to talk about sex but I also don’t want to push her too hard. So I guess I am just feeling confused.
Eumesmo, I feel like she already kind of gave you an answer. Some people prefer to wait until marriage to have sex. She may be one of those but doesn’t want to say it directly. You’re thinking that marriage will kill your sex love but maybe she’s thinking the opposite. It could be time for your to actually talk about marriage with her. What would That look like for each of you. If she’s willing to talk about something, that’s the first step. Don’t just prioritize what you want to talk about and ignore what she wants to talk about
@walkalot
Well, she and I have actually had sex many times. And she sometimes brings it up, and says that she wants to have sex. But it’s complicated for me. I really think I need to talk about this a bit more in therapy.
But I think the main thing is that she doesn’t want to feel like I’m just using her for sex and she wants to know that I really care about her. And I do. It’s just complicated. I have thought about the idea of marriage with her but I think it would be a bad idea for us to get married without working out these sexual issues first, if that makes sense….
@eumesmo
yes
Good luck. Hope it’s works out
@walkalot
Thank you-
So sorry you are struggling with all this. I feel like you have some really good ideas and I agree trying to talk to her and express how you feel is important. As you have mentioned, it sounds like there are some areas in the relationship she may be unhappy with and want to work on to feel more up to having sex, like wanting you to help with chores or trying to connect emotionally more and express that you care verbally more, etc. I hope you can talk about those things more openly together.
I am a little concerned you mentioned not really understanding consent though...Consent just means asking verbally before sex or other intimate activities and she needs to say yes enthusiastically. It's very important for both of you to feel safe and check in with each other.
I wish you the best in working through all this and hope you can understand each other better soon.
I agree with Day Dreamer above that consent is pretty simple. It’s just asking if she agrees with what you want to do. If she doesn’t, then don’t do it.
You may feel it don’t understand consent if she never consents to have sex. Then you may feel that you must be saying something wrong or asking wrong. That’s not necessarily true, but it can be an indication that you need to work on the relationship as a whole before returning to the sex topic.
Did you talk abour her fantasies in sex?