I’m having complicated feelings

A bit back my boyfriend broke up with me because my mental state starting draining him. So, I didn’t try to talk him out of it just apologized for not noticing and making him feel that way and hung up the call, but right after I called my best friend and just cried on call with him (this friend is a mutual friend that isn’t attracted to women, so there’s nothing there). And after a while of that I thought I was feeling better but realized it was a false comfort, though I still sort of went through a destructive stage I would say, blocking him, trying to find another guy already, and falling into bad habits I got over. However, after I got my stuff together, I kinda realize I don’t want some other guy I want my ex. So, I started to rant to our other friend and was like “what if I worked on my mental state and got better, could we get back together?” (I’m not always delusional people cope in different ways), but to my surprise she agreed and asked said ex if that was a possibility, he agreed too. With this I become optimistic and thought “The worst that could come out of this is us not getting back together, and the best is me becoming a better version of myself”, and started to put in an effort which brought me here since I can’t afford professional therapy at the moment. However, my conflicted feelings come from how I understand he needed out of the relationship too but I just wish this was avoided (which is my fault for not getting this under control sooner but I’m not 16 yet and would need adult consent either way), or that this was an outcome that could have happened some time that wasn’t so close to my birthday. Overall, I’m just kind of hurt that I can’t be with my boyfriend on my birthday, I feel that I was left alone at such a low point, but I also understand he has feelings too and I was draining him, he had to do what was best for him. In conclusion, I just feel conflicted with these emotions pushing me, I don’t want to be selfish and I don’t like being selfish, not saying I’m perfect and selfless as this is proof I am not, but still. Anyway, if you read this far thank you for staying, I just needed to type all of my emotions out in a calm manner and not out of sadness or anger, thank you.