How can I break this harmful pattern?
I have a problem in my relationship where my partner brings an issue to me and I tend to focus on deflection or justifications rather than owning the issue
The problem for me I think is that the context makes my actions make sense to me, and so I defend myself based on that, but only after do I see that this is only partially true at best
I think some of the issue is that it feels like I'm being attacked and so I get defensive, but in the end it isn't how I want to handle the situation
Does anyone have any advice?
Sometimes I find myself becoming defensive based on how problems are brought to me. I have to intentionally focus on the other person's need or want instead of the problem. When I do that, I'm less likely to get defensive.
That's good advice
Any tips for staying grounded and focused on that when frustrated? I think especially I tend to be exhausted most of the time and push myself a lot, so I run out of emotional energy, but so much of what we conflict over tends to be time sensitive and not very easy to say "let's deal with this tomorrow when we're fresh
Both of us have insomnia so it can really cause trouble because we fight and that drives the insomnia but the insomnia makes us less able to avoid fighting
@Tsureal You may find that if you cop to the truth of what your partner is saying (not all of what they say is true, but there is truth to be found in what they say) they will actually “stand down” and not be so prosecutorial. It’s a bit of a paradox.
Yeah I think that I get caught up in the parts of the criticisms that I find fault with
It doesn't help that we spend almost all our time around each other, initially because of Covid isolation (~3 years) and then because of various social reasons (other friendships not being supportive etc)
Any advice on that? It's hard to meet my own needs without starting arguments over keeping the house clean etc. because my partner is chronically ill and disabled so most of that work falls to me
@Tsureal Yeah the world has made things tough lately and it’s hard when the old supports are gone. It is probably a bit like cabin fever eh? I wish I had advice for these things.
Definitely like cabin fever. Sometimes I feel some resentment for how the situation affects me because I know that I could find easier happiness on my own, but I also know that I really value this relationship and what we bring to each other's lives
I know that I would not be the person I am today without them, or at the least that I wouldn't be at the same place even if I were walking the same path
