conflicted between
Hi. I am looking for clarity/peace of mind and opinions. Because I simply can’t decide what is the best decision. I (26F) have a child with my ex. We dated ‘15-‘19 and I found out I was prego and he split. I begged for him to get his stuff together/job/want to move in together all the things for years and he didn’t. I also asked him to be my boyfriend after our child was born.
long story short I moved on (sorta) and started seeing someone else. We’ve been together for 1.5 years and have some issues but not as many issues as my ex. But my ex has begged for me back for months, basically almost the full relationship. Anyways not until recently did he completely start doing what I asked him to do before and he told me he wants to prove it to me.
is it possible that I’m conflicted with my feelings because of the fact that I share a child with him and that he is my ex? Because part of me wants to run away and go back to him but there’s a wall stopping me because of our history.
and then I feel horrible because I’m in a relationship that just seems like a dead relationship but there isn’t anything wrong really with my partner currently. He’s a great person but sometimes I don’t think he’s my perfect fit/that he’s ready to develop a relationship with someone who has a kid.
that’s a tuff situation. it’s totally possible that you feel conflicted bc you share a child. that’s a massive deal. i understand wanting to run away and be that perfect family. i really hope that is the case for you bc that sounds amazing. if i could suggest anything i would say give it time. if he continues to do all the things you’ve asked, it’ll tell you it’s for real. time equals truth 🙂
Do you think it’s wrong of me wanting to break up with my new boyfriend? Just because my ex is getting things together. Like I said, my new boyfriend isn’t bad at all. He definitely has his moments and he isn’t perfect, but it’s like my ex and I have just had so much history together. It’s hard, I just feel like not being happy with someone to break up with someone because he has been better to me than my ex has ever. He’s a great guy, but sometimes I don’t feel like he’s great for me. And sometimes I feel like I just wanna be with my ex ,I just feel horrible . I wish I could make up my mind or that I knew what was the right decision
@dewbugs
I think it takes real honesty with yourself. I think when we have a child with someone we want it to work out and everything comes together... Being realistic that does not always work out because of reasons you have listed.......job/ stability/ and wanting to share the responsibility of raising a child. The IDEA of happy ever after does not work with a person who says they changed but do not show it.
Your Ex will come back and say he is ready or wants you back etc.but unless there is real proof of his actually doing the things that need to be done.
When you have another relationship with your current bf or someone else you are a package deal you plus a child. The hurdles in that type of relationship ...often make it seem it will just be easy with the child's father.
It takes more thought about things to make sure whatever relationship you chose it is also the best for child. You will always be connected to your EX sharing a child but that does not make a relationship between you and him work simply because a child.
?
@dewbugs
I guess i can re-phrase you may want and relationship with EX to work .... it is IMO easier since you share a child. Easier does not mean it will work.
If your current relationship is having issues with you child ( not being his) that will happen with some possible future relationships as well.
Reconnecting with EX solves that but not all the other items with EX like NO job or keeping a job or other items you would need him to step up to build your life. Life is long term and hoping for change or "he said" he would will grow old fast when you will be the person taking care of everything.
Oh sorry this didn’t show on the original comment, it was blank with just a tag of my name.
yeah I totally hear you out. Personally I feel like my current partner just isn’t ready to date someone with a kid and he shows it a lot in small actions. He is lovely with my kid but he hasn’t grasped what it’s like being with someone with one. And seems like he has no desire to help / be a step dad.
and on the ex things , you’re very right. Easier doesn’t
mean it will work or that it’ll be better. I am trying to decipher if him and I would even be able to figure out a way to work together, and not fall back into old patterns
@dewbugs
It sounds like you're navigating a very complex and emotionally challenging situation. It's completely understandable to feel conflicted when emotions from past relationships are intertwined with new ones. The fact that you share a child with your ex adds another layer of complexity to your feelings, and it’s natural to have a mix of emotions when considering past and present relationships.
Your current relationship, while stable and supportive, doesn’t seem to fulfill all of your needs, especially when considering the challenges of parenting and future compatibility. On the other hand, revisiting a past relationship brings up past wounds and unmet expectations, making it difficult to move forward without hesitation.
It’s important to reflect on what you truly value in a partner—both in the present and for the future. Consider what aspects of your relationship make you feel fulfilled and secure, and whether those are things your ex can truly offer now. It might also help to have an open and honest conversation with both your current partner and your ex to understand their feelings and intentions better.
Remember, it’s okay to feel unsure. Taking the time to process your emotions and seeking clarity is a step towards making a decision that aligns with your happiness and well-being.
This was so well put. Thank you. I definitely feel like I am not fulfilled in my current relationship even with him being a great guy. I’ve always associated a bad relationship meant that they were dishonest/cheating or abusive in some way. So it’s been a weird in between stage of realizing an unhappy relationship can just mean I’m not fully feeling like I am growing.
and with my ex, I am unsure if he is 100% growing in a way I want to. Which is where I’m stumped because I don’t want to go back to the snake that bit me. You know? But we were both young and dumb and have grown a lot in the last 5 years of not being together.
but it’s all speculation - grass ain’t always greener lol.
@dewbugs
It sounds to me like you're being confronted with a very difficult situation. I've definitely found myself questioning partners before - are they the "one", are we really a good fit, do we want the same things? etc. I think that it's great that you're really thinking about this and seeking out advice. It means that you really care about yourself and your kid.
You've already received a lot of good advice here. I echo the sentiment that time will generally help. Also that actions are stronger than words. Ultimately, you are dealing with two different questions that are related. One is- do you want to continue in your current relationship? And the other is - do you want to get back together with your ex? I encourage you to approach these questions separately, despite them being related. Because ultimately the answer to one shouldn't affect the other.
And remember, you and your child are the most important. You need to do what's best for you, and as long as you're doing that, I don't think you can make the wrong decision :)
