I Don’t Know Anymore

I haven’t been on here in a while, I haven’t needed it. I’ve kinda visited a couple times, but never spent more than a couple seconds just checking everything out. I’ll start at the beginning, a very good place to start. In February my longtime girlfriend broke up with me. It should’ve bothered me more but it doesn’t, I guess our relationship was so toxic I let go a long time ago. We always had issues, she would push me away & I’d try to fix things but it just never really helped any of the situations we were in. We would break up and get back together, because I’d be sick of dealing with her but feeling like she was the best I was going to get. I know now that’s not true. I had a little trouble and it does make me sad I guess but this isn’t why I’m back here and struggling. Fast forward a couple weeks. I went on this app for talking about your mental health with others like you hoping to really get some of what happened off my chest. That’s when I started talking to this girl. I thought she was so great, so cute and sweet. Maybe she was and it was all a misunderstanding. Anyway I talked with her for about a month and was pretty enamored with her. Thought for some reason I was in love but now I realize it was just infatuation. I’m not going to go into specifics just because I don’t want this to be too long, but that went downhill too. And when that happened I was really upset about it and that is because I really thought that girl was different and I believe she was different. But she wasn’t. I started talking to a couple people about how I felt about it, and this one girl saw one of my posts, and she actually reached out to me. She comforted me, she was there for me, understood how I felt, made me feel like I wasn’t garbage and I started to fall for her really hard and pretty fast. I am still talking to this person, and she is absolutely wonderful, I could talk about her and how great she is for ours. So we’re not officially together, but we are, if that makes sense. We agreed to be mutually exclusive, but we don’t have any titles. No boyfriend and girlfriend though we really are. We honestly love each other, we say it to each other. There are a couple problems, one that really bothers me and really affects her. The main issue is before we started talking. There was this guy that she was interacting with. This man is not a good person, but he is very manipulative and still is. He’s just not a good person and he hurt her a lot. He basically played games with her heart… said some things to her that I’m not going to repeat but just used her for his own enjoyment if you get what I’m saying. She never met this man, they were long-distance, and not really in a relationship with one another. That’s probably a little bit of why we aren’t in a relationship with each other. She is scared of him and terrified of being hurt again. I guess in reality I’m scared of him too, just not in the same way that she’s scared of him. She scared of him manipulating her and physically harming her. I’m scared of him because I’m afraid that because he knew her so well and because they got so close, and because his is so manipulative, really frankly evil he will be able to talk her away from me. There are a little signs that could happen. Some of the things that she says about him, like the other day, she was writing a poem about him, and it got kind of lusty. And she thinks about him a lot. He’s kind of stalker-ish. Like he interacts with her in different forms, but doesn’t say who he is. It’s kind of obvious sometimes and even though that I never talked to the guy when someone popped up, I could tell it was him. I get this gut feelings, and apparently I was right. She wrote a poem about him, saying that she knew that the person who had been interacting with her stuff was him, but not really out right and that person deleted his account. That’s pretty telling. It really bothers me and it really scares me that he could just say all the right things, maybe paint me in a bad light, I don’t know. But I honestly really care for her and I’m honestly really scared of losing her to him. I’d say he’s garbage, but he’s below that, she thinks that he’s done this to other women and I agree. It’s hard on whatever relationship that we have and it causes problems especially when her whole attitude can change on a dime when she thinks about him or interacts with him and realizes that it is him. What can I do? She says that she loves me and wants to be with me, I even think she’s really close to actually wanting to label whatever this relationship we have together is. It’s also that I hate to see her hurt. It’s angry, it’s upsetting, it makes me just want to be there for her and take care of her. But like him, we are long distance as well so I can’t do that. We talk a lot and I know that I bring her a lot of comfort. She’s experienced a lot of firsts with me. Like the first guy not to beg her for pictures of that way, the first guy to really try and not stop trying. The first guy to make her feel like she has worth. She trusts me. I trust her. I don’t know what to do.