I’m lost in the relationship
I’m new here don’t have insurance to talk to someone. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful ausome man for a little over a year all he says he knows how to do is work. He doesn’t know how to treat a woman, everything is my fault, I feel like a maid, he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration, he doesn’t listen, he won’t finish arguments, and he doesn’t know how to be emotional to me like hug me or kiss me randomly. What do I do? I have no where to go no job I stay at home he works and that’s the way that he wants it.
@shadowstorm27
I am sorry to hear you are going through this.... it is common for a person like this to want you to stay home and be dependent on them no money / no place to go / cuts off contact with friends or family that may help you escape .... .... this is by design so you cannot leave.
if you are not happy now at one year how do you see 3,5 or more .... it is not going to snap out of it ....
when a person says they do not know how to be a good partner or doing anything but work or something they want to do .... Think about it most all situations a person if committed or interested can LEARN these items.... the idea of the are programmed that way and cannot change to me says YOU are not that important to them for them to put in effort and learn so instead tehy find ways to keep you hostage until you just accept their way.
I reread your post and it makes sense but I don’t know that I feel trapped but if u have time to chat and make friends cause I don’t know this app but if u have time
@toughTiger6481
Some people struggle to finish arguments because of past hurts, leading them to put up walls as a form of self-protection. My boyfriend used to do this often, having been through two failed marriages with narcissistic partners. This behavior protected him in those marriages but caused unintended pain in our relationship. I was taught by my parents the importance of a healthy marriage, where open communication and resolving conflicts are crucial. I didn't have the same baggage as him.. it took him a long time to feel safe with me and understand that finishing an argument and making everyone feel heard is healthy.
Here’s some advice for dealing with these walls:
Understand the Root Cause: Recognize that the reluctance to finish arguments often stems from past traumas and fears of being hurt again. This awareness can foster empathy and patience.
Create a Safe Space: Ensure that your partner feels safe and understood. Reassure them that your intention is to resolve conflicts constructively, not to hurt them.
Encourage Open Communication: Gently encourage your partner to express their feelings and thoughts. Let them know that their perspective is valuable and that you want to understand their side.
Be Patient and Consistent: Healing and building trust take time. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to communicate and resolve conflicts.
@BlossomGirvan
all nice text book approaches .... not always workable .... finding root cause can be tricky as many of this type change it to what ever they get a pass with....
safe space ... if you do not feel you can be yourself and open then marriage/ commitment was not a good move
encourage open communication is letting them know they can talk yet still having to coax it out of them ....
Be patient .... what time is sufficient? ..... 1 year 10/ 20 /40 years with same he does not know how to communicate....
In this case SMART goals might work better.
Smart specific / measurable/ achievable / relevant and TIME bound.....
@shadowstorm27
Hi there,
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds like you're in a tough and emotionally challenging situation. Here are a few thoughts and suggestions that might help:
Validate Their Feelings
First and foremost, it's important to recognize that your feelings are completely valid. Feeling unappreciated, unheard, and undervalued in a relationship is incredibly hard.
Communication
Have you been able to talk to him about how you're feeling? Sometimes, our partners aren't aware of how their actions affect us. It might help to have an open and honest conversation. You could say something like, "I feel hurt and unappreciated when my feelings aren't considered. Can we talk about how we can support each other better?".. This is hard the first year and a half of my relationship felt exactly like yours.. He really didnt understand or listen.. I had no job and no where to go so I just grit my teach and casrried on.. Eventually he had realised how much I do for him and how valuable I am...
Boundaries
Setting boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Let him know what you need in order to feel respected and valued. For example, if you feel like a maid, it might be worth discussing how household responsibilities can be shared more equally.
Personal Development
Think about developing skills or finding activities that can help you gain independence and boost your self-esteem. This could be through learning something new online, looking for remote work opportunities, or engaging in hobbies that make you feel good about yourself... I studied cheap or free courses to up my skills. It gave me hope and some way out in the long run...
Long-Term Reflection
Consider the long-term viability of the relationship. Reflect on whether this relationship is healthy and sustainable for you.
I gave it a certain time limit for things to go better. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and loved.
Remember, you are not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to seek help if you need it.
Blossom is their any way we can talk ?
Hi, Im really sorry for you, I know emotions you are going through now is beyond words. It sounds like you are facing a challenging situation. Being in a relationship where you feel unappreciated and unheard can be very difficult, especially when you don't have the means to leave or seek support easily.
Feeling like a maid or not having your emotions considered is not a healthy dynamic.
Tryy to find small ways to regain some independence and self-worth. This might involve looking for job opportunities or engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
Don't feel that you are alone...
Hi, Im really sorry for you, I know emotions you are going through now is beyond words. It sounds like you are facing a challenging situation. Being in a relationship where you feel unappreciated and unheard can be very difficult, especially when you don't have the means to leave or seek support easily.
Feeling like a maid or not having your emotions considered is not a healthy dynamic.
Tryy to find small ways to regain some independence and self-worth. This might involve looking for job opportunities or engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
Don't feel that you are alone...
@shadowstor
Some people struggle to finish arguments because of past hurts, leading them to put up walls as a form of self-protection. My boyfriend used to do this often, having been through two failed marriages with narcissistic partners. This behavior protected him in those marriages but caused unintended pain in our relationship. I was taught by my parents the importance of a healthy marriage, where open communication and resolving conflicts are crucial. I didn't have the same baggage. it took him a long time to feel safe with me and understand that finishing an argument and making everyone feel heard is healthy. He said it he doesnt know how to do anything else but work... My BF said the same to me. he used work to escape his previous partners and his own emotions..
