share your thoughts on do you want to know
This is an question i have been pondering in reading many posts here and in other places and some real life experience with friends
IF your partner had an emotional connection with someone... or a physical one ..
when would you like to know as soon as possible ?
would it hurt more if it was ongoing for a long time ?
would you like them to confess over just finding out?
@toughTiger6481,
good question and a tough one, as there are emotions involved on both sides.
First, I do find an emotional relation more painful than just a physical one. It's hard if a partner shares things not with you but with someone else and would not share them with someone else if you would be around.
I've been there, my partner getting close emotionally to someone else. Makes you feel alone, unheard, brushed aside. Like the connection you have is traded in for another.
Sometimes this happens, and there are always reasons. Now if it happens to continue and how you feel about it is ignored, it's time to find a solution. Whatever that solution looks like.
I don't have a fixed solution. What I can say that I got very angry at the time and accused my wife of having an emotional affair. Looking back, my anger was valid but getting angry is not smart. Better not to accuse and judge and sometimes better to see how it evolves and trying to be at ease and not getting sucked into a situation that is your partner's.
It's a tough one though.
@dukeofdearham
Thank you for pondering with me.....it is a tough one because each situation would be different.
I just think it gives us a question to make us think about the deeper items....
to see what is or has gone wrong in a relationship .....
i have heard the emotional affair hurts more but i wonder why.......you have said how you felt ignored or brushed aside perhaps she felt that way too and why she shared with someone else. each situation is different and if we saw up front where things were headed before they get there.
@toughTiger6481 Another question to be added here maybe is why? I know in my case I know the why's and when's, even though I know it would be hurtful to find out in either way physical or emotional I think the end result is the same....hurt, but one shouldn't of been put in that position in the first place. for me I think I would sooner not know if it were an emotional one even though I feel as though there is one in place anyways.
@toughTiger6481,
we don't always see upfront where things are heading. Not because we don't see them but we push it away, for whatever reasons. For me, intimacy is not about the physical part but the emotional part. Trust, confiding into your partner, feeling safe to tell anything. To share.
I fully understand in my case why my (soon to be ex) wife needed support and found it with someone else. I wasn't there, I was in a deep dark hole. I just wish she had been open about it. We did relationship therapy and, when we started, I said we had to be open and honest to each other, put all cards on the table, how hard it might be. I still feel like she didn't, and was not open, not to herself, not to me, not to our therapist, not to close friends. Telling me I was making up a story, that nothing was going on.
So yes, my intuition told otherwise. There were clear signals. She needed that guy and I'm sure she developed feelings. She would never cheat but emotionally getting very close to someone else (she shared personal stuff with him she never shared with me) is... well at least it's not being open and honest.
So it backfired. I went through her laptop. I was desperate and needed to know. Got angry after that often and that made her file for divorce .
You don't have to share all your thoughts and things you do or did. But if your partner doesn't feel safe, trusted, appreciated and (unconsciously) finds support elsewhere and that support grows into a continuous close intimate relationship, then yes, that should be put on the table. That is, if your heart wants to make things work out, in whatever way. Openness and honesty is the only way to try, to give your partner AND you a fair chance.
Having said that, it not always easy. You have to be aware, to be able to step out of the situation, ask yourself what you really want and not want, rise above your emotions. And then there's the past and traumas and experiences from the past (like in my wife's case).
Like our former relationship therapist said, it's like peeling an onion (therapist didn't really help though...). I once said, there's another way, a better way, a confronting one and very painful one, but better than peeling layer after layer. Just cut the Gordian knot.
It's hard to say because I've been that person that was in a relationship for 8 years, where I felt neglected and my partner didn't show signs that he cared to solve the issue, so I sought out attention from a guy who was a friend at the time and then we both developed feelings and we ended up kissing.
Obviously it's not right to have emotional connections with someone else other than your partner and definitely not ok to have a physical one with someone else. But I think if two people sat down and really tried to understand why the other did what they did and what caused them to make that choice. I think people would be more open to being honest instead of trying to hide truth or wanting to fix the issues. hiding truth is based off of fear of what the other is going to think and because they know what they are doing is wrong but aren't wanting to be upfront about it. they'd rather make it worse for themselves. why this happens? I'm not sure.
It's sad to think that we can feel uneasy to be open and honest with our partner but find it so easy to do things behind their backs. it doesn't make sense. At the same time if your partner is judgmental and always see's things from their point of view, then yeah I can understand why being honest can be scary but it's still something that should happen, cause it's the right thing to do.
I was told that I'm impatient a few days ago , but I know for myself that I'm the most patient person and I would definitely have the heart to hear them out and say Hey what you did may have hurt my feelings but I'm still going to hear you out and there's a high chance that I'll go to bed, wake up and still will want to hang out or will still want to talk because it's who I am.
I'll still keep showing up but you need to make use of what you have, if it's what you want. And if its not what you want , you need to be honest.
@chipandale33,
thanks for sharing.
I agree. I think indeed often when you develop an emotional affair (or a physical one which feels less worse to me) you have needs that you feel are not addressed by your partner. In my case I got in a deep dark hole, couldn't even love myself anymore.
My, soon to be ex wife, needed support and got emotionally involved with someone else. I just knew there was, at least on her side, more going on then what she called a friendship. Her contact was online and through whatsapp but very intense. It was more important to her it felt then the relationship therapy we did as per my suggestion and which she agreed upon to learn to improve communication.
I confronted her. She said over and over that nothing was going on, that I created a story and that I should stop and how my story helped to connect again.
In a way I understood. She has trauma and one of the results is she can't admit wrongdoing. Apart from being afraid I'd get angry. Which I did after going through her laptop and finding g proof for my suspicions (there were plenty of signs already and I always trust my intuition).
Would she have been open and honest, it would still have been a tough journey. We could have make things worked out though, whatever the outcome. Two people who deeply love each other, still do.
And no, I would never have held it against her. She knows. She knows I never judge someone who is open and honest and put her feelings on the table. And yes, I would have gotten angry first and later sit down , talk, show mutual understanding.
I think things happen in relationship that makes us driven by emotions. And we hide, are afraid, and stop being vulnerable. Which results in exactly losing that that we don't want to lose.
@dukeofdearham
Thank you for your continuing input as a person who can really shed light on my questions. in your responses i feel like i understand this much better. I find it refreshing that you feel you might have been able to forgive or work through if she had not hid the truth from you.
maybe it is not possible for a person to come out and and say
" hey i have been feeling neglected and alone and i started chatting with a person whom made me feel good about myself " if they did ..............could their spouse see their issue ... open up about why they took their partner for granted..... or does it always end with accusations and hurt without seeing the big picture. it seems most never tell the truth until there is nothing else left....
@toughTiger6481,
I think there's basically to reason why someone would cheat upon their partner.
First, the love, respect, is, maybe long, gone. In a way, they are not cheating, just moving on. That they might hurt their partner, well, for them the partnership is gone.
Second, they still love their partner, but things went south, communication became fight, freeze and/or frame. They feel neglected, no longer seen for we they really are, need support, love, acceptance, a need to share and run into someone who makes them feels whole again. Or so they think. I guess quite often emotions play a major part and take over.
It happens, often. There's a reason why so many marriages nowadays end in divorce. And talking, being honest and open, trying to rise above fears can make a huge difference.
Let me put it this way. I think that when you cheated or are cheating on a partner, and somewhere you know it's wrong, and you are afraid to put your cards on the table, it just might mean that you still truly love your partner and are afraid your partner will leave go. So you keep your mouth shut and hide behind denial. And what happens then most often...... indeed.
