Discussing my struggle with pedophilia

Hello,

I am a human being. Unfortunately, I also happen to have been born with a serious condition. I am sexually attracted to children. This is beyond my control. I would never choose to be this way.

I came to 7 cups to share my story and to get support with overwhelming thoughts of depression and suicide. Often, there will be one or two individuals who get nasty toward me, rather than support me in my struggle. I will attempt to explain why you should not get nasty and why I am worthy of support, just like any other member here.

Just to admit that I have this sexual problem takes a truckload of courage and honesty to myself and others. I never have harmed a child and I am actively seeking professional help.

I first realized that I had an issue in March 2012. Nearly a year later, I finally got up the courage to talk to a social worker about it. I used a false name throughout the first few months of talking with her. She found out about the Sexual Behaviours Clinic at CAMH (http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/care_program_and_services/specialty_clinics/Pages/Sexual-Behaviours-Clinic.aspx), where I began talking to a specialist over phone, also refusing to give my real name initially.

Finally, it came to the point where I would need a referral to get any further treatment at the clinic. It was a horrible day, I went to a random walk-in clinic and told the doctor to sign the referral because I was 'addicted to porn', a lie that the specialist had instructed me to say so I could get referred without saying the real reason why I'd go to such a sexual clinic.

So it took over two years just to get help under my real name, and that should show you how tremendously hard it was to come forward and get help.

I think the main reason that some individuals get nasty or intolerant toward me is that they misunderstand the meaning of the word 'pedophile'. It is simply a word that means "sexually attracted to prepubescent children". But it does NOT mean that a person has actually committed a crime against a child. Nor does it mean that a person intends to hurt a child in the present or future.

I have not harmed a child. I do not want to ever do that. I feel disgusted at my own thoughts and fantasies, I don't approve of them at all. In fact, I would sooner die than to offend against a child. I do not have any children in my life, and I have taken steps to ensure that I don't become involved with children in any way.

Recently, I have told members of my extended family about my pedophila. Something that was very painful for myself to say, and for them to hear. We have come to an understanding that when I visit any of my relatives, my younger cousins aren't visiting at the same time, or are away when I'm there.

Having pedophilia has made my life hell. I have suicidal thoughts every day, almost as frequently as the pedophillic thoughts themselves. In that light, I come to 7 cups to vent my feelings and to receive support. I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and I spend most of my time in the depression chat room here. I don't come to talk about harming children or to discuss any of the details of what goes on in my mind. I simply want to relate to others how dreadfully bad I feel about my condition.

Further, I am getting help. I already said that I attend the Sexual Behaviours Clinic. I don't approve of my attraction to children and I have no hidden intentions to offend. I avoid children in my real life. I have taken a step that most other pedophiles have chosen not to do, which is to voluntarily receive a 'chemical castration' injection.

I was prescribed Lupron (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leuprorelin) in 2013 and continue to take it to this day, completely voluntarily. It has serious long-term health consequences, such as liver failure, kidney failure and a risk of osteoporosis. It is an ongoing worry of mine about what will happen to me in the future if I continue to take that injection.

All in all, I have a very tough life ahead of me. I need support as much as any other, and I would thank you for your understanding me as I continue to come here to talk about my life.