I don't know what I am

@SuperWhoLock88 I don't think it's necessary to label ourselves while we explore who we are. The reasons for you to feel the way you do aren't imperative to understand right away either. Even if you never figure out why you are the way you are. I think it's important to be aware of what you want or don't want at any given time. You may realize your needs or wants may change. But accept who you are and try to find people who accept you as you are too. There is no pressure to know all life's answers now. One metaphor I thought of is that a kid doesn't understand physics or gravity but learns that falling hurts so he doesn't fall. Eventually he may learn about physics or he dous not. But it doesn't matter because falling still hurts. But one day he might move to the moon and falling doesn't hurt. So he adapts.

Also, about being repressed due to bad experiences... I've been there and tried to force myself into situations that I did not enjoy because I thought that was how I should be. But I hope that you can learn from my mistake and do what feels right to you, not what other people think you should do. In the end, putting myself through more painful experiences made it harder for me.

Hope this helps...

@SuperWhoLock88 Hello, I'm Janet. To be honest, I feel differently than you do, but equally can relate to some, so I hope this helps in some way, however small. There's so much pressure nd emphasis put on being in a relationship, the consensus being that, if you're not, there's something wrong with that person, not 'normal'. The problem lies with that viewpoint, not with the person who, for whatever reason, isn't in a sexual relationship. People, society tends to create all these categories in which to file people away. The way you see someone, as a painting, a sunset, it's beautiful and it is REALLY seeing a person beyond gender or aesthetics. It may not fit into any categories, but it holds more truth about what it means to be human, than any of that. Take everything away and people are souls, reflected everywhere, in each other, in nature, in art, poetry, everywhere around us. We are more than sex and type and who fancies who! From what you wrote, it's clear you've gone through so much. My own experience of having been through difficulties, although different, have left me feeling as though I was shattered into pieces and it's only now that I'm at a safe enough distance to start putting myself back together. I think sometimes, things happen, life happens, and the bruise is so deep it leaves you not having room for anyone else. It's time that is solely your own time, to reflect and think, to find out what you want. It's a path that sometimes needs to be taken completely alone. Maybe this is so, with you. Maybe not. Either way, it's your life, your own path. Give yourself time and patience to explore it. Your whole life stretches out in front of you, there's no rush for answers. Do things you enjoy, that make you happy and just see where life takes you, who and what it brings into your life, goes from your life, like waves. There's nothing wrong in choosing to be on your own or in simply wanting affection. Wishing you happiness on your journey 💗

@SuperWhoLock88

I found a definition that seems to fit

"Romantic Asexual. You're asexual, so you feel no sexual attraction to other people. However, you do feel such strong emotional connections to people that you love to cuddle, snuggle, hug, and maybe even speak a little baby-talk. You feel that sexual intercourse does not connect you to a person"

But in the end remember that labels are just a way of catagorizing people based on similarities. No two Asexuals are going to feel exactly the same. And really there is no need to even label yourself. But I understand how it can make you feel abnormal because you feel as if your sexuality is invalid because you can't put a name to it. It feels safer, you can give it a name, even meet other people who identify the same. Be a part of a community even.

And remember you're not weird. Maybe you aren't common or the social norm, but what's wrong with that? Being unique is a good thing. Only you can decide what your sexuality is. Don't let someone tell you otherwise. If you find a label that matches your sexuality very closely then go ahead and identify as that. Nobody but you can decide that for you. If it feels right, makes you feel valid, and eases your mind then why not?

I hope this helps and that you find what you're looking for.

@SuperWhoLock88 That person who told you that you're repressed sounds like a jerk!!

I love your idea of a painting or sunset. That sounds sooo nice. I don't think I'm asexual, but maybe sort of demisexual. Anyway your post gave me a lot of hope actually, because I think diverse ways of relating to others are so valuable. It sucks society makes sex into like a trophy we have to earn or something or like the "pinnacle" of connection. I think I also feel closer to people through conversation or just shared memories or something.

You are completly normal.

It is normal to be asexual even without abuse, but those who do get abused, especially sexually, go one of two ways most of the time, either they get hyper sexual or pretty much non sexual, both are completly normal reactions to abuse. it is of course a "shame" if your asexuality is because of the abuse but it is not something strange or abnormal, if you don't find any interest in sex, then don't have it, no one has any right to tell you how weird you are or how much you should at least try to have sex etc, it is your choise and if you don't want to then don't do it, you will regret if you try despite not wanting to.

And to explain attraction, I explained it this way to an asexual friend of mine, attraction is a chemical reaction in your brain to make you want to mate, the brain wants the immediate kick, the orgasm, and if you get pregnant by it then thats how nature goes to reproduce, the hormones the female will get from the pregnancy should make her want to keep and nurse the baby ad the circle starts again, tough what you are attracted to are very different for many reasons and the "survival of the fittest" means very different things depending on the enviroment, to take the stereotypical example of a heterosexual woman, maybe she will like a guy with muscles because it's in her genes that strenght = survival, another woman might like chubby guys cause in her genes it is chubby = survival etc. so how about gay people who can't reproduce? ( then i mean biological genders to make it simple ), in nature gay animal couples take care of orphaned babies, which will also secure the survival of the race, so I assume the same goes for humans. If we don't count insemination and yadda yadda all the fancy shnancy science we humans have given ourselves and just look at how mother earth intended it.

Well thats how I've understood it.