Who should I choose? (Vent)
I would 1st like to apologise for this being so long but at this point, I have no idea what to do anymore and would like advice and opinions other than mine.
For a backstory my bf of 1 and a half years, who we can call "A", and I have broken up. I broke up with him about 2 months ago due to him not prioritising the relationship and choosing his friends over me. He would often leave me and spend little to no time with me so he could go out with his friends and when we had disagreements that should have been discussed we would not prioritise fixing them. Also never listened to get rid of his female friends who had bad intent until he actually saw their bad motives towards our relationship and by then they would have already crossed the line. He usually always tried to be present in our disagreements and work things out after we got to understand each other in our relationship but near the end, he was just absent. It really bothered me when he once left an ongoing for 3 days that actually started off as a disagreement but escalated into an argument due to his absence.
So I broke up with him because I needed that one on one communication and not putting your friends 1st soo much.
After we broke up it was hard for me to let go to the extent that I kept checking his socials and every day I saw 1 new girl being added to his following which made me go into anxiety attacks and cry endlessly.
So to ease the pain I spoke to my ex one last time and we both made a pack that if we ever found someone new we would tell the other person and if not hopefully in the future we would get back together again as we still loved each other but he wasn't ready for a relationship. We stopped speaking and I blocked him on everything so I couldn't check.
On valentines day my good friend introduced me to his cousin who we can call "D" as we were all bored. We ended up texting and I vented about my ex a bit too much to him as I thought I was never gonna talk to him ever again. Fast forward a few days we are still talking and we end up running a marathon together and he is athletic so he came in the top 20 while I was walking the whole thing.
After the marathon, we hung out and played badminton together with my friend. Eventually, my friend left us alone and we had a deep and fluid conversation which was uncommon for me as I am extremely introverted.
After the day passed we kept talking but after a few days I ended up accidentally checking my ex's socials (which my friend deleted from my phone to help ease the pain) and I saw him with more girls and found out he went partying with this random girl and it crushed me. I fully forgot about D and even told him that I don't wanna talk to him for a while because my heart needed to heal. He said he understood. Later that day I saw D post a new girl on his status and I told myself I dodged a bullet.
2 days later we were texting on the group chat and he decided to message me. He asked me how I was and then we started back talking again. He even asked if it was okay if we kept talking and I agreed since I told myself that I can't be so stuck up on my ex.
Many times I warned him about the fact that I still deeply love my ex and I'm not ready for anything but the more we spoke to closer we got. Then we went with a few friends to watch a movie and near the end of the movie we were cuddling and my friend took pictures of us walking together looking happy. Which D posted online in a way that made me look like his love interest.
So now here comes the complicated and dumb part of the pack. I had to tell my ex to uphold my promise and when I unblocked him just to talk to him but before I even got a word out about it he said how much he wanted to talk to me and how he missed me soo much. How he was ready to be better for me etc.
My emotions for him immediately came flooding back but as I told him about D he cried a bit and felt sad that he messed up. Then we called all night. It was the best thing ever but then I had to tell D and D got a bit upset as expected.
A and I called the other night as well but this time we spoke about what was happening and we both cried to each other but mainly him crying and me being worried about him.
I kept being transparent to both of them saying that I can't be with either if I have feelings for the other and I understand if they choose to leave. Neither left and both kept making me overthink and have more anxiety attacks.
So I thought making a group chat for me to express how I felt would have helped but it only made D look immature as he went off on A while A was surprisingly calm the whole time.
I ended up choosing neither as a result of me being upset and overthinking too much which was affecting my sleep and health.
I kept talking to both as someone on here advised me to get to know both without the other knowing about it as that would make the other try more. So I did that and every time I called with D late at night he made it sexual.
I just wanted to get to know him and at night is when we both are free. Even though I don't fully oppose the sexual talk I feel as if he is building something with me more physically than emotionally. Which he has a history of doing as I heard of his past and a few weeks before he met me he was with a girl I didn't like from my childhood doing sexual acts even though he only knew her for less than a month. D and I know each other for more than a month now but idk if that's enough time. He keeps saying I'm different from the others but he could be lying.
Things with A haven't been amazing either because I find myself having trust issues with him when it comes it his female friends and his whereabouts.
Eventually, after a few days, I told them both that I still talk to the other since I didn't wanna keep lying and potentially hurt the other. I didn't tell them much and just left it there.
With A I feel more emotions but distrust. With D I feel the potential to be in love again but I don't know if that is realistic. Either way, I'm scared of what to choose because if I was in either of their positions I would be hurt.
I don't want to hurt them but the longer I string them along the more this will hurt.
Please give your opinions.
One thing is for sure - D is playing you. His behaviour on socials chasing girls all over *** is a huge red flag. When guys like that tell you “You’re different..” “You’re special” you RUN! He’s telling every girl this line and doesn’t care if only 2 out of 30 girls a month falls for it .. he doesn’t actually think any girl is special! You’re all just a game to him. IF he genuinely and sincerely respected you, he wouldn’t have kept trying to manipulate you and encourage sexual intimacy after you literally told him you’re still emotionally involved with your ex and you need time to heal. That tells you that he has ZERO actual concern about your emotional state, about you as a human being. He only engages in any intimate capacity because he knows sooner or later it’s going to get him what he wants with you because you’re vulnerable and he knows all the sweet things to say. Trust your instinct about D - when you said he’s pushing for something sexual rather than emotional, you couldn’t be more right!
