broke up with my first boyfriend

i just need some advice and opinions on this… so the situation was that he and i had a very rocky relationship where our fights on texts gets heated up really easily, and he finally couldn’t take it anymore and he told me no contact until he’s ready and that we have officially broken up.

i just have some questions, if he doesn’t remember one thing i mentioned that i like, even though i talked about that thing the day before, does it mean that he doesn’t care enough? i told him that i didn’t like reminding him and he just said sorry and changed topic. i then told him i was still upset and he explained that he was driving and was rushing to pick his mom up and stuff. he also said that it was a mistake, and that he tends to forget the easiest things and need to actually put in effort to memorise things, and that i can’t seem to deal with that. and i couldn’t stop feeling angry because of the way he responded when i expressed that if he actually cared he wouldn’t have needed to remember it or he would have at least showed that he was sincere when he apologized. But he apologized because he felt bad and not for the mistake. i know i’m the problem too but the more i explained why i felt so triggered, he just kept telling me things out of spite like “you’re right i’m the terrible person” and then kept asking me to stop and he also said “be angry all you want” and “can’t go a week without being angry at me” and that the only reason i wasn’t angry at him during my holiday was because we barely talked, and then he also said “this is what happens when i try talking to you all day”. and then those phrases and words he said to me made me explode, and then argued saying he never tried to improve where he replied me with “and how have you improved” and that the only reaction to any inconvenience was being angry or upset.

and then he later called me to break up with me and asked for no contact, saying that it was best for both of us and we both needed time to heal and grow from this.

i don’t know how else i was supposed to let out what i’m thinking without ending up in a fight like this. i didn’t intend to end the relationship over that. I know i’m at fault for being so easily angered but his replies didn’t help me at all. i wanted him to tell me he will try his best to remember and for the way he apologized insincerely.

Was it wrong of me to have kept explaining how i felt? i really don’t know. Now that he basically asked me for no contact, it’s been sounding like leave me alone. I’ve come to realised that i was too harsh in my expectations but at the same time, he kept making it worse for me to recover.

i can’t help but keep regretting for continuing the conversation and explaining my thoughts. I just feel worse and worse every day. I have to restrict myself from texting him. he’s going to be on holiday from late jan for 3 weeks which is really long for me and i can’t stop thinking that he could make use of that holiday to get over this fight and heal from it while, even though he said i have to heal as well, i have other problems like my school and family problems. It just seems so easy for him to stop talking to me but it’s so hard for me to stop talking to him. It just never seems fair.

and the more i think about it, if he could just ask for a break without asking about me or my thoughts, if we ever get back together, he might do the same thing, saying it’s the best for both of us, saying it’s going to help heal and grow from this. but i don’t even know if he’s just trying to reflect on any of this. i don’t even think he wants to try again. I told him almost recently that i regretted the things i said and that i should have not taken him for granted and more, but all i got back was, basically “i really hold you meant the things you said. but you to respect my boundaries and not contact me”

i really tried to reflect on my actions and feelings and said those things but he replied saying that he initially intended to visit me after his holiday but now that i said those things, he thinks it might take us longer to heal. like honestly i really tried and i suffered even more. I really didn’t want to have to break up with him. but it sounded like he just wants a break from me and i just think that the no contact and the “this is for the best” was just an excuse. I don’t know how to stop feeling this pain. and i honestly feel like i already come to the conclusion that i want to give up although i really like him. He kept saying the time is to fix and heal but what exactly is he doing to that and he is obviously not going to talk to me. meanwhile i am trying my best to study and distract myself but i keep finding myself falling apart at night whenever i think about how much i miss him. and the more i kept re reading his replies, the more i feel like if he ever comes back to find me, i wouldn’t have the energy to want to carry on with him anymore. I don’t mind giving him the space he needs and i’m really okay with 1-2 weeks but he needs more than 2 months. I don’t know how to feel about this and i don’t want to move on but at the same time i want to move on. i just wished he was more calmer whenever we fight and i wouldn’t have exploded but i know it comes down to me and my anger issues too.

I just really wanted to tell him that he hurt me just as much and that i couldn’t wait that long because by then i don’t know how many break downs are going to kill me over and over again. even though he said he’s hurting just as much and feels terrible for breaking up he still needs the break. I don’t want him to leave me. but i don’t know what to do myself.

if i confront him any further, he will say that it’s not possible for us to be together anymore. and i also hate the fact that he won’t pick up my calls anymore and so everything is going to be on texts. but that not anymore too, because we even cut contact on our socials. at this point, i feel like he needs this break but it’s not what i need. I need him to tell me what he plans to do and how he is going to fix and heal from this… but all he wants me to do is to not contact him until he wants to contact me.

he said that he wants us to not contact each other until we both are ready and confident that we will not end up this way, but how am i supposed to know when he will be ready if he is just going to keep telling me no contact. he is basically telling me to wait for him until he’s ready to talk to me again.

i don’t know how long i can last before i want to tell him i can’t wait anymore. but then again i don’t want it to end because i just need him to talk to me.

I really really need some advice on this, and i really appreciate anyone who has read everything.