Ridden with guilt, unable to move forward
Hello,
I am new to 7 Cups and I didn't know where to start so here we are. Have you felt like you have been stuck most of your life because of the inability to make decisions? That's how I feel.
Long story short, I have never had much stability in my life. Filled with trauma and secondary trauma. Emotionally neglected. Life of chaos and turbulence.
So finally about 12 years ago, I tried to break my cycle and began a relationship with a man who on paper would seem perfect. Stable, mentally well, kind, etc. My life was stable for a while for the first time. We got married and have two beautiful children. We are both 35 years old now of age matters to anyone. Here is the thing though, I changed myself for him. I liked what he liked. I embraced his religion. His friends were my friends. My identity was lost (if I ever had one). I became filled with resentment of losing myself and in our marriage, he had expectations of what a 1950s house wife should be like (clean, cook, take care of kids, etc.) and work full time on top of this. He would help anyone out at the drop of a hat but I did not get the same. He was critical and controlling, as well as emotionally immature.
A little over a year ago,a coworker showed interest in me and I felt seen... something I had been lacking. I unfortunately began an affair with him. At first, it was just exciting and in a way a form of escapism. Fast forward to now... my husband has known of the affair, he still wants to be with me if I would stop the affair. We are somewhat separated. I am still involved with the affair partner and he says he loves me, seems to want to be with me fully.
So here I am, somewhat separated, fluctuate between wanting to work on my marriage for the sake of my kids, the comfort and security of it to wanting to completely end it as the idea of being with my lover which I could be romanticizing the relationship due to the newness of it and lack of responsibilities. My lover is a therapist and he always seems to know the right things to say to validate me which I don't think I could find with anyone else.
I hate where I am. This is not where I saw my life going. I hate the decisions I have made and disappointing the people in my life. Thinking of how others will respond, judge, or disown me has debilitated my ability to move forward. I am anxious and depressed. I am full of guilt and shame.
@Quixotic14 Others may have opinions about your choices, but you, not they must live your life.
@Quixotic14
if it is any help this happens to a bigger percentage then we realize...in marriage and work and kids etc we lose our connection if we had one ....... many also do not like who they become around a person they have bent over backwards for. IT is easy for someone to make this person feel seen appreciated and interesting... it is a boost to the self esteem and works on any lonely spouse.
It is interesting so many these days talk of spouse how they "look on paper" was this a romantic union or a job with a resume.... judge a partner by do you want to see them everyday in good and bad not they seem safe/ financially stable / the house is already set up ...
No one can tell you what to do ........only you know what you really want/ feel etc ...
stay with the spouse they may show interest and step up to be the partner you want ...... until they feel the storm is past maybe? you need real change or what would stop history from repeating itself
go with your affair partner ... you already know he has no issue straying .... the fun excitement and secret wears off and this becomes mundane down the road .....what is his past and baggage / will your kids be able to see this person in their life too ?
All points very valid. I do think it is difficult to convey all aspects in a thread. I could provide an autopsy of my marriage but that isn't necessary for the purpose of the post. It would be easy if things were black and white but not is rarely the case. Ultimately, I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out. Need to process and start making steps forward in order to not be stagnant anymore.
@Quixotic14
i understand as i have been in those shoes.....
I found I saw more and more flaws in spouse and our life .........when my new friend made me feel so good... i got irritated by really silly things ... that honestly i do not know how did i not blow up a long time ago about these selfish and petty things....
my new friend we cannot start over and he is also married so i know i am here as a roommate with a person who does not get the me ....... I am now because my self perspective changed with the affair