And I am no one except a stranger on the Internet so I have no reason to persuade you one way or the other. I have no motivation to see you succeed with either person, or reject either person. The only thing I can do is call it exactly how I see it as you described it - and there’s no doubt in my mind that D is playing the game, and if you give him what he wants he will just use you as much as it’s convenient for him to do so and move on to the next girl the moment he’s bored.
As for A, I can’t predict how sincere he will be with his efforts if you gave him another chance. But I’m always skeptical of partners who in their nature are apathetic, indifferent and could not care less about their partners while IN their relationships; and then the moment their partners leave they beg and plead and suddenly think they will transform into better people! It almost never happens that way, that they actually develop the commitment and devotion and change their mentalities in the ways that it requires to actually sustain a healthy relationship! And it’s your time that is wasted. Your feelings that get invested and you’re the one more emotionally at risk since he’s the one that messed up.
I think you feel you are supposed to choose one of them because they’ are your options “right now”. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they are “RIGHT for YOU”. From almost everything you wrote about them so far I’m pretty sure they aren’t right for you and will both just end up disappointing you in their own ways.
But it’s not for anyone to tell you who is right for you, or who to date, or what to do here. Because sometimes dating the wrong people and making mistakes is exactly how we grow and learn sometimes, that’s where our decisions take us. We learn what love is sometimes by first realizing all the things that it’s not…
Wishing you all the best with your situation! I hope you find a love that is worthy of you!
CatsInTheCradle
I first would like to thank you sooo much for your reply. And you are probably right about both being wrong for me.
But sometimes I feel sooo bad because every time I would talk to D about A I felt as if he was guilt-tripping me by saying, "I'm used to being left so I'll be fine" and, "don't worry go be happy with him".
It got me extremely upset because he was not hearing me out being scared to go back to A due to me being afraid that he will do the same thing again to me that he did in the past.
A also called D immature for his actions and guilt-tripping which I fully understand but I feel as if A and I get eachother way more than D because I was with A for soo long.
My heart wants A sooo much but I don't know if I'm being unfair to D because he and I barely get enough time to know eachother. But then again he isn't doing the right things for me to get to know him. When we spoke about D's past relationships he said that they were all in his "player phase" and now he is ready to settle down and find "the one" which he hopes is me. But idk how true that is and I'm sceptical. I also am aware that he has manyyy female friends due to his sports club but I don't wanna be insecure and not trust other girls due to my past relationship with A.
I want to be able to heal from this all but at the end of the day the memories A and I had haunt me. I stopped doing and being around the people I used to have fun with because it all reminds me of him. A told me that I should keep doing the things I love and that he doesn't wanna hurt me any further because he loves me and he messed up. He wants to try to be better and sometimes I see the change in how he speaks. But is this change temporary?
How long do I have with him until he reverts. My heart tells me not to be so negative but my mind reminds me of how many times I tried with him just for him to choose his friends over me and not put my feelings 1st.
OK that guilt trip is really manipulative .. if you’re talking about your own issues and he flips it and makes it all about HIS own suffering, and wants you to feel guilty instead - doesn’t that just confirm to you that D is all about D?! That he actually isn’t interested in you as a person EXCEPT for the ways you can make HIM happier, the ways he wants you for himself, about his own alleged abandonment issues, and for him to leverage that is just despicable to me.
If he had a genuine desire to be with you, and respected you as a person it would be different. If he said “You know what - I really like you a lot. I get that you’re going through some personal issues, it’s a challenging time for you with your ex and you’re healing. But I like you a lot and want to explore a relationship with you. So honestly, because I have feelings for you - I can’t be the person that you talk to about your ex because of my own feelings. And I can’t pretend like my feelings aren’t there, or that I wouldn’t be happy about it if you chose me. Obviously I will support you in whatever decision you make, and I won’t pressure you but I do want to make you happy and hope you will choose me!”
That at least would be respectful and truthful while still acknowledging in a straightforward way that he has personal interest (his own desires and wants), but also an interest in your HAPPINESS and not just the ways it will be convenient for him sexually. Rather than what he is doing which is making it about GUILT (a negative reason for a relationship if there ever was one).
I think A did not treat you well in your relationship due to him not prioritizing you and giving you sufficient commitment; but at the very least I wouldn’t describe his behaviour as -manipulative- like D’s seems to be.
And as for how long before A reverts back - well that’s exactly it. That’s why you will be the one assuming the RISK if you give him a second chance. It will all depend on how committed he is to actually changing and improving the relationship.. It’s not something you can control for yourself; you will be relying on him to dedicate himself more and try harder. You could always just take it a few months at a time and see how things are progressing. If in a few months you feel nothing has changed just acknowledge that it didn’t work out despite your best efforts; and go your separate ways. I think when we have this monstrous expectation of ”forever” than we kind of magnify the weight of the relationship and the gravity of the outcome, including the possibility of failure, and so often that tremendous expectation just leads to stress and disappointment and is not really aligned with our actual relationship experience with people. So maybe just have more realistic expectations, but with clear boundaries for what you’re prepared to accept and not accept. Take things as they come and adapt your expectations to his behaviour, encourage him when he’s showing improvement, communicate and guide him when he’s not doing well, and know when to leave if its proving hopeless or he’s just not as committed as you need him to be.
CatsInTheCradle
