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Quixotic14
269 M Embraced 2
PathStep 16 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceDecember 28, 2023
Bio

I am 35 years old, married but somewhat separated. I have two young children. Work full time as a Vocational Rehabilitation Therapist. Worked 12 years in a state psychiatric hospital as a Rehab Therapist.


Recent forum posts
Ridden with guilt, unable to move forward
Relationship Stress / by Quixotic14
Last post
 December 30th, 2023
...See more Hello, I am new to 7 Cups and I didn't know where to start so here we are. Have you felt like you have been stuck most of your life because of the inability to make decisions? That's how I feel. Long story short, I have never had much stability in my life. Filled with trauma and secondary trauma. Emotionally neglected. Life of chaos and turbulence. So finally about 12 years ago, I tried to break my cycle and began a relationship with a man who on paper would seem perfect. Stable, mentally well, kind, etc. My life was stable for a while for the first time. We got married and have two beautiful children. We are both 35 years old now of age matters to anyone. Here is the thing though, I changed myself for him. I liked what he liked. I embraced his religion. His friends were my friends. My identity was lost (if I ever had one). I became filled with resentment of losing myself and in our marriage, he had expectations of what a 1950s house wife should be like (clean, cook, take care of kids, etc.) and work full time on top of this. He would help anyone out at the drop of a hat but I did not get the same. He was critical and controlling, as well as emotionally immature. A little over a year ago,a coworker showed interest in me and I felt seen... something I had been lacking. I unfortunately began an affair with him. At first, it was just exciting and in a way a form of escapism. Fast forward to now... my husband has known of the affair, he still wants to be with me if I would stop the affair. We are somewhat separated. I am still involved with the affair partner and he says he loves me, seems to want to be with me fully. So here I am, somewhat separated, fluctuate between wanting to work on my marriage for the sake of my kids, the comfort and security of it to wanting to completely end it as the idea of being with my lover which I could be romanticizing the relationship due to the newness of it and lack of responsibilities. My lover is a therapist and he always seems to know the right things to say to validate me which I don't think I could find with anyone else. I hate where I am. This is not where I saw my life going. I hate the decisions I have made and disappointing the people in my life. Thinking of how others will respond, judge, or disown me has debilitated my ability to move forward. I am anxious and depressed. I am full of guilt and shame.
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