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Tommy1971
1 974 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts67 Forum posts53 Forum upvotes29 Current upvotes29 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJuly 24, 2024
Bio

Rural mailman, comic book lover, nature and art fan

Recent forum posts
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Feeling undeserving
Relationship Stress / by Tommy1971
Last post
 September 26th
...See more I’ve been thinking about things from my childhood, I have a specific memory of my mom surprising me with a robot toy. I remember feeling sad like I didn’t deserve it. I was bought toys and don’t remember feeling that way any other time. No other context I can think of besides I did feel I loved a lot as a kid. My parents weren’t around or engaged much. oops My partner and I were talking, she thinks I don’t value nicer things that cost money as much because of this. But I wasn’t sure. I know I’ve had a scarcity mindset growing up
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Is this gaslighting ?
Relationship Stress / by Tommy1971
Last post
 September 9th
...See more I’ve been posting about current relationship problems, what I think she got angry about is I offered advice instead of comfort about a thing the other day. I know, bad guy habit. She started picking about little things, instead of ignoring it, I pushed back a little while texting. Her response is always worse than the thing she was upset about in the first place. Hurtful stuff. I was silent yesterday at home, I went out later to see a movie with my son (Deadpool), I should’ve said something when I was at home, but I texted her that her response is always way worse than whatever I did, and I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what she thinks about me, I can just do my own thing. She text back more anger and hate, and said she’s telling her brother what I said and kicking me out. I know my part, I could have been cooler and talked in person, something I’m working on. She can’t handle being called out over something. Feels very toxic. I keep wondering if she’s a true narcissist and gaslighter. Makes me think I’m the one who’s wrong. I doubt myself so need confirmation.
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Anyone have success having a healthy relationship with a narcissist ?
Relationship Stress / by Tommy1971
Last post
 September 2nd
...See more Serious question.
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Partner always talks about health issues
Relationship Stress / by Tommy1971
Last post
 August 31st
...See more My partner has a lot of things going on, healthwise, a lot of it undiagnosed. It’s made her kind of a hypochondriac, and every day nearly she goes on a rant about how she just wants answers all the doctors suck. I understand to a point but I really don’t want to hear about it every day. Am I a jerk?
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Finally admitting love and sex addiction
Addiction Support / by Tommy1971
Last post
 September 1st
...See more Hi, I’m 53/m, struggling with love and sex since I was a kid. I just read a great book- No More Mr Nice Guy, that confirms and really spelled out how neglect and abandonment has had me seeking love and sex all my life. I became a people and woman pleaser to try to get what I needed, denying myself of everything. Cost me several failed relationships and my current one is struggling. I just realized all this this week, so still sorting through thoughts and feelings. My partner has been angry with me. I’m finally learning to not care about what she thinks about me. I’m not chasing love or sex from her anymore. I’m starting to do things I want to do like go work out and visit friends. She’s starting to ask, she thought I was giving up and wanted to break up. I said no I don’t. She gave me attitude about my casual *** attitude, and I said if you’re going to be angry and not talk to me, I don’t want to go to the family party with her. In the past, I’ve gotten angry and left. We went to the party and were pleasant to each other. I know what to do to avoid the wrong things I did before, but probably need support and accountability. I had been studying how to overcome these things for years, but never understood the root of my problems. It’s very eye opening. I do feel encouraged and excited to understand what happened fully now. I feel like Neo from the Matrix, I just got unplugged from the false reality I created, and learning my power. I’m going to try a sex anonymous group on Monday, see how it goes. Part of my disorder is fear of connecting with other men.
