How severe is this situation in your opinion?
Yesterday my girlfriend made a comment about how one of her male friends is more invested than me in my biggest interest and this guy I had already been jealous of previously, she knows this. I told her that I didn't like that she said that, she defended herself saying that I shouldn't be jealous. She has a history of disregarding my feelings so I gave up and stopped talking to her and just lied in my bed not doing anything, then she called me out for sulking saying "why are you targeting me" as if me being upset is an attack on her and I was a bit fed up but I still tried to communicate how I felt and she still defended herself, she was irritated with an angry face and she basically said that how I felt was invalid, "not to be rude but it isn't About you". She also believes that she didn't do anything wrong and I cannot say enough that I was really trying to de escalate yet still she was *** at me for expressing my feelings. I apparently don't express how I feel enough and she wonders why
@ashen64
You are both talking but not communicating.
Her saying things like "someone else is more invested in her interests"/ playing the jealousy thing and the "not about you" comment ...... to me says she wants your attention..... she wants you to express interest but the silly thing is she is not telling you want she wants specifically... she is assuming IF you care for her you will know ...then gets angry if you guess wrong......This is a big mistake that happens a lot to couples.
Your getting mad/ frustrated is not an attack on her... and you are correct that this happening each time you really tell her your feelings it goes badly, you no longer want to share if you are not listened to.
Want a change .... communicate.
It is obvious that she wants your attention. Find things you can share together ask her straight out what does she want from you. ... talk in proactive ways instead of defensive ... i get how hard that can be.
@ashen64
I am not sure how to understand "one of her male friends is more invested than me in my biggest interest". What you mean by investing? Buying a bigger car, more expensive camera, or more equipment for scuba diving? Or was it about him "investing" in her?
Anyhow, in my opinion comparing a partner to someone else never sounds good or friendly...
Don't take me wrong, I believe having a good opinion of someone of the opposite sex while being in a relationship needn't be forbidden. But I think it is kind and reasonable to be cautious and moderate with that, making it an impression, not a competition.
What I mean is that I like a certain thing maybe a book or a topic it doesn't matter and she always says how someone else cares more than I do which invalidates my feelings. It sounds dumb but to both of us expressing our personal interests is really precious but she also talks about her conversations with him where they talk and giggle and how my feelings aren't special
@ashen64
Hey. Please, do NOT delete the @username at the top of your response if you want someone to be notified about it 😊
I have just seen your answer in another thread from a few days ago. I think being a better person every day is what we are all about. But becoming a better person for her, when she doesn't care, and she thinks someone is more attractive, no matter what you do? Maybe it is better to grow just for yourself?
I understand what you mean, I shouldn't grow for her if she won't grow for me, if she doesn't love me but I think she does love me she can have a bad attitude to everything sometimes, she becomes cynical and it's hard to put up with. It's so hard because I love and she loves me but her home life is so so so hard and she'll have a hard time and that'll make it hard for me when we both have exams. It's like at what point do I prioritise my education over love
@ashen64
I agree that forgiving each other being not perfect is a good foundation for any relationship.
However, I believe there is a very thin red line between forgiveness and looking for excuses for someone's poor behaviour.
You're right I don't want to be to leanient and accept her irreparable flaws as a part of her rather than something I can change.
Anorher question, she has a god awful home life and a history of mental health issues. I am one of the only good things in her life so if I decided to break up because of how I feel how can I ever ever live with that if that in turn causes her to really mentally deteriorate and even attempt suicide
@ashen64 😢 Not feeling seen and the other even having a bad reaction... its so hurtful.
She doesn't see or validates your feelings, is this present always?
Can I ask you this? Do you feel this relationship nourishes you? Or, does it weight down and drain you?
It's hard to say sometimes it's the only thing that gives me happiness and sometimes it is dreadful so it's really difficult for me to break off because I don't resent her I enjoy time with her
@ashen64
It might seem like a small situation, but it's genuinely much bigger than this. Some situations might look small and seem trivial, but they usually open the door for much larger problems. Just to let you know, you aren't at fault in any way, shape, or form, you're a human with emotions, so it's obvious you'd want to communicate those feelings. Sometimes, when you love someone so much, you tend to discard the red flags because of how much you care about them and because you're confused. We tend to accept the love we think we deserve, and as humans, we believe we deserve less love. Maybe it's time to move on. I'm not sure how you're feeling about the situation though. I understand the feeling and the confusion, I understand it all don't worry, I went through a similar situation. It's hard to turn the next page because you know that they won't be there, but you still need to flip the page to finish the book.
Thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I will give time to grow before anything drastic
