Unhappy & Stuck in my partner's past.
Hi everyone,
I've been feeling out of balance in my relationship for quite some time now..
Got married last year wth someone I knew for over 4 years; it wasn't very easy given that it was an interreligious marriage.. In fact, the process and struggles were extremely traumatic to think of even today.
On and off through the years, I've been feeling extremely insecure in my relationship. Early months and years, I felt a genuine interest from my partner, but now life seems scheduled and routine. Over the months, our sex life has gone from a few times a month to once a month to over two months now with no sex, and always only when I initiate, which now even I have stopped.
I have over the years brought it up with my partner a few times now, the talk is heard yet nothing changes. In 5 years of being together (dating and marriage), I have never had an *** neither does my partner care.. despite my mentioning it to him.
This makes my feel alone, unloved and very insecure witg myself.. especially when I see him looking at other women.
I also checked his phone thinking maybe he's cheating; luckily I didn't find anything, but did stumble upon old chats with what seems like an ex and pictures which he hasn't deleted. Everything i found was before me and him got together. In the past, I have even seen pictures of him with exes still on social media.. not deleted. This makes me really uncomfortable.
I understand that it was his past, but the whole time we've been dating and now married, he has never posted about me.. neither a post/ dp/tag... nothing. He says he wished to keep his personal life private.
Somehow, that makes me feel like he's embarrassed of how I look, given that he was very different previously.
I don't consider myself the prettiest person in the room, and his actions, checking out other women, no sex, no orgasms, neverwearing our marriage ring.... all this is making me feel extremely disconnected from him, unacknowledged, and more like roomates rather than husband and wife.
We barely go out or do fun things together. It feels more like friends and a warm body to sleep next to at night.
The overthinking is now making me feel physically sick, too... help, please. </3
@limeThinker2021
I am sorry you are going thru this sounds like you are unhappy.
I found communication... real communication is not talks with head nods and results in no change....
for some people the drop off of sex life happens after marriage can be several reasons yet we assume the worse... that they do not find us attractive or someone else etc. Issues for both partners can be a mental block as well.
My partner lost interest and it dropped off a lot after I told him things were NOT working for me.... in that activity. he felt too much pressure this was right before he had a medical issues that the medication killed what sex life we had.
For the other items What are photos but memories .... ever have a photo with a person you no longer like but it is a good photo of some time or someone you want to remember? i have a family photo from a wedding that the marriage did not last ... am I required to destroy this moment in photo because one person is no longer in family?
A record of what someone looked like at a moment of time ... a point in our life with or with out the other person in the photo. I know digital photos are what people are more aware of but in the old days seems like people were not as sensitive and expect that a delete button fixes things.... A far more powerful tool is a memory in our head...... Except our memory edits and makes ex seem more attractive then they were and a photo makes us realize that ...lol
Love and attraction is not all about looks ... Why do so many feel if things slow down it must be them?
Reach your spouse on a deeper level it can be simple with most guys they want to feel appreciated and wanted . Make fixing something an US project not a You vs Me item.
@toughTiger6481
Thankyou for writing me back, I don't know why his past affects me, especially coz I have one too. I think what bothers me when I see the pictures online, is that their relationship and his ex was publicly acknowledged.
On the other hand I did see that he is faithful & I know I probably shouldn't have doubted him.
I'd pick oyalty anyway,,
If you don't mind me asking, how did you and your partner work together through the intimacy issues? The dating scene, I've been there done that, but the marriage realm seems very different, especially because you can't keep running when things get tough. This can be both good and bad, obviously depending on the situation.
@limeThinker2021
It is hard because like you said cannot just start over like dating..... your relationship in marriage is publicly acknowledged far more then a " in a relationship" status on FB
i listened to podcast/ articles that said speak up....i still think it is important but remember how they may take it. Honestly i learned more about me and what made me in the mood / turned on and what was not working.... even if possible if you are not there mentally no matter the time and effort the result will not materialize. Feeling it deeper and truly why you are with him and the love you have helps in how you connect.
I think about dating and initiating and are both of your signals being understood. example one day my spouse rubbed my shoulder felt like he was consoling me for something ... which was weird to me ...he thought it was a romantic gesture letting me know he was in the mood..... I asked him why ??????
i spoke to someone about a different perspective and was told made to feel wanted and appreciated and listen to them was a big thing for them. I saw that in marriage we might not compliment or make them feel they are desired / handsome etc. Ever tell a co-worker a color looks good on them then realize i never compliment spouse much. Appreciation becomes expectations sometimes we do not acknowledge the little gestures and niceties spouse does.
@toughTiger6481
I would've never looked at it this way, thankyou! You have no idea how that other perspective has helped me and has given me peace!
Completely agree that we're much more open and friendly with strangers than our spouses and families- who often get the scraps of our attention and affection.
You have given me alot to ponder on and hopefully it brings change in my relationship. On a side note I have also had the conversation with husband and feel 10kgs lighter!
God bless ❤️
@limeThinker2021
very happy to have made any difference thank you for letting me know it helped.
@limeThinker2021,
toughTiger6481 has given some great input.
Ask yourself, why did you marry? There must have been sincere sparks at the time, I hope. Revive them. If life is challenging, go out, go on a break, alone, together. Relationships don't just happen and that's it. They require work. Every day you both should build on yesterday. Each day is a new opportunity to connect and come closer. My experience, it's emotional closeness that matters in the long term. Feeling save enough to be vulnerable, knowing you will be heard and listened to. It's not abourmt yes or no, true or false, agreeing or disagreeing. It's about acceptance and permit each other to grow. Sometimes together, sometimes alone, sometimes through others.