Oh the joys of initiation. This is a long one.

Hi there.

I just turned 19 two days ago, female, and I live in Vancouver, BC where I go to an acting school. I'm originally from a very small town in Alberta, so I've been to bars before, but I've never been to a rowdy club on Granville Street where people do crazy things. I've never done a lot of crazy things, mostly due to my family being very protective and conservative and stuff. I can't even swear or anything. They have no clue what I really do at school. But the thing is, I went out with my friends to celebrate my 19th, and ended up making out with a guy and nearly having sex with him. I am a virgin, but I was a little drunk that night, even if I don't remember being drunk. My friends don't know what really went on between us. Let's just say that it was further than I have ever gone in my life. Believe me, I've never even kissed a boy until last September, and that doesn't even count as a real kiss. But I feel so regretful about what happened that night, even if I said "no" to going all the way, even if I really wanted to, mostly because I just wanted to get rid of my virginity card so I could play around more. For me, of all people, it is very strange to have me even make out with a guy. My friends were very worried when they didn't even know where I went (outside the club to grope in private), and they were shocked to see me frenching a dude.

And I wasn't even into him. I just wanted experience. Because I'm an actor. And because I was curious. And I wanted to practice my kissing skills because I had none. I'm not shocked that he stuck a couple fingers up my vag or licked my boobs, but I'm very surprised that I let him do it. My friends don't know he did that by the way, and I'm not sure I should tell them. Should I? I'm very strong willed when I'm in public, and I know how to say no. But I didn't. And I wanted to have sex with him. But I didn't even get a good look at him until later. And he is sooo not my type, and didn't really turn me on at all. And I traded numbers with him, but I don't want him to contact me, even if he already has. What do I say to him? "Sorry, I was tipsy that night and it means nothing."

Later that night, when I realized that it was getting a little too far, I asked my friends for help, and they went out for a smoke and I went with them, and then we went back in the club where he kept seeking me out and trying to get me alone. But I've realized that I have good friends that only want they best for me, and they did their best to fend him off, and it totally worked. They're the best people I could ask for in a squad. But they have no idea what went on. And I kind of want to tell them, but I'm sure they'd be a bit scandalized. The way they were looking at me when we were grinding on the dance floor could be described as disgusted. My friend Charles works as a bouncer there, so we got into the club for free (Woo Hoo!) and they were going to him for help on what to do about him. He was under the impression that I was so drunk I could hardly stand, but my other friends' boyfriend, who came to help look for me told me that I seemed completely sober to him when I got away and was talking to him. But Charles does tend to exaggerate things like that. He asked me later where "that douche" went, and I told him I didn't know, and he also said that he saw him kissing another girl when he couldn't get to me. Which doesn't really surprise me. I'm sure all he wanted was sex, and he kept coming back to find me because I was so close to giving him that before. But I didn't, because I was trying to think about how I would feel about it later. And I don't know even how I feel about the other things that we did because I've never done anything like that before. I'm so inexperienced. And I want to have sex, I really do, but I have no idea how it's going to happen, or when, or with who, or even if I should. I set my standards super low that night. I looked really good, I could have made out with any guy in that bar if I wanted to. He just bought me a drink, and I was like "yeah, free booze!" and then he planted one on me and I totally went with it. I didn't get a good look at him until wayyy later. Ugh I get so horny sometimes. Ugh. But it was kind of gross. I wasn't all that into him, and I got a little bored actually...kissing is weird.

Did I make a mistake with letting him do those small things? I totally defended myself that night, I saw no problem with it, even though everyone else did. Although I see their points. I told a couple friends that were teasing me yesterday and congratulating me in a way, that I felt a little regretful, and they told me not to. That I did what I wanted to do, and I didn't do anything crazy. They don't know. They don't know.... And I kind of agree with them. But one of my guy friends took a snapchat of me "looking into my lover's eyes" and put it on his story with the caption on "It's love" on it. Dick. I told him that was a dick move, but it was obvious that he didn't know he put it on snapchat until later the next day. He was quite drunk that night, and he does tend to forget a lot of things, and he said he was sorry at any rate. But now a lot of people know, and I don't like that. I have major trust issues, and I don't want people to know. And yet I do. He's not attractive. Why did I do it? I felt so dirty the next day. I even smoked to get rid of his mouth remnants, because apparantly that tasted better. I showered to get rid of him, and went commando because I didn't want to wear the same underwear, which was all I had at the moment. Oh god. I am a dispicable human being. But my guy friend understands. He is veeeeeery sexual, and he was noticing that I was contemplating my life later on that night when we went home. And I wanted to talk to him about it and cuddle with him, because I felt that he was actually up to listen to my problems that night, which never really happens. He mainly likes to talk instead of listen. I feel like he's the one person I know that will really understand what happened, but I couldn't talk because there were a lot of my other friends around. And I don't talk about my problems. I never do. Him and I have a love-hate relationship, and even though he wants me to talk to him about my problems, he hardly ever truly listens and tells me to shut up. We used to be way closer than that. And we grew apart, and now we're rebuilding our friendship. Should I talk to him about it? I have trust issues and I'm not sure if I trust him completely. I don't trust anyone completely. And it's not healthy to not talk, I know that. Even creating this thread is a huge step for me. I really need a therapist. But I don't know what to do or how to feel or how to work my way into having a sex life. Or even being open with my friends. I don't even know what this thread is about. Just coping with mixed feelings I suppose. I suppose... Sigh. Sigh, sigh, sigh.