Discussing my struggle with pedophilia
Hello,
I am a human being. Unfortunately, I also happen to have been born with a serious condition. I am sexually attracted to children. This is beyond my control. I would never choose to be this way.
I came to 7 cups to share my story and to get support with overwhelming thoughts of depression and suicide. Often, there will be one or two individuals who get nasty toward me, rather than support me in my struggle. I will attempt to explain why you should not get nasty and why I am worthy of support, just like any other member here.
Just to admit that I have this sexual problem takes a truckload of courage and honesty to myself and others. I never have harmed a child and I am actively seeking professional help.
I first realized that I had an issue in March 2012. Nearly a year later, I finally got up the courage to talk to a social worker about it. I used a false name throughout the first few months of talking with her. She found out about the Sexual Behaviours Clinic at CAMH (http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/care_program_and_services/specialty_clinics/Pages/Sexual-Behaviours-Clinic.aspx), where I began talking to a specialist over phone, also refusing to give my real name initially.
Finally, it came to the point where I would need a referral to get any further treatment at the clinic. It was a horrible day, I went to a random walk-in clinic and told the doctor to sign the referral because I was 'addicted to porn', a lie that the specialist had instructed me to say so I could get referred without saying the real reason why I'd go to such a sexual clinic.
So it took over two years just to get help under my real name, and that should show you how tremendously hard it was to come forward and get help.
I think the main reason that some individuals get nasty or intolerant toward me is that they misunderstand the meaning of the word 'pedophile'. It is simply a word that means "sexually attracted to prepubescent children". But it does NOT mean that a person has actually committed a crime against a child. Nor does it mean that a person intends to hurt a child in the present or future.
I have not harmed a child. I do not want to ever do that. I feel disgusted at my own thoughts and fantasies, I don't approve of them at all. In fact, I would sooner die than to offend against a child. I do not have any children in my life, and I have taken steps to ensure that I don't become involved with children in any way.
Recently, I have told members of my extended family about my pedophila. Something that was very painful for myself to say, and for them to hear. We have come to an understanding that when I visit any of my relatives, my younger cousins aren't visiting at the same time, or are away when I'm there.
Having pedophilia has made my life hell. I have suicidal thoughts every day, almost as frequently as the pedophillic thoughts themselves. In that light, I come to 7 cups to vent my feelings and to receive support. I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and I spend most of my time in the depression chat room here. I don't come to talk about harming children or to discuss any of the details of what goes on in my mind. I simply want to relate to others how dreadfully bad I feel about my condition.
Further, I am getting help. I already said that I attend the Sexual Behaviours Clinic. I don't approve of my attraction to children and I have no hidden intentions to offend. I avoid children in my real life. I have taken a step that most other pedophiles have chosen not to do, which is to voluntarily receive a 'chemical castration' injection.
I was prescribed Lupron (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leuprorelin) in 2013 and continue to take it to this day, completely voluntarily. It has serious long-term health consequences, such as liver failure, kidney failure and a risk of osteoporosis. It is an ongoing worry of mine about what will happen to me in the future if I continue to take that injection.
All in all, I have a very tough life ahead of me. I need support as much as any other, and I would thank you for your understanding me as I continue to come here to talk about my life.
It sounds to me as if you are doing everything you can to take steps to avoid a serious action which is the best thing you can do for yourself and the ones around you. Being able to recognize this challenge is the first step and you are already on your way to working through your problems without having to resort to something as terrible as killing yourself.
People are going to judge unfortunately, but hopefully you can find people who understand your plight and take it as a serious disorder rather than a wanton fetish you crave.
I rarely come across you in the chat rooms, but I fully support your choice to be there, with the rules applying to those interacting with you just as they do to anyone else.
There's almost a stigma against the stigma that traditionally surrounded many topics. That does not yet apply to people with pedophilia, at least not from what I have seen. I have had nasty words thrown my way simply for pointing out that pedophile doesn't equate to child abuser.
I really believe that the lack of support and the hate that comes with dealing with this issue harms not only those with the problem, but also children. With more support, with less hate in discussing the need for help it prevents the need to hide, where people are more likely to cause harm.
On a more personal level @condemnedself I wish you were able to love yourself. We tell people they are not their condition all the time, that goes for pedophilia too. You're not just a pedophile, you're so much more than that.
Thank you for being brave, for getting help, for not choosing the selfish option. From what I have seen of you here, I see great potential for you to be helping others in the future.
I appreciate a lot how you deal with this and I think it shows good character and demands respect. I don't think you should be too down on yourself in that you are born this way or have developed these urges. I'm quite sure that sex is irrational.
Sex and love I think is "fake", not really fake but it's not about reality, the universe, but it's about the will of yourself, about what you want and getting that satisfied. We live in a chaotic universe devoid of meaning and sex is something in where we want to pretend to have order, sense and meaning. I don't think our personality is as much defined by our lusts or what we love but how we deal with it, trying to get it satisfied and remain virtuous. Having common sexual desires is easy in that regard but there's also not much to prove, I think, it's kind of easy. For you I think it's harder but you also have a chance to show excellence in virtue and be an admiration for other people.
@condemnedself
Thank for showing your truckloads of courage posting this I can only imagine the strength it took to even admit this to yourself never mind taking the amazingly brave step of finding professionals to help you.
Stigma and ignorance is rife where mental health is concerned and without amazing people like you showing an honest true picture that sadly won't change.
seriously the world needs more people like you to speak out and stamp on the misconceptions I for one applaud you and have the utmost respect. I wish you well with your journey
Dear @condemnedself
This has to be one of the bravest and most honest and straightforward posts I have seen here on 7 Cups. Thank you for finding the courage to speak out on behalf of yourself and perhaps also on behalf of many others in similar situations who are still struggling to find their own voices.
I sincerely hope you find the support you are seeking here on 7 Cups and I wish you all the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave and we thank you for your honesty. Your post also serves to education our community on this topic, which is helpful. I am glad you have found connection and support in our community.
@condemnedself
That is very brave of you. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through but I too have a issue that no one accepts. I have cheated several times. Im not proud of it.
I also have a suggestion that probably wont help but since im in the bdsm lifestyle DDLG came to mind. It may be worth concideration.
I am crying after reading your story. I really wish that things could be different, and that people could be more focused on helping those with pedophilia instead of the hatred that I've seen everywhere. You're a really brave person. Always remember that you're aren't worth less than anyone else because of pedophilia.
I wish I could help you, I am against pedophilia or anything that sexualize children and coming here and write this is difficult for me. But you seem like a person who genuily wants to get better and I hope you can. I hope those thoughts stop hunting you the way they do.
Unlike asenath i dont advice you to join the ddlg community. I feel like it might make your thoughts worse. It's not a way of coping with your problem. Please dont do it. There are pedophilies in that community that prey on young girls and since I feel you want to get better, it's not gonna help.
I really hope from my heart you can find a way to cope with your thoughts, suicide is never the answer.
My fiancé has told me about his