Is this gaslighting ?
I’ve been posting about current relationship problems, what I think she got angry about is I offered advice instead of comfort about a thing the other day. I know, bad guy habit. She started picking about little things, instead of ignoring it, I pushed back a little while texting. Her response is always worse than the thing she was upset about in the first place. Hurtful stuff.
I was silent yesterday at home, I went out later to see a movie with my son (Deadpool), I should’ve said something when I was at home, but I texted her that her response is always way worse than whatever I did, and I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what she thinks about me, I can just do my own thing. She text back more anger and hate, and said she’s telling her brother what I said and kicking me out.
I know my part, I could have been cooler and talked in person, something I’m working on. She can’t handle being called out over something. Feels very toxic. I keep wondering if she’s a true narcissist and gaslighter. Makes me think I’m the one who’s wrong. I doubt myself so need confirmation.
@Tommy1971
It sounds like she did not like a dose of reality which is total narcissist behavior ... they make big things out of nothing hoping to make you retreat from speaking truth... i know part of you might have wanted her to wake up or get better but that most likely will not happen...
this may be an escalation to see if you cave to her way but she might freak when you pack up and show you will leave... they count on us to appease them always.
I think you’re right, but I feel stuck too. She and her kids can’t afford for me to leave, and I’m not going to leave them like that. So I can’t afford to move out if I’m paying bills. So I get sucked back in too easily. I have a bed in the garage, it’s cool. When it’s like that with her I try to just be happy and live my life.
@Tommy1971
You may not have to leave .... but every so often i call the person like this in my life bluff...
sit down and talk about finances. do NOT make any promises or pay for any time after you leave.
If bills are in her name tell her "you can't afford to pay anymore so you can set up new home " ... remind her you leaving was HER IDEA ...
This is more then a one up game... this is reality and tells her words matter ........threats and BS to get her way will not be tolerated....Life is too short for that.
If bills in your name tell her " hey ( name bill) will be closed when i leave so you can plan on getting this or that service in your name" there is a legal move to say "you will NOT be responsible for debts incurred by anyone but you etc " Easier to make plans and see what needs to be done and root out any obstacles so if something happens you have a road map.
My person has quit their tantrums and ultimatums and sees i am serious....... they WANT counselling and to appease me any way possible.
Yeah usually after a day or two she’ll finally realize she could be wrong, but I don’t trust that it’s not more manipulation.
Sent a new text saying she hopes I burn in *** and a video of the kids crying. That’s f’ed up
And I hadn’t said anything else to provoke that. I didn’t take a phone call from her because she was having the kids call me to make me come back. It’s a pattern with her
@Tommy1971
Exactly the pattern continues .... the nasty texts the mean things then use the kids or in my case he used his health to play on sympathy and us come back and they feel it is all forgotten.... NOPE
Not playing anymore .........each item will be fact checked/ and BS tested ......and nothing is all better....
i would let her know what she is teaching the kids to either be a manipulator or how to make another person's life miserable. Make sure their grown love life is unhappy and /or they will be single. does she feel proud of that? Yes it sounds harsh but most like this do NOT respond until you let reality smack them in the face.
your choice stay in the cycle or end it .... she won't
If you want to continue and i can understand it you must make boundaries and rules and NOT back down to tears or promises to do better etc.... Make her see you are READY to cut the cord and that her playing games is NOT advisable.
Yes, it is a cycle. The same thing has happened at least a dozen times in 3 years. I’ve never left for more than a couple days, I always came back and hoped that change would happen this time.
@Tommy1971
yes, there should be a club the eternal optimist partners club
Convinced that THIS time the this using manipulator would see their issue and really work on it.... each time we return it convinces them the behavior still works.... like gambling ready to not throw money away and you win just enough to keep you hooked....
@Tommy1971 you might try to request that both of you won’t argue over text. Because text can be interpreted in so many ways and escalate quickly. You might also want to try to respond to the feelings behind what she says to you. What is she really needing at that moment emotionally? You can of course “fire back” and defend yourself but that’s going to lead to escalation. If the result is more heat, does defending yourself even make sense to do?
I hear and know all that, I don’t care right now. Saying the most hateful things I’ve ever heard about me is never acceptable for a perceived offense
@Tommy1971
I hear this......... there are limits to us being understanding about another persons insecurity or boundaries we can take an once overstepped ... it in NOT unreasonable to ask them to take accountability for their nastiness...
I slept in the garage, I have a bed there. She told the kids we broke up prematurely. Sent me a video of one of them crying. I don’t want to be there because she called me evil things and told me to go, and probably told them a one-sided story.
Again today tells me how upset the kids are, never any accountability or apology for what she says. Instead telling me all the things I’m doing wrong which sounds like what she’s doing.
I reminded her I set a boundary she keeps breaking every time she gets angry and has a tantrum at me. Still my fault. At the moment, I’m off doing my own thing today and I plan to only be there to sleep.
I feel bad about the kids, but don’t feel like I should be around until we figure things out
@Tommy1971,
whether it's gaslighting, manipulation, narcissistic behavior, it doesn't matter. You can try to analyze the situation for as long as you want, it won't make you happy.
Sometimes a rift opens only to grow. You guys seem in a pattern that is so embedded that all revolves around it. And the only way to find yourself again is to step out. To take distance.
You say you don't want to leave them as they can't afford. Well, they survived before you. It's admirable and understandable. Yet it drains you, every single day. Is it all worth it to loose yourself over it? You are responsible for you, not for them, not for others.
