watching porn in relationship
me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship at the moment. most of the time he is very kind and caring towards me and putting in a lot of effort. he always has time for me and therefore he often has to adapt to me when im busy. he watches porn sometimes and has a lot of it saved on his phone. i personally dont like porn and im not comfortable with him having that on his phone, but i try to get over it for now since we are on distance. he also likes to look at anime girl fanart sometimes, like "sexy" half naked kind of stuff, and also saves that to his phone. this is also something i try to get over for now, but it is difficult for me. today we were talking about it, i was hoping that it would get less and eventually stop when we live together and get married, but now it turns out he does not necessarily plan on giving that up at all. He says why should i let you take one of the few things i have from me. I am quite shaken up about this information and i personally dont support this at all, i dont want my husband looking at other women's bodies in the future, especially not the father of my children having stuff like that in his phone gallery. i do love him though and he takes good care of me and i want to be with him. Can someone please advice me on this, it would be much appreciated.
God, where the *** are you from? I'm from India myself and in my country, it's illegal to save pornography on your phone... I'll come back to this later, but for now, try asking him this question: What is missing in you that he has to look into pornography for?
hey, thank you for your response😊 me and my boyfriend are from western europe, to be more exact from germany. im not sure how it works with legality here but as far as i know it's not illegal. I guess he is missing stuff in me because of the distance. I do try to do my part to keep him satisfied but i guess he sometimes needs something else, idk. he says that that's just how men are and that it's nothing personal towards me. just that he likes that too sometimes but that he's also trying to reduce the amount.
I understand your concern. There are some things that come to my mind
First, is this a now problem or future problem? You mentioned you are kind of okay with this for now, though you would like your man to not see porn at all for now. But you do mention about how you don't want him watching porn later when you live together, when you are married and when you have kids, and that you don't want the father of your kids to have porn on his phone
I understand the concern about the future. But I feel like this might be thinking too much ahead. Only you can tell if it's true or not though. I mean, no one knows the future. But people do plan for the future. You are trying to plan for a future where your partner doesn't see porn or have porn on his phone. Now, this can also bee seen like this - it's not for sure that you both will live together sometime in the future, or you marry together, or have kids. Also, it's not for sure that he will see porn and have porn on his phone at all these stages of your lives. It's possible that he changes in the future. It's also possible that you both go in your own ways due to other disagreements
If this is a future problem you are looking at, I would consider you to look at it as a future problem that might / could occur, given all the things you mentioned happen - you living together, getting married, having kids. I would ask you to consider and think about - if you wanna deal with this problem, a future problem, now, and pick a fight with your man.
But if it's a now problem, like, you don't want him to see porn and have porn now and anytime in the future, then yeah, it makes sense to deal with it now, as it's a now problem
Does that make sense?
Yes, that makes sense, thank you for your response :) You are right, it is more of a future problem than it is a now problem. I am bothered by it now but chose to let it be due to the distance, with the strong hope that it will stop eventually, but indeed, we can not know the future. He is saying now that he might not stop even then, but we are talking about quite some years ahead where many changes might still happen. So i will try my best to let it be for now, and not be bothered about the problems it may or may not cause in the future, because that is wasted energy😊
Hey @uwurai. I am a male, so I thought I might be able to explain why your bf might be doing that. And this is just my opinion, he might have a completely different reason. As from what I understand, watching porn and such is something that a person, especially a male, gets very easily trapped in. Even when they say it’s by their own choice and that I can stop whenever I want, it is no less than an addiction. It is a nasty habit that they have gotten themselves stuck in. And for some people, that act of compulsively watching porn was a substitute for a lack of enough love in their childhood days, which they now find themselves unable to get out of. In summary, I feel it’s more of a psychological and emotional issue than an issue of leaving a bad habit.Â
But again, take this in your own circumstances. I do not know your whole situation, and I only gave the above with the knowledge I have and the context I was able to deduce.Â
Hope this helps ! 🥰
Thank you for replying! It might indeed very well be like that for him, he has gone through quite a bit in his past and also has lacked a lot of love, so it is most likely a habit that will be difficult for him to get out of. Im pretty sure he doesnt consider himself addicted, i asked him that before, but as you said, it might be. In that case im not entirely sure what's best to do, i do feel like it's important for him to break that habit, but i dont think it's a good idea for me to force it. I would think the best approach is to give him the love and affection he needs, which will, hopefully, result in him not needing it anymore. This is difficult at the moment because of the distance, but eventually it should be possible. And then we will have to see if giving him that is enough. When he's in a better mental state it will probably go easier.
@uwurai, I am so glad that helped you out 😊.Â
I myself am someone who was trapped in this addiction for quite a few years, and had a very similar story as the one I mentioned above. For me, the desicion that helped me out the most was going and enrolling in therapy. Each person's background, story, and specific details are different, so what they need most would probably be a therapist to help them out. Not all therapists are compatible with a person, so its also important to find a therapist that seems like a good fit to them. I'll leave what a good fit would mean to you. 😉Â
And also, I understand that you're in a long distance relationship right now, and its in the future that you will probably get together. I also do not know the availability of good therapists in your area, so you might have to look into that. All in all, I would say that a therapist would most likely help, but again, that is my opinion, and you can take a call on how you would want to proceed with that based on your own situation.
If therapy does not seem feasible now or in the future, I would also suggest, although tentatively, to ask your bf about their past, and to kinda help them go through and see what happened back then. I would not really recommend this method that much, but if its all you got, then do try. You can also try contacting a local psychologist and see what they have to say.Â
Hope this helps 🥰
Your friend,
Grapes
Thank you for writing another message! Unfortunately my boyfriend is not a fan of therapists, he prefers to deal with his problems on his own. When we just met he told me about his issues in his past and how he was currently struggling, i adviced him to go to see a therapist or a doctor back then but since he didnt want to i gave up on suggesting that. Dealing with his problems on his own is probably not the best way to deal with it, but i dont want to force him and i also understand why he doesnt want to go see a therapist, so i guess that i will try my best to help him and see how far we can get with that. Thank you for sharing your own experience though😊