Strained Relationship with Parents
For the past several years my mother and I have had a strained relationship, and I would love to fix it, but I don't know how. When I was younger I used to be very close to my mother, and we would talk for hours at a time about my life. However, I have always felt uncomfortable with how involved she is in my life. She used to invite people over from school without my permission who I was in a fight with so that we could work it out. In middle school she invited half of my class over for a pool party without my permission, which incited many awkward conversations between me and classmates who wanted to know why they hadn't been invited to the party. In seventh grade, she became one of my class parents and became involved in resolving many of the big class conflicts. I used to have constant anxiety at home which affected my sleep, so in high school I went to boarding school and I only had that persistent anxiety when I went home on the weekends. I believe the thing that ultimately led to our strained relationship was (and is) my habit of suppressing emotions. I have a lot of pent up sadness around my relationship with my mom, which manifests itself into anger and frustration. I never confronted my mom about the sadness I feel around some of her actions, because it is incredibly uncomfortable for me to give up control of my emotions and show vulnerability. It has become so extreme that even sharing small details about my day to my mom makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know my mom wants a closer relationship, and feels disappointed that I push her away, but until I find a way to work through my sadness I don't think I can offer her a closer relationship. If anyone has suggestions for how to release my sadness or about my situation I would be incredibly grateful. I currently am talking to a therapist, and have been for the past year. I am sure my mom would be happy and open to talk with me about how I am feeling, and I would love to be able to as well, but I am currently not comfortable doing so. I run everyday and have tried meditating and just crying, but I think I need to be doing something else as well, because none of those things feel like they are making a difference. Please, if anything else has worked for anybody please them me know.
@redTree7626
Your mom stepped in and was taking control . i think she may have thought she was helping you. .. Your not wanting to share is understandable in case she decided for you what you should do etc. I know everyone thinks their mom or dad is overbearing but yours make me think mine was not as bad as i thought. So Thanks.
Does your therapist suggest the talk with your mom?
Bringing up the past actions she may conveniently not remember the same way as you. Go in with low expectations if you have them
I will tell you I did the deep talk and my mom never "remembered" this or that never took responsibility or reach a place where we could both be happy. I just wanted to know why? ......but she deflected so i never got what I wanted.
Years later my step father explained she was the way she was because i was so independent and she felt unneeded. It Helped in the moment he said it but was not a fix.
Did you ever talk or ask her NOT to get involved when in school? Are you an only child and if not did she also do to your siblings?
As a parent it is hard to not say something or wanting to step in ... i struggled with this and perhaps was too hands off at times... there is no handbook sure millions of parenting books all offering different advice but the truth is each child is different and one size fits all advice is not helpful IMO.
@toughTiger6481
My therapist has suggested talking to my mom when I feel comfortable, which hopefully I will soon. I have two older sisters who both have closer relationships to my mom than I do. However, my mom has never taken control of my sisters' lives quite as much as she has mine, and in many of the instances where she has made decisions for them they have already asked her to. I think similarly to your situation, I have always been more independent than my sisters, and my mom has expressed disappointment around this as she is a caretaker and likes to feel needed. I have asked her in the past to not get so involved in my life, but one of my weaknesses is confronting people, and so I have a habit of avoiding the issues in our relationship in order to prevent direct conflict. I am working with my therapist to get better at this, and I strongly believe that once I am ready to talk my mom will be more than happy to have the tough conversation with me. But in order to get to a place where I feel comfortable opening up I need to be able to work through all this built up sadness I have from many years of pushing it down. All of the solutions my therapist has come up with thus far (meditation, journaling, and running) have not worked for me, so if you have any other suggestions or things that have worked for you please share them. And thank you for sharing a little bit about your relationship with your mom, it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this experience.
@redTree7626
I wish i had great tricks for you... some of what happened defied explanation.
I too have siblings whom let her take control of them and they were not treated as I was. I was upset but did not find out until later she did things to them as well. I do not think any of us made her happy.
The one thing that did give me some peace...... is knowing she was not a happy person and did nothing to help herself she thought her control bought her loyalty but in the end ....when she was passing away they did not sit at her side ... I did ....
i spent time with others who visited the hospital and knew her differently as a person and found out who she was behind the mom curtain .... it helped me to let it go.