I've been officially divorced now for 5 months. I left my wife's home over 2.5 years ago. I know how it feels to feel manipulated. Feeling like a partner behaves narcissistic. Hearing over and over you she doesn't trust you, while her saying she reaches out over and over showing she loves you. No more hugs. No more good mornings and good nights. Saying she never wanted a divorce and separation might heal both of us and who knows.
Hearing over and over she wants to be good friends. Reaching out, withdrawing, reaching out, withdrawing. It drives one nuts. She's the love of my life, I immigrated into her country for us. And i know I am the love of her life. I believe in "for better and for worse". But not at my own expense. So I let her know recently being friends takes effort and commitment. Since then she withdrew.
I see similarities between her and your partner. For some people it's hard to trust, for whatever reason. It's like they so want to love and be loved but don't know how. Maybe being afraid of being abandoned. So when life happens and issues occur their fear is being fed. Like " here we go again". And they make it so that YOU are the reason they broke up. So they don't have to hold themselves responsible for their part.
If they find another partner, this scenario will repeat itself. They know, they hope this time will be different. Well it won't as they repeat their behavior. It's their "comfort zone", and I feel sorry for them.
So, what do you want? Do you want to live or do you want to exist? Do you want to live your live or do you want to be lived?
And yes, it seems to me that your partner does love truly. There is just so much, too much, holding her back. Knowing what she wants, not knowing how, words contradicting actions. Sheer imbalance. Do you want to give up feeling alive for her? For anyone?
Yeah man I agree with all that. I do think she’s a good, loving person deep down. But yeah, like me, so many years of hurt built up and hard to crack through. For both of us.
I texted her again that I did say I was sorry for seeming like I didn’t care. I explained why I felt so hurt and it was hard to ignore her picking at me. I just admitted and started getting help for love and sex addiction that has run my life. Not easy work and I wasn’t feeling very sure of myself.
She only replied with excuses and anything else but I’m sorry I said those things.
I’m not always able to not let her get to me, not let hurtful words affect me. I’m trying. It would make less arguments.
I can’t move forward if she won’t even admit she was hurtful too.
Told me about the kids -“ I told her I told you to leave without telling her what happened but explained you have been in therapy and have been trying to deal with some personal issues. She said this is your last chance. She's upset with you and is not going to talk to you for a bit. She also revealed she didn't like you when we first started dating.”
feels super manipulative where I’m the bad guy. I just don’t get it
@Tommy1971,
the only thing my wife (my 1st marriage, her 3rd, and she'll always be my wife in my heart) ever said is that she messed up too.
You seem to understand where she's coming from. And, understanding where my wife was and is coming from, suffices for me. It took time. I apologized to her, hoping she'd apologize too. Admitting that her emotionally getting close to someone else was indeed one of the things that happened. I know she knows she dealt with it in a wrong way and deeply hurt me, doing lots of damage.
Don't beat yourself up on you. We all have flaws. No one is perfect. And some of us are willing and able to confront ourselves and, some call it to change, I call it becoming more true. Let your heart speak. Not your mind, not your emotions.
It hits me when you share you texted her and she texted back. I've been doing that a lot with my wife, texting, emailing, when we were just two rooms apart. It's sad, as one often wants to talk and the other can't, going or being in overload and feeling pushed. While you both still want to communicate, otherwise you wouldn't be texting back and forth.
True communication is sitting down. Taking a break when you feel emotional, asking yourself, how do I FEEL. How safe it might feel for one partner or both to text, it's a treacherous safety. It only creates more distance. It's dangerous as words cannot capture feelings.
I don't know how things will go. The most important thing now is to take care of YOU first. Put down boundaries. Tell her what to expect and what not. Tell her you support her but that SHE is responsible for her life and household. You're NOT there to hold her hand when it suits her, you're NOT the guy paying her bills.
You’re right about texting, it’s safer emotionally but usually not as effective. When we finally talk face to face we seem to settle things. I’ve felt too hurt to want to even be home with her there.
now she had to run and tell the kids we broke up and it’s my fault, not hers at all
@Tommy1971,
I'm so sorry for all of you.
I find it sad these things happen, even if deep down people sincerely love each other. Open, honest and respectful communication and learning not to push and pull should be taught at school, starting at primary school. So many breakups can be prevented, so many not working relationships too.
Take care.
I had to make some strong boundaries regarding us getting back together, but I’m still living there, so will be tricky to navigate. I said we both need time apart to heal and get therapy. She said ok you can have one more chance, like I’ve been the problem alone. She still never admitted any wrongdoing. I stood my ground. I was home last night, took the younger kid out for dinner. She was sick so I hung around and helped.
She hasn’t brought it up again yet, she went to work today not feeling good.
I’m feeling exhausted from all this, but glad I stood up for myself. I hope to feel better and stronger in myself this week.
@Tommy1971 Here is the thing with couples therapy if you’re going that route. Each person will be going expecting the OTHER partner to get fixed. But each partner can only work on THEMSELVES and how they communicate.
For now, I had just planned to continue my own therapy. She hasn’t suggested anything she wants to do. She just wanted to go back to normal. But then the cycle begins again.
there’s more peace and taking a step or two backwards, even if it feels awkward at the moment
She did say she was sorry she wasn’t understanding and for the things she said. That helped soften me up. I get it. I’m embarrassed by how I behaved too. I wasn’t in a good place, starting to figure out how to handle my addiction.
We’re trying
I feel pretty sober and unsure of myself at the same time. One day at a time, right?