I have to find a way to want to be alone
So tired of looking for this fantasy that I've believed in my whole life I have no idea from capable of changing myself enough to actually want to be alone the desire to find that special someone is just caused me nothing but heartache turmoil stress etc have no idea how to get that deep and change those things into myself but I have to. and please please don't anyone try to reply with this love and belief and faith and what's meant to be crap I might actually believe it again.
upon more reflection I'm really pretty sure that I'm addicted to love actually it's been aware of that for a while to some extent I am an addict. when I'm with my girlfriend everything is great I'm energized I'm happy I'm the peace. when I'm not with her I really kind of can't stand her to be honest. without getting all into it she is very affectionate and giving and gives me her full attention and all that when we're together but when we're not it is 100% the opposite. So I'm sure some of that is due to her personality and character traits. nonetheless it's clear to me that it's not true love yet I can't let go I can't break up I can't let her break up lol it's really an addiction. I know it will be sad I need to learn to be happy by myself and love myself which I do love myself and I can be happy by myself I do feel in my life's been complete without a relationship at the same time feel like I'm probably incapable of having a healthy one. I'm 53 years old over the road truck driver which alone greatly limits my opportunities to meet new people especially women that could potentially evolve into a romantic relationship. I've tried numerous dating apps and sites. truly not just being negative I have incredibly low responses and I don't believe that any of the shows in my introduction lol I really don't I don't know what that's all about but I just feel like the only answer is to be measurable and alone but can't be right either. not looking for pitty at all nor am I looking for someone to tell me you need to be okay alone real simple to say completely different in practice especially for me cuz I am perfectly fine alone in the day at many times during the day but not so much okay with having no one to call no one to just talk with no one to just spend time with no companionship almost whatsoever. I have one or maybe two friends online. No one to spend time with face to face on my weekend which is busy because I am not home except 2 days at most a week other than my girlfriend and she generally only comes out maybe 12 18 hours of that weekend then she don't feel good or whatever has stuff to do. Don't know why I'm even posting this I guess for the feeling of at least I told someone
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 hey I went through two horrible marriages now on my third, happy, please do not check out cause I want to talk about what this taught me.
In between each marriage was about two years each, and both times I was not looking for love. I had offers and I turned them down.
I used this time every time to work on the things that got me into these bad marriages.
My third husband found me; he was looking for me and he had to solve many problems to stay, all of which he did.
To me, it sounds like you need and want human contact period. I know that if I do not get out somewhere see people F2F I get lonely no matter how great online is.
We need people; we all need community. It is natural and normal to want to have close connections with others.
I hope this helped.
It did help of course it validated a lot of my feelings but I just I met a place I lived the life of a drug addict until I was 49 4 years ago almost to the month that a lot of bad experiences with people in the life I lived everyone stabbed everyone in the back they all lied they all cheated they all stole from each other I'm not one of them I had to run that crowd to get the drugs that I was addicted to that being said I'm learning that so many people out there dishonest to put the time and energy that it would require considering the fact that I have so very little time cuz I'm over the road truck driver I don't see the payout I see nothing but more cost of which I have no ability to pay I'm at the end I have nothing left to lose in that I have only what I need to actually live and breathe and survive if I lose too much more on the I don't know what happened and it's not a risk I'm willing to take kind of catch 22 of them I think not real sure how to proceed but thank you so much for sharing and of course it did help cuz it validated my feelings that means a lot to me. thank you glad you found happiness
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 of course it is my pleasure!
Others have felt like you; you aren't alone!!
thank you for letting me know that that is appreciate it at being said I'm very interested to know did they make it through it? and how if they did
I should elaborate considering my available time to have face to face interaction I don't know but you're 100% right that's what I'm craving and I do feel completely alone even though I am developing some good online relationships I believe it's not the same really
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 talking in general there are some good folks here like that.
We all make it through everything unless we die. Dying inside is far worse than physical death.
Keep talking; glad you are here!
Yes and that is what finally led me to find this site and gives me the courage to make the post that I do is a good site I'm finding there are good people here and I do feel like I'm just almost dead inside but not white it scares me I don't know what happens when a person dies inside really really close so I know that so thank you all
here I am again another night in the terrible wanting to talk with her for her to answer some questions I need answered by ask those she'll Sam and Baden her space or her privacy maybe I am and don't have the strength to break up but I know not going to work I just can't accept it left the message text message it'll get angered response in the morning honestly hoping she breaks up because I can't
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 hey I think finding a Listener would be good or drop by a chatroom!
https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
Cause I am running out of spaces to reply lol