Wife had multiple affairs, both physical and emotional
I'm at a loss right now. I've been married for over 20 years. But about the 9th year, I suspected she was cheating. I had no proof, just suspicion. She denied denied denied. Well, this drove a huge wedge between us. I just felt in my gut that she wasn't being honest.
She had this guy friend, and they were way too affectionate towards each other. I told her it made me uncomfortable, and asked her to stop, but she said, "eww, he's like a brother to me".
Anyways,
I overheard some things being said at a party, and I spoke up, and they said they were talking about someone else. But I didn't believe them.
So she denied it, and a few months later, I noticed weird Internet history. Someone was googling motorcycle repair questions, and looking at parts. So I asked if the guy has ever been our house. She said no, then I showed her the history, and she said yes he used the computer. 😔
I told her to never have men in my house while I wasn't there, she knew this. She apologized and said I was overreacting...
Well things got better, then they got worse. She became an alcoholic, she wouldn't work, and she was mean all of the time. So I started to resent her. We didn't sleep in the same room for almost two years. We both come from a broken home, and wanted to stay together for the kids.
So anyways, she continued to drink everyday for years. But we were trying to make it work. We still fought about her drinking, and money mostly. But I couldn't get her to get a job.
Well she ended up getting a job...
And cheating with a co worker, and a family friend, and an acquaintance.
I kind of did her dirty, I lied and told her I had an affair years ago. And that my suspicious behavior was probably just guilt. She spilled the beans and said she cheated once too. Well I had a name, and I started investigating. I looked at her Google maps location, and she was at his house 6 times, 4 of those times were for over two hours.
Then her *** messenger. A guy I know was messaging her, asking why she won't call him anymore. When I confronted her, she flew into a fit of rage. But eventually admitted to having sex with him, too. But she talked to him for over 4 years 😭. When things were bad, and when they were good.
So now, since she was so reluctant to admit things, I'm worried that there's more.
So, i told her, if there's anything else, you NEED to tell me. Because the lying is the worst part. If I find out you're lying about anything else I'm done.
So now I've created this anxiety, that I'm gonna find something, or someone's gonna tell me something.
Anyways I'm really confused, heartbroken, and having a hard time trusting what she says based on her past lies.
What should I do?
@amiableLemon9124
There seems to have been problems in your marriage for a long time.
You said she was drinking for years and not working etc. did you ever find what was her trigger in using alcohol to deal with things? Did she stop drinking on her own? Did she get help with that or have you considered marriage counseling? why did it go on so long? sounds like there is resentment from you about her not working and maybe from her with your focus on that instead of her emotional issues.
I think people avoid things like a partners issues like drinking etc. Some do not want to dig deeper because guess what we keep finding things ... I can agree you wanting to know the whole thing but at some point reviewing computer history and messenger etc sounds like you are her prison warden not her partner. if she felt you were on a real path to work on things maybe she would share completely.
One / two affairs or more, are you keeping score? will you bring up # next time you have a disagreement? Are you reconsidering divorce and want to justify your thoughts of to NOT stay together for the kids.?
How is your Marriage honestly doing before this? Some only reflect and do an autopsy after a marriage has died. If you want to move forward while honesty is wanted, is no time machine to take back all the mistakes or poor judgement we had in life.
Were you both meeting each other's emotional and physical needs? Too many (IMO) do not see how their partner is not being listened to or supported in a way they need. It is like a car with a funny noise that we ignore and hope will go away or assume it is nothing ........until the engine blows up.
That is NOT an excuse for seeking outside attention but it is a recipe for a bad outcome.
I'm honestly just stuck in limbo. I have no idea what I am going to do.
I wasn't searching for weird Internet history, I was using the family computer and noticed these searches btw.
I just feel like this: if EVERYTHING is out on the table, I want to move forward with the relationship. But if there are more things that she's keeping secret, I would feel like when given the chance to come clean, and didn't, I would never be able to trust her again. She's still acting weird. She isn't using *** at all. She used to post daily, but even on special occasions, she doesn't post anything. This is really weird behavior for her, considering she used to post constantly, pics of us and the kids, our outings etc.
The affairs hurt deeply, but I realized how much I do in fact love her. And I was cold and neglectful, and I felt terrible looking back. But we both were doing things that hurt each other before the affair.
To be honest, I feel like her drinking was to deal with the guilt from the earlier affair that she still has never admitted to.
But, thank you for your insight.
And yes I looked at her phone after I learned about the affair that she said happened years ago. I had to rip it out of her hands 😔. Which I shouldn't have done, but I knew she was still hiding something, and boom there it was.
@amiableLemon9124
I understand your feelings, i was cheated on myself. I am NOT blaming anyone just think you have come to the understanding that you DO love her and want to repair and move on .... I think digging for details or second guessing each move will keep this alive and a ghost living in between you both.
Seeking a third party counseling so you can speak openly may help or agreeing to fresh start and not needing details. I think about the issue from time to time still ........it has been a LONG time ago it happened and I think i would have NOT been able to let it be in past IF i knew more details then I already know.
Honestly speaking I would not have come to this realization until the tables were turned and a friendship i had started to go down the path that I could see the line and it seemed easier to cross if i chose to then i realized before
Forgot to add
Trust is the issue with me. She never communicated her feelings with me. She just said she loved me and acted like everything was fine.
So, how do I know when she is unhappy? It is she just gonna get mad at me, not tell me, and start talking to other guys again.
@amiableLemon9124
When you open up and tell her to speak up and tell you BEFORE anything else
To learn to openly discuss items and LISTEN. FIND an answer together not assume they want this or that.
My spouse mocked me when i said i was lonely with HIM in the room . He has no idea how close i was to seeking attention validation and interest from someone else.
The way I feel basically boils down to this:
I can forgive for certain things, but some things are unforgivable.
For example sleeping with a man in my bed, or doing something with one of my friends.
So I feel like there is something that she knows is one of the things that would just destroy me and our marriage. And if something like that happened, and she's keeping it a secret, the marriage was over when it happened, and everything after that is fake.
So, if in a year something else comes out, or two or five... And I'm brokenhearted again. I'm done. So that's how I feel
@amiableLemon9124
I totally get that .. i do not think those are unreasonable boundaries.
Although if she did anything with one of your " friends" then you may need to re-evaluate how much of a friend a person was. This seems to be a common theme with many "not my friend" my question is why the double disregard of us by both people or that friend or others know you were cheated on. I think we all would like no one else to know.
I think all points should be discussed but also have boundaries about how far details go.... how much is too much ...
for example if she wore a specific outfit or bra and other person saw them they must go ..or if they met at restaurant for lunch or something you, as a couple can not go there again...
I asked her to stop adding males on FB, she agreed, then she adds a guy. It's almost like she's testing me....
It feels like a game.
@amiableLemon9124
I agree she should respect your wishes....... but you also will need to not view every male as a threat or possible affair partner.... sounds like a lot of growth for both of you may be needed.
imagine if she had a relationship with a female would she need zero people on FB .... Frankly maybe a break form *** may help.
For example last night. I was struggling with some pretty overwhelming feelings. She asked what was wrong, I said just trying to deal with everything that's happened. And I told her I was considering going to a therapist to help me deal. She put her head down, wouldn't look at me. It felt like she wanted to say something but couldn't.