Recovery after Infidelity
Hey everyone so want to start with Trigger warning. This post will be discussing infidelity and I was the betraying spouse. Please don’t read any further unless you are okay with this topic.
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I betrayed my spouse of 18yrs. I engaged in an emotional affair with my best friend and had physical affairs with same sex partners. I caused us to have a dead bedroom and pushed my spouse away. I was discovered a year ago and we have been trying to reconcile since then. This has been really difficult for us both and I’m trying to step up and be the spouse I should have been the whole time but the past is still haunting us and I’m really worried we won’t be able to make it work. I’m trying to rebuild trust but my past transgressions are haunting me and making it really hard for partner to believe I have changed.
thanks for letting me get this out and any advice is greatly appreciated.
I would appreciate you for letting it out.
And this can be difficult as it could be hard to believe that if the person has really changed or not.
I am not blaming you at all just trying to look at the situation with another perspective.
You are also right at your point, but i guess this is something about trust which can only be earned not just telling. In your case this might take time and i think you should leave it up to them and prove yourself be action yo make them believe.
You might also had your reasons to do so. Dont let them haunt you, just accept, which you did. In this process you have to forgive yourself first. So try to do so and thn also analyse the situation from second perspective, then it might help to find a solution.
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Thanks @crimsonSea5594 I’ve been seeing a therapist and trying really hard to work on me so I can be the husband she deserves. I know it’s going to take a lot of time and consistency but I think the hardest thing is forgiving myself. I completely understand why she’s hurt and not wanting to trust me. I’d feel the same way had I been in her position. I’ve been doing my best to give her time and show her that I love her.
@FallenJedi79
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@FallenJedi79- your spouse is fortunate that you sound remourseful and want to rebuild the relationship. Have you considered couples counseling?? Trust is easily broken and takes time to repair. You may need to go above and beyond usual actions, words to show how important your marriage is to you. Lots of extra effort. Best of luck.
Hey @barncat we haven’t done couples counseling because insurance doesn’t cover it and we can’t afford it. But we are both in individual therapy which has helped us be better at communicating.
@FallenJedi79- good for you. Individual therapy is often able to dig out our past behaviors and responses. I just learned the "Five love languages" yesterday from counseling. OMG- wish I have heard about it years ago.
I second the idea of couples counseling. I don’t know if you both can get through this but I think couples counseling is absolutely necessary. Or do you at least have your own therapist? If not, why not?
@eumesmo like I told barncat we can’t afford it. But we do have our own therapist and I’ve been reading a lot of books on recovery some have helped some haven’t but I’m trying to do what I can.
The 5 love languages is very helpful with communicating, but I’ve noticed that my love language changes depending on which love language test I take lol. Makes it a little hard to let my wife know what mine is.
@FallenJedi79- that makes sense. And our love language depends on the day, mood, circumstances and many other outside factors.
I caught my wife cheating. We are still together. This isn't about whether you can trust your spouse, it's about whether your spouse is trustworthy. I wasted a lot of time, energy, and pain trying to figure out why she cheated on me. No explanation helped. Cheaters cheat for one reason, they are cheaters. Just like gamblers will gamble, drinkers will drink, smokers will smoke, and thieves will steal. That doesn't mean they can't change. That's on them, and you can't make them be faithful. The only thing a cheater can do is decide for themselves if they no longer want to be a cheater, then do whatever is necessary to be a faithful partner. You can never totally trust that your partner will not cheat again. However, you can still love them, and in time, trust that they are doing their absolute best not to hurt you again.
