I need guidance on whether to get a divorce or not

@passionateEast518

Hello. If you have been REALLY considering a divorce, you said you were married for 11 years, but you didn't mention some very important things:

How old are you? Are you in your 30s, or more middle-aged, like 40 or 50?

How old your husband is (is there any double-digit age gap between you)? How old were you when meeting and marrying him?

How long have you been into your therapy? Is the therapy concentrated on your self-esteem, or does it include addressing your past traumas?

How old your children are (toddlers, teenage, adult)? Do you have children at all?

How is your health in general: do you suffer from any serious physical illnesses, anxiety or depression?

I think they all can be important for getting the whole picture of the situation...

So, are trying to tell us that marrying your husband was not a decision made based on love, but more like calculated, arranged, "going with the flow", or to cause "no drama"?

I am sorry, but as a foreigner I didn't really understand the issue with your husband...  What do you meant by him "letting himself go"?

Recently I've had in my hands a very good book about relationships. It was describing how people often opt for new relationships while their current connection is bad on the sexual plane, or when the sexual matters ceased to exist in the "old" relationship at all. Is that true for your marriage, too?

It sounds as if you could have been tempted by "new car smell" of a different relationship? But, please, be aware of the fact that all new cars become old cars sooner or later...

Meeting a new person you may have butterflies in your stomach, your endorphin levels being skyrocketing. But this is not gonna last forever!

Right, that meeting someone new you have the "Sunday edition" of him. Your relationship is not burdened by the grays of everyday struggle. You don't see his dirty socks, see him falling asleep in front the TV with a newspaper on his face or hear him telling the same stories or jokes again and again. You have no bad memories connected with his past mistakes or deficiencies. And certainly it is much easier to go out for a coffee or a small trip with a new person than being overwhelmed by making numerous family appointments concerning packing things, who will take care of kids, elderly parents, dogs or luggage.

And yes, a new partner may seem more understanding, as soon as he is having the luxury of you being his good muse and not yet being his responsibility at the same time.

You said your therapy made your self-esteem higher, it may seem as if your self-esteem was low before you started and now you might feel able to move a mountain. But maybe that would be wise to wait some time for it to be more "balanced"?

And... Actually, shouldn't be your self-esteem coming from the inside of you, not from the attractiveness of any person you meet or from the attitude of this person towards you?

Especially if you have some bad experiences with meeting predatory or manipulative guys...

One of my female friends used to wisely say that most possible partners have their "demo version", which can sometimes differ very much from their "regular version". Are you sure what you see in your alternative partner is not a "demo version"?

How would you feel about:

Not making any hastily decisions with far-reaching consequences?

Giving yourself more time to check at what point of your life you are?

Continuing your therapy and see to where it comes?

I am not sure from your description how relatable it could be, but: Do you think your marriage would be still valid and maybe worth considering going to a couple therapy?

@passionateEast518

Marriage is deeper then surface level. It is also not a competition. 

You are in the middle of a storm of self growth / this attractive person maybe giving you some attention / therapy or counseling often have us question past decisions ........like when you got married but your perspective of course will be different now.   You speak of avoiding drama in your decision to marry and feeling like you settled for less because of low self confidence in others being interested in you..... is this just what you feel now after looking back at a situation....

What you did not speak of in your post was how is your spouse feeling?    How does he feel about you? treat you?   Did he know you felt this way all along?    Often when someone lets themselves go it can be a depression or being unhappy.  Have you spoke to him about how you feel if he is out of shape or unhealthy have you encouraged change/ growth maybe something that would make him more attractive to you?   How is the emotional connection and your life together?   

   In the last couple years I too began working on myself felt confidence and got in better shape, I became  more critical about his lack of effort in being in shape etc. If I found someone who likes to chat about current events etc I can become more critical that spouse is not much of a conversationalist.   comparison is often very flawed.... 

If someone you do find attractive pays attention to you and gives you confidence it does not mean it will replace your marriage... what happens then you will be alone. Can you support yourself and rebuild a life if you decide to leave ..... many many things to go through to end a marriage 

@passionateEast518

I struggle with lack of attraction being a reason for divorce.  You seem to feel there are other reasons - gaps this new person seems to fill that are not filled by your husband, but is there a history of attempts to have those gaps addressed with no progress?  

As for God bringing this person into your life for a reason, it's not likely to be for a divorce.  As a former minister, I can tell you that the Bible is clear that God hates divorce and only allows it in the case of infidelity or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse.  

@passionateEast518 everybody has gray areas is what I'm gonna say. The person who has all the qualities that you ever wanted in your future partner also has his own gray areas which might annoy you or paint him as the villain. If the problem is as simple as you losing feelings for him or getting bored of his physical attributes I would suggest taking a solo trip or take time off but not a divorce (considering those are the only issues). As we know the grass is always greener on the other side, I hope you take your decisions carefully.