selective hearing
I am trying to find effective ways to deal with anger towards my partner.
We OFTEN have discussions and I tell them information they asked about and they act as if they listened or nod head ... Then we visited family over holiday. partner asked them about same discussion .. Family member said the EXACT same thing i told partner. MY partner then tells me like this is brand new information when the person said verbatim what I had previously said.
I know it is a small thing i should not let bother me but when it happens on a weekly basis looking up things and telling me the same thing i just told them i began to question their hearing my volume in speaking. Not that reword my response still ignored... text them they claim they never saw it i have read receipts. it has to be on purpose i have spoken about it but like most other things it is ignored.
we have some other issues but i often feel those are intensified by the refusal to listen. We started the day fine and then they told me something i had told them two days ago ..... they look at me like i should congratulate them on finding this information.... i walked off furious the whole day will be tainted by the anger and resentment.
@toughTiger6481 I have experienced this as well, and I understand how it seems like maybe a small thing but yet becomes big when it happens regularly. It’s maddening. I can tell you’re trying to be understanding with this, but it’s an unfair weight on you as well.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Thank you for the reply it is nice to know someone understands.
I think It is more then the background noise although that is a perfect example. It is very frustrating and makes me feel invisible. It has really really hurt our relationship. tonight we discussed ordering in and i told them twice in less then 10 minutes my order as they were calling it in .... guess what get a look of aggravation from them saying "tell me what you WANT!"
This would be fine if it was an hour but 10 minutes.... now i feel they may be early on set dementia or something??? they also are having issues that i am not sure if i should ask them to see someone about ..... an old building that every business that tried moving into location failed. The building was torn down a month or so ago he has driven by several times yet today he seemed surprised and said "WOW did you see they tore that down" ....i said "yes a month or so ago " He looked at me like i was making it up ...... i know he has driven by it how do you miss a whole building gone and if so maybe he has early onset dementia or something and should not drive.
I spoke to them today told him how this made me feel like nothing i said mattered. They said listening to others was not about the other persons opinion but they were seconding mine and he decided to act.... why does he need a second to my answer.
@toughTiger6481
That is a very saddening experience for me to hear about this issue coming back to you over and over again. Especially when I think it's been two years now or longer. I am just sad because you seem to be unhappy in your relationship 😔
First things that came to my mind were some negative thoughts about your husband. But I guess I would be not neutral in that. And a relationship takes two...
Do you think you both might be involved in some kind of a "game" or role-playing thing? It looks like your temperaments are extremely different, with you being active, more decisive and lively, while your husband seeming to be slower and more passive.
Also, I am from the ACoA/AA/Al-Anon background, so I know that while a husband is drinking, a wife is often taking on both partners' everyday responsibilities and decisions, with him almost "invisible", and that kind of sharing can be complicating their lives after they start their healing. Do you think the reason might be somewhere there? I mean not only looking at the results (your husband not listening to you), but looking for the source if the situation...
@jacek73
My spouse is a recovering alcoholic( over a decade sober) .... he was very functional when drinking so was not dealt with sooner... He never had these tendencies back then.
I often wonder if this is just damage from long term brain damage from alcohol abuse....
It might be acceptable though sad if that was the case....... but it ONLY seems to effect his home life as he has a very busy leadership job with a large staff and seems completely competent there not making nonsense comments to them ... he has people calling him many times for direction or answers and he sounds confident and clear and decisive as i listen.
I want that person at home....
I know the disconnect has made me harder to deal with ...i do try to take on too much and get resentful about it. He may feel I am trying to take over but I am just wanting to make sure things do not fall between the cracks. I can see how my response may be making him not being decisive and only reactive but i am struggling to change the dynamic. I leave things to him to do ... and he fails far more then he triumphs .... he says he has too many things work / etc and forgets details in what is happening at home.
I think in looking at core I may be letting this bother me more because I have always been down on lists work/ kids/ himself / pets..... then me way down list. In working on that I have just done more on my own and it is making the space between us wider and wider.
@toughTiger6481
It must be hard... No matter how much you struggle, the distance between the two of you seems to be growing...
If there was a magic wand, I guess we know what would you like to change in your husband. But how do you think, what would he like to change in you, to see you as more attractive, more important, not the person he is used to, but the person he would like to start anew with? Do you think he is still capable of such attitude?
Do you think not letting things to fall between the cracks is really so important when the ship is sinking?
Once in my life I met quite a messy person. She was unorganized, hectic and very unpunctual. We've been quarrelling a lot about keeping things in order, and unpleasant surprises (like the piles of sand from the children clothes freshly taken out of the washing machine or a rotten egg in the fridge)...
Several years have passed. Different person. Different place. She accidentally turned over the glass on my night table, with water being spilt all around. But instead of getting angry I stood and... hugged her. I didn't think about what I was doing. It was a jaw dropping experience for me. Well, actually some spilt water was not worth losing a relationship...
@jacek73
All good things to think about. I do not want to wave a wand and change him. i do not think it is too much to ask to be paid attention to? Maybe he could notice a haircut / new item of clothing / anything. Only time in last year he seemed interested was when i went on a business trip for 4 days... can not care less if i sit at home ......but fly across country he wanted to call 15 times a day.
I ask about his day he says he does not find job interesting so why would I ? I try to start conversation about local or current events ... nothing.... i joined a gym did art classes got a new job he asks nothing.... in best shape of a decade he does not notice at all. we had the talk if we were single again he says he has no interest in even companionship with someone new.
I am just lonely with him in same room
Wow sounds familiar
@toughTiger6481
It's very sad to hear that... Especially while still remembering that I was there... When the kids were out for their summer camps, just passing by each other on the way to bathroom or kitchen, without a word other than "hi" or "I am going now".
If someone asked me about my status several years ago, my silent answer deep inside was: "For years I've been living in a burnt out wreckage of something that used to be my relationship". I am sorry that you apparently came to similar point in your life now.
I guess maybe I shouldn't tell you what happened next - to not discourage or encourage you (many good things and some really bad things happened).
Now I've been living my life alone, sometimes terribly missing a hug, a kiss, a walk hand in hand (yeah, I am romantic 😉) or just a warm conversation over a morning cup of coffee, but every week realizing how much I actually feel... happy 😊
I wish you all the best on your way, no matter what you decide 💜
@jacek73 I was avoiding mentioning what’s changing in my relationship as well. We are going through the process now. I have mixed emotions about it, some relief at no longer being tormented about situations like Tiger’s, but also knowing I’ll miss the same things you described. I’d like to think there is hope for others going through these things. Is this common in marriages, a difference in the sexes? Or just happenstance when people get comfortable or aren’t practicing self-awareness? I probably need to stop trying to figure it out.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I believe there is no rule (though some patterns might be more common). But there _is_ hope.
You never know what is awaiting you when you open another door. You may be eaten and spat out by a crocodile, or find a love of your life... And then, finally, some great peace of mind. Will be what will be. No need to worry 😊
@toughTiger6481 It hit me hard when you mentioned all these things he ignores but then sparks up when you go out of town. Sometimes it feels like a game of chase. Sounds like he gets insecure when you leave. Like he notices and cares, but his priorities are out of order when you’re around and the risk of losing you is less. Sounds like he spends a lot of energy on things like work and isn’t aware that it’s important to set a reserve for you two. He sounds comfortable, like he can relax and do minimal effort around you and thinks that’s a good thing.
Do you guys spend a lot of time together, or do you tend to do a lot on your own?