Grief, boundaries and a New Relationship
First, thank you for anyone taking the time to read. I would love if you may be able to contribute your perspective, as I'm very confused about how to handle the situation.
I met a man about 3 months ago online. He was just coming out of a major depression after the death of his mother. When she passed he quit his job and spent 8 months pretty much just drinking and he lost some friends. At first I didn't understand why friends would leave in a time of need.... but now I think I might. I met him 1.5 years after her death and he still was drinking allot.
We talked all of the time, and we'd have some really good conversations for 5 and 6 hours at a time. Sometimes he'd get a little passive aggressive with me, and I'd call him out on it. He would apologize, and the things that really upset me, he still doesn't do to this day. He seems to have pretty high emotional intelligence for the most part. Something I really have to work on as I have an avoidance attachment style.
A month into it, his dad passed. The drinking and passive aggression got allot worse. It got to the point that I asked him not to call if he was drinking. I felt bad because I wanted to be there for him, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. He got it together on his attitude, but continued to drink and I didn't care that he as drunk when he called.
It's the holidays now. A few weeks ago he stopped calling as much. Our conversations were short, but the ones we had would end up in arguments. Of course he's always drinking. There are other problems too. Like making plans and then canceling often. I have allot to work around so I understand sometimes he can't make it.... but I feel like a sucker at this point.
This is hard. I don't want to not be there for him.... but I don't want to take punches either. How do I set boundaries? Am I an *** for even thinking I should? Am I being too hard on him? Not understanding enough? I'm also scared. It's only been 3 months. Is this grief coming out? Or the "real" him?
Thank you.
@8NeverForever8
First of all, I totally get why you would feel so conflicted in this situation. Setting boundaries is a really good idea, though it can sometimes be hard to figure out the "how" of that. Please consider that you are not responsible for the problems he is facing. Is anything "better" because you are in his life at this point? Being of support can be done outside a relationship if you are feeling like you want to continue to be a resource. Is he actively working to stop drinking? What is motivating you to stay in it, even though you state that he is not demonstrating a consistent level of commitment or kindness toward you? Thinking through what motivates you will hopefully give you some clarity. Take care of you. You seem like a very caring soul.
@8NeverForever8,
you are a very caring g soul.
Setting boundaries is making clear that you have needs to. And feelings. You could try something like "I feel hurt when you talk like that. I understand you are in pain. I feel like a punch ball right now and I won't allow you to treat me like one." And if necessary break of the talk in a friendly way like "I need some space right now".
Depression is hard, for the one who is depressed and the one closest to the one being depressed.
He is the only one who can make a change. Putting down boundaries is a great idea.
Be consistent. Whenever he crosses a line, let him know. And take time to care for you. It is his problem to deal with. You can be there for him but uppermost, be there for you first.
He might come out, or not. He might deal with his depression, or not. It might change him for good, for the better or for the worse.
Only time will tell, only he can make that call.
I survived depression. After using my wife as a punch ball. Believe me, that hurt, every single time. But you can't stop it until something happens inside.
My wife didn't use boundaries. She withdrew, found support. And she broke up, due to my behavior. She got, being a very caring soul and being very sensitive and a tough past, too much involved. Do not go there. Keep distance. You first. Boundaries. Self care.
