Feeling Unloved and Isolated.

Growing up, I was never loved for the real me. I was left alone without anyone to comfort me when I needed it as a child. My only forms of comfort, or love, consisted of my journal, my imagination, or objects I befriended. I was so starved of love that it became the one thing I was the most possessive over, and wanted solely for myself–Unconditionally. At all times.

I've come to learn that I can never have it in the way I desperately need it without witnessing societies perception of me as the monstrous, controlling, selfish boyfriend everyone should run from.

I want to be loved, and loved, and loved so solely, to make up for all those years I was starving for it. There's a gaping hole inside my heart, and nothing seems like it can ever be enough to heal the damage it's sustained. No fraction of love I felt now could ever repair years worth of emptiness. I've become extremely jealous and possessive, unable to cope with the concept of letting someone I'm interested in have a life outside of me. 

How can I ever live with that?

If no one can love me so completely and exclusively, then maybe I'm better off on my own, without a single connection of any kind. I've been isolating for over 2 years. But that's it's own kind of misery. Isolation isn't sustainable.

Of all the angles of myself that I can face and heal for the better, the pain of being half loved is one of the most agonizing emotions that I can't come to terms with. It's the one pain too deep, too tender, and too sore for me to change any other way. To let a partner have a life beyond me is to ask me to accept a barely full cup of love–and to me, with my love wounds, that's worse than none at all. It's a pain I can't withstand. 

With a lifetime spent in isolation, all my heart wants is to leech, cling, and never let go of a lover for one single fraction of a second. Don't ever look away from me. Don't hear any voice except mine. Don't seek an outside world without my voice, my eyes, my touch, or me as a whole. I've never been one to beg, I'd rather detach, but deep down, I'm begging my absolute *** guts out for it. 

I am a wreck. I'm beyond desperate for every drop of someone's love to be the one thing I can completely call mine, mine to the most minute, base level, and to fully own in life. Don't turn me away, don't tell me you need to have anyone else. 'Other friends.'

I want someone to let me occupy every space of them. I want to let them occupy every corner of me, just as badly. All I want is to be close, in the most intimate way possible. I don't want to be seen as a monster. I want us to be a cocoon that nothing else can ever touch. I want to be closer to them than two twins safe in their mother's womb. My subconscious is pleading for someone to be the one place in life that I can feel completely safe and loved. 

But, I've learned my needs are impossible. Unsustainable. Unhealthy. Wrong. No one can give me 100% of their time at all times, and make only me the center of their world, even if I can offer it. How is anyone possibly meant to heal a love wound this gaping?