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Break up, but living together
Relationship Stress / by Tommy1971
Last post
 September 17th
...See more I thought I posted this yesterday, but couldn’t find it, forgive me if double posted. I’m newish here, been talking to one of the great listeners and it’s been very helpful! I also wanted to find more support as I get through a tough situation, buckle up 😏 I’ve been living with my gf 3 years, I’m 53, she’s 45 with kids. It started off with poor trust, I was with someone when we first got together, she knew about it. And also had female friends I hung out with sometimes at the start. Anytime things were stressful, or I was unsatisfied, I would get on dating apps and look around, coping addiction I picked up from dating days. I wasn’t going out and meeting anyone, but she still considers that cheating. I get it. We’ve had a ton of stress, financial, bipolar ex causing trouble, she has some health issues that make work difficult. I always joked if we got married, we got all the hard stuff out of the way first. Earlier this year, I decided to stop messing around and go 100% in to our relationship. I knew I was scared and holding back because of the past. But it was too late. We were driving to a party, and she was using my phone and found things I had been looking at that I hadn’t deleted. A big argument ensued while we were on the freeway, and I ended up having to push her off me and hit her in the face. I spent five days in jail and I’m still on probation. I thought it was a miracle that she wanted me back, so we tried.  I’ve never been violent with anyone, and I’m still shocked a couple months later that I could’ve done that. I’ve made changes and doing anger management counseling. I’ve been back to where I was trying to be, 100% in. We had many difficult discussions, and new trust would have to be rebuilt. But things have gotten worse between us. From the start, she was always accusing me of things I wasn’t doing, even though I was doing something different, on the dating apps. Now that there is less trust than before, it’s gotten worse, almost daily since I came home. And I have tried to be better, I communicate well, I’ve been more engaged, I try to resolve arguments in healthier ways. Nothing seems to matter. it has been only a few months, but I don’t see any change happening for the better. I’ve suspected she’s a narcissist, there’s always been control issues and I am always wrong, she’s never wrong. Things always get turned around to be my fault, even when she’s clearly in the wrong. Last weekend after she accused me of something I told her that’s the last time. She did it again the next couple days, so I told her I’m done.  The problem is, we’re tied together financially, and I’ve lived with her kids for three years and I’ve built relationships with them. She’s only working part time because of her health, she was doing 50+ hours a week, so she can’t make it without my income, and I’m not going to leave them like that. That’s something the bipolar ex did. So I made myself a space in a different room, and I’m just doing my own thing unless she needs me to be with the kids while she’s working. I’m open to getting back together if she gets real help and makes changes, but she’s been aware of this problem and only goes to her therapy once a month to update her prescription. I don’t think she thinks she’s the problem now or needs help with this. I had to stick to my boundaries because it’s been back and forth so much, people at work ask me are you on or off today?😄😑 I know I shouldn’t tell people at work but it’s a small office, they knew what happened when I couldn’t come in lol. Any advice or thoughts on how to navigate going forward?
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Long breakup
Relationship Stress / by Tommy1971
Last post
 August 24th
...See more I started up on here a few weeks ago, I’ve been talking to one of the great listeners who has been super helpful, I also wanted to share my story for more support. I’m a m/53 my girlfriend and I have been together about three years. It started off with some distrust, I was with someone when we started dating, and then broke that off. I still had some female friends. I hung out with occasionally as friends. I stopped that. trust has always been an issue because of that. Constantly, I would get accused of doing things I wasn’t, or seeing people I wasn’t. I was getting on dating apps, a coping habit from when I was single. I wasn’t going out and meeting anyone though. Her feelings were justified, as I was doing some wrong, just not what she thought. at some point earlier this year, I decided I wanted to stop that if I wanted a better relationship, being 100% in. It was too late because shortly after she found out about me being on apps. It happened while we were driving somewhere, and tempers escalated to where I had to push her off me while driving and hit her in the face. I ended up going to jail for five days and I’m on probation now. She took me back in, and I’ve been doing everything I can to prove I’ve changed since, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m accused of things I’m not doing now more than ever, and I’m truly being faithful now. I’m communicating and more engaged. We had some deep talk and I know how I’ve been wrong and how I had to change. I’m still accused of doing wrong at the slightest thing that bothers her. it got too much, and last weekend I told her I’m not tolerating that anymore, I know trust takes time to rebuild, but she’s not trying and there’s no trust or love at all between us. She said she was sorry and apologized, which she doesn’t do easily. It’s difficult for her to see when she could be wrong in any situation, they usually gets turned around on me. I’ve suspected a lot of narcissistic tendencies, along with ADHD and many health issues that give her a lot of stress. I get that to a point, if it was an occasional accusation, once a month, maybe, that could be normal, but not several times a week. I told her the other day I have to be done, because she keeps breaking my boundaries. I know I’ve done wrong, and I’ve taken steps to correct things and try to make up for my mistakes, but I feel I deserve to be treated better. It’s been a couple months since that incident. i’m still living at the house, as we’re tied together financially, and she can’t survive without my income. I’ve lived with her younger kids for three years, and I don’t want to just up and leave for those reasons. How should I navigate things going forward here? I suspect she’ll say she’ll change as she has before, but it’s never truly happened. She apologized for it and did it again the next day. I need help sticking to my guns here and not going back again while still sharing a space. Thanks for reading 😊
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