Is wanting a traditional role in a relationship bad?
So my boyfriend and I have been together for little less than a year and things are good. The one thing that stresses me is that I’ve always liked a more traditional role a man plays in a relationship. Example would be paying for our dinner dates, planning things for us, etc. that is just what I am used to and what I personally prefer. I don’t think there is a right or wrong to any relationship and their dynamic but this is just what I prefer. Anyways, he prefers to split almost every bill. He says he does not make a lot of money so I don’t pressure him or mention anything. He says he wants to save up so we can move in together(also assuming we are splitting rent). He speaks of marriage and all sorts but I just can’t see myself marrying someone that isn’t the traditional manly man that I envisioned. I want to bring this up to him and be super honest. I am really bad with confrontation and don’t know what to do or how to say things.
some more context: recently I told him I would love flowers from him once in a while and he bought me flowers the weekend after. I wish he would want to do these things on his own if that makes any sense. Same with the whole situation above, which is also another reason I’ve been hesitant to bring it up. I’m thinking if he wanted to he would? Any advice would be appreciated…
@sunnyShip6354 How about appreciating the relationship you have? Do you ever buy him unexpected gifts?
I do, that is the thing. I buy HIM surprises all the time. I bought him flowers, I make him “care baskets” every month to remind him how much I love him. I just am used to those relationships in my past where the guy did a lot of those chivalrous things that I enjoyed (not with them for other reasons) but yeah. I just feel like I am carrying the team a lot of the times…
@sunnyShip6354 If you buy me flowers I’m gonna feign joy, but feel meh. It’s the equivalent of receiving a fruitcake at Xmas. You would probably really love surprise flowers on the other hand. So they are not really equivalent. Not that you shouldn’t ask for what you want, but also don’t compare apples and oranges, know what I mean?
That makes sense. I guess when I see my partner waste their money on random other things versus wanting to do things for me like plan dates, maybe get the bill a little more, flowers without asking, etc. I feel like I already do All of those things and more… so I feel like if he really wanted to wouldn't he? I feel embarrassed asking for Any of those things honestly… I guess the concept of even asking makes me feel uncomfortable too.
@sunnyShip6354 Yeah, I imagine having to ask takes the joy out of getting the gift. I wonder, is it the material gift or the thoughtfulness that’s more important? What non-material things does he currently give to you? What non-material things might you give to him to strengthen the relationship? If he had absolutely zero money, what would be the most valuable thing he could give you? Just rhetorical questions…
@sunnyShip6354
There is nothing wrong in wanting certain things out of a relationship but depending on your person you might not get them.... i have a partner that tries real hard sometimes but misses the mark often.
i too would like some nice gesture without prompting but realize on their own they buy candy when i am dieting ....etc. i have to see the effort not the result. They buy things they think i will like.. but often close but not quite. it is frustrating.
The money and paying for things can go back and forth depending on their financial situation and who pays for dinner out or things should not be a scoreboard. it is a partnership and i think some people do not know what to do... if they assume the general roles they may second guess it because sometimes things seem to say we should abandon such things.
@sunnyShip6354
Hi Ship! 😊 ❤️ Thank you for your amazing forum post! I can only imagine that this will resonate with so many others as well! "Is wanting a traditional role in a relationship bad"? I don't think it's a bad thing at all. You have a right to your feelings, wishes, wants and needs. You are a human being that is allowed to make choices in life and to do so in an effort to find someone that is like minded and that is the "right fit" for you.
Dating seems like a wonderful opportunity to get to know another person and on a deeper level. This can be the exact time to kind of tease things apart, think about what it is that you like in another person, what it is that you might not care for as much and consider the pro's and con's as well as what are potential "deal breakers" for moving the relationship on to the next level.
It sounds as if the two of you may have very different styles and mindsets. I love how you have said in this thread "if he wanted to, then he would". You are spot on my friend! This can be a wonderful thing to hold close to your heart and to keep in the back of your mind while dating this person. Clearly he does not want to (or he would-it would be a non issue, a mute point). It can be most wise for us as people to not simply focus on what someone says, but also what it is that they do and I commend you for doing so!
I wonder if the pair of you might also have what are called different "Love Languages"? If you would like to explore that concept, there is a book written by Gary Chapman "The 5 Love Languages". It's an easy read however, it can really be most helpful in understanding the behavior of others and how it is that they choose to show love to another.
I hope no one starts confusing here that you see "money as love" as I don't hear you saying that and not in the least. Holding traditional roles in a relationship goes way beyond financial issues however, there can be times where sacrifice, financially on a mans part shows intent to care for another, to make them feel special and worthy of sharing their resources. It is a way for another to show a bit of chivalry and true intentions.
I also hear you saying the "planning thing". Indeed! This is another opportunity for a man to show a traditional role in a relationship if that is how he see's things as well. Making dates, setting days and times for them even shows his intentions to want to see you again.
Being in that role and being chivalrous need not cost someone a small fortune. It's the intention that is there. One can make a date, make a picnic lunch and find the most beautiful tree that they have ever seen for the both of you to sit under while having a nice lunch. "I like this tree. I thought you might like it too". Ahhhhhh, how beautiful! One can be most thoughtful and bring a blanket to spread out for you to sit upon. One could bring a deck of cards to play a fun game to keep you entertained or bring a book along to read to you with a passage that they really like.
"If they wanted to, they would". With out you having to ask for flowers, if they slowed down and perhaps were a bit more thoughtful, one has to wonder how many free things they have missed that could show kindness to you. A pretty flower on the side of the road, picking it for you and presenting it to you with....knowing that the flower is not as pretty as you, but they wanted you to have it.
Pulling out your chair for you, opening doors, keeping his focus on you can really make a girl feel special, safe and loved. Him reducing the relationship to something that is purely transactional with a 50/50 split on all things, well, reduces it to a transactional relationship and for me, I wouldn't enjoy that either.
At some point it can come across as quite selfish and miserly and the feeling that this is his agenda, his focus and overly so. You are thoughtful, you think of him when he is not around and show him so by surprising him with little gifts. He could have done the same as well by drawing a picture for you, writing a poem, making a handmade card, etc.
In an effort to be fair to your boyfriend, I guess if one were to think long term...his pragmatic and parsimonious way of always doing things could serve well if the two of you were to get married. He might be focused on not over spending, saving money, but one has to wonder at what point does it cause concern? Relationships are rarely 50/50 and this seems a bit pervasive and I wonder if it would spill over to household chores, child rearing and having a quite dogmatic approach to life where there is little empathy or being of a helpful nature. How would he treat your children? Would he be so miserly to deny them basic things simply because he doesn't see the value in children having them?
Transactional relationships ultimately should be left to business dealings and not romantic inclinations/relationships.
Thank you again Ship for your amazing forum post! I'm hoping my response to you was helpful in some way. Take your time in your decisions with this relationship. You have a choice in the matter.
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
@sunnyShip6354
When we talk of traditional roles it is usually associated with "after marriage" not before. Also giving a gift a not occassion goes on to questions such as how much time he has devoted himself to think about other person apart from relaxing. Also, even if you are ok with traditional roles but again you are not married and he has his own responsibilities like you have your own responsibilities towards your families. Until, that happens 50:50 is best. Let's say he spends on himself instead of spending on your dinner dates ( but is he spending on his addictions on on something to relax yourselves). Do not follow the word on internet about traditional roles. I hope you know that depending on budget of family, ensuring that money is not casually spend on dinner dates in your responsibility ( traditionally). Keeping in mind that every person has a budget and should care for the person to tell them that they do not need to go over their budget casually for your hapiness is also your responsibility . I hope you get the concept on time.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a traditional relationship.
If anything, it is only a compatibility issue if each person in the relationship have completely different views that could affect your life long-term.
I say this as someone who's been in reverse-traditional relationships.
I'm a bit of a sugar-mama and like spoiling my partner. I'm usually the one planning events, paying for my partners, and providing for them. I have told my ex-fiancé before that I wouldn't mind him being a stay-at-home father if he wanted to or if he needed to quit his job to go to school, I would support him financially and work.
My current partner though has said he doesn't mind if I want to be a stay-at-home mother while he supports me and my son. It feels foreign to me, as I'm used to working a lot and supporting others. I never thought in my life I would be in a traditional relationship. He's not forcing me, he said it's fine whether I chose to work or be a stay-at-home parent. He does want more kids and thought maybe it could be easier if I was -- but that he won't push me that way if I don't want to.
Since he is your partner, I think it would be good to express how you feel to him, similar to how you did on this post. Just being open and honest about what you would like out of the relationship and then asking him also what he is looking for. You've been dating for a little while so...if it doesn't work out, you might be able to find someone more compatible or have similar views to yourself.