He might be more comfortable and confident in his work environment than in dealing with the complexities of a relationship. Work provides structure, goals, and clear outcomes, while relationships require emotional intelligence and adaptability. This is my BF. we joke and call him a Robot as he doesnt like emotions..
Focusing on work can be a way to avoid dealing with deeper emotional issues or vulnerabilities. Admitting a lack of skills in relationships might make him feel exposed or inadequate.This is what my BF felt. he feels he will always fail..He might genuinely lack experience or skills in managing relationships, especially if he has spent most of his time and energy on his career.
He might have been raised with traditional views on gender roles, where providing and working are seen as the primary responsibilities of a man. This can lead to difficulties in understanding or valuing the emotional and nurturing aspects of a relationship...
Here’s some advice for dealing with these walls:
Understand the Root Cause: Recognize that the reluctance to finish arguments often stems from past traumas and fears of being hurt again. This awareness can foster empathy and patience.
Create a Safe Space: Ensure that your partner feels safe and understood. Reassure them that your intention is to resolve conflicts constructively, not to hurt them.
Encourage Open Communication: Gently encourage your partner to express their feelings and thoughts. Let them know that their perspective is valuable and that you want to understand their side.
Be Patient and Consistent: Healing and building trust take time. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to communicate and resolve conflicts.
@shadowstorm27
I didnt struggle with my Bf giving me a random kiss etc but my bf isnt romantic and doesnt understand why I like candle lit things, one on one dates where we go out etc.. He didnt handle my hand made card well as he believed I was expecting something back because he doesnt want to write letters and do romantic gestures.. He also hates emotions. But he is feeling safer around me now and more comfortable with emotions...
Thre is a book with the concept of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It Explains that people express and receive love in different ways, which can include:
- Words of Affirmation: Verbal expressions of love, appreciation, and compliments.
- Acts of Service: Doing helpful or kind things for each other.
- Receiving Gifts: Giving and receiving thoughtful gifts.
- Quality Time: Spending meaningful time together, giving full attention.
- Physical Touch: Expressing affection through physical touch, like hugs and kisses.
Encourage open and honest conversations about each other's needs and preferences. You can say something like:
"I really appreciate how you show your love for me in your own way. I’d love to share with you some of the things that make me feel loved and cherished, more hugs. Can we talk about how we can incorporate both of our preferences into our relationship?"
Suggest finding activities or gestures that both partners can enjoy. For instance:
- If the partner isn't into writing letters, maybe they can send a sweet text message or voice note instead.
start with small steps and compromises.
"I understand that random hugs and kisses gestures might not be your thing, and that's okay. Maybe we can start with something small, like a hug or holding hands more often when walking in the mall. I also want to find ways to show love in ways that feel natural to you."
have appreciation for the different ways love is shown. Youcan express gratitude for the partner's unique ways of showing love:
"I see and appreciate the things you do for me, like fixing things around the house or making sure I'm comfortable. Those actions mean a lot to me, and I want to make sure I show my appreciation too."
@BlossomGirvan
Emotions can be challenging for some people to handle for a variety of reasons. Understanding these reasons can help in navigating relationships and fostering better communication. Here are some key points to consider: Something I had to consider with my "Robot boyfriend" who is a
INTJ Personality (Architect)
1. Cultural and Societal Influences:
- Cultural Norms: Some cultures and societies place a high value on stoicism and emotional restraint, particularly for men. This can lead to discomfort or aversion to expressing emotions.
- Gender Roles: Traditional gender roles often discourage men from showing vulnerability, equating emotional expression with weakness.
2. Personal Background and Upbringing:
- Family Dynamics: People who grow up in families where emotions were not openly discussed or were discouraged may struggle to express their feelings. They may have learned to suppress emotions as a coping mechanism.
- Trauma: Past experiences of trauma or emotional pain can lead to avoidance of emotions to protect oneself from further hurt.
3. Personality Traits:
- Introversion: Introverted individuals may find it more difficult to express emotions openly. They might prefer to process feelings internally.
- Analytical Thinking: People who are highly analytical or logical may find it challenging to navigate the less predictable nature of emotions. just like my BF is
4. Fear and Vulnerability:
- Fear of Rejection: Expressing emotions can make people feel vulnerable and exposed. Fear of rejection or negative judgment can lead to emotional avoidance.
- Loss of Control: Some individuals fear that expressing emotions might lead to a loss of control, either over themselves or over a situation.
5. Emotional Awareness and Regulation:
- Lack of Emotional Awareness: Some people struggle to identify and understand their own emotions, making it difficult to express them to others.
- Difficulty Regulating Emotions: People who find it hard to manage their emotions might avoid them altogether to prevent feeling overwhelmed.
6. Psychological Factors:
- Mental Health Conditions: Conditions such as depression, anxiety, or alexithymia (difficulty in identifying and expressing emotions) can significantly affect a person’s ability to engage with their emotions.
- Avoidant Personality: Those with avoidant personality traits may steer clear of emotional intimacy to avoid discomfort or conflict.
I found it helpful learning different attachment syles, personality traits etc.. to try understand my boyfriend and the way I can communicate in his "language", in a way he will undersand and be comfortable with.. And it gave me peace, that it isn't always done to hurt